Responding to big stressors

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dlane2530

Well known member
Well, yesterday we heard from the mechanic: our family car is done. The engine is dead. The car needs to be replaced.

We have another, smaller car, which does not fit the whole family. We'll be making do with this one car for a few months while we save for a new one.

Boy, am I noticing the stress response. It's really going to be fine to make do for a while but there will be challenges, and the main one will be that I will have to drive my husband to and from work each day because I will need to have the car midday to do school pickup for our eldest. This sounds to me like a lot of extra stress. It will also realy change how I plan my day: homeschooling, work, outings, even cooking dinner (because what was dinner-prep-time will now be husband-pickup-time).

So: symptoms galore! Oh my! I will not name them here.

I am saying to myself that this extra driving (driving this smaller car was also one of my big triggers a few months back) does not have to add stress. I can reduce other things to keep the stress down. And I can also look for silver linings and creative solutions for getting rides. Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.

But.

Symptoms.

These are the ups and downs. Can't keep the symptoms from coming. Can keep them from scaring us, though.

Observe, don't react.

A great opportunity to meet a challenge. Wish me luck.
 
You can do this! Whenever I flare up, that exactly what I say----->
dlane2530 said:
These are the ups and downs. Can't keep the symptoms from coming. Can keep them from scaring us, though.
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Eventually, we will even out our nervous system and the symptoms flare ups will slow down. Take this time to take care of yourself too!
 
dlane2530 said:
this extra driving (...) does not have to add stress.
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I would look at it somewhat differently and let the stress come. It's too much pressure dealing with all that and still have to keep it cool. Maybe it doesn't get too stressful at all, who knows.

Maybe you can add something to make it more fun, like a quick stop for a healthy juice or something.

And oh yeah, good luck! :D
 
I can tell that you're in the US because if you were where I live (here in the UK) your husband would almost certainly have the option of taking public transport to get work and back, unless you were living really way out in the sticks. (It costs, of course, but then so does petrol/gas.)

I think you're right to "reduce other things", and to be innovative... like cooking quicker and simpler meals (which doesn't have to mean eating less healthy food) and/or get your husband to be 'prep chef' and your children could muck in to help too if they are old enough (and perhaps the home schooling could even include cookery lessons?!) The drive time, particularly when you're in the car alone could be your 'me time'... relaxing music to enjoy or upbeat music to sing along to, an audio TMS book or a novel to listen to, or just have it quiet... some peace for driving with mindfulness and/or to do some slow breathing, increasing the length of your out breaths.

In my experience, when a change is forced upon you it can bring something different but good into your life. My husband was poorly a few months ago so everything fell to me to do. Thankfully, he's better now, but a number of the quicker and simpler dinners I dreamed up are now firm favourites on our menu.

Good luck! :)
 
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Dixie,

Hugs to you! When I read this, my first reaction was that you should get all your anger out about this. You have stress, yes. But I’m sure also anger. Maybe journal or even just thinking about the inner child’s rage of having to add more work to your obviously fully loaded life. Don’t let your symptoms scare you. They are just screaming for you. This is the you that doesn’t want to maturely and happily deal with it—maybe you don’t, deep down inside. Also see if there are some tricky hidden reasons your inner child might be mad. Did you never want the smaller car in the first place? Do you wish you lived somewhere less rural, with public transit? Do you resent that the load of this is all falling to you? It sounds like nobody else in the family will really be affected much. I’d rage all that out.

I will point out that it’s exemplary that you and your husband are saving money upfront to get a new car. Most Americans would just be at the dealership right now come hell or high water. This is a single mother story: when my piece of crap car died, I needed a new one. I didn’t have a penny to my name in savings, and the car was literally trash; could not even be used as a down payment. I had a very small salary and bad credit. I went to a dealership and begged my way into a loan. Got myself a better used car than I had before. I was just determined. The only reason I tell that story is it might be possible that you could get another car now. Just planting that seed! :rolleyes:

I’m so sorry you’re feeling more stressed and symptoms! It really is hard when symptoms flare to keep your head straight. But, no matter what, this will pass— and you’ll get back to where you were before, and you’ll get better and better as time goes on. ❤️
 
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I think you all are right. I need to allow the rage and stress.

I'm feeling a lot of fear because I don't want to go back into the abyss and stress threatens to send me right back there. And I can't avoid this stress.
 
Diana-M said:
You’re stronger now. You won’t go back the same way. It’ll be short-lived.
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Thank you. Will play this on my head on repeat.

Just took the good step of telling my eldest that she could not have the more expensive birthday party that she had hoped for, but rather a simple party that won't cost much. She understood. I need to allow the rest of my family to live in the reality (as appropriate for the kids, of course, not burdening them with adult worries, etc.) rather than trying to take all the restriction upon myself. An simpler party will be just as fun for her.

Re: your car story, you are awesome for doing what you needed to get that car! Our hope is that we can trade in our small car for a van in a few months, and then get a second car a few months later.
 
I want to say to everyone on this thread, Thank you! I think I was in some ways falling into a repression habit without realizing it. I needed to allow the actual feelings as well as the physical symptoms. And I also needed to act against my habit of taking all the stress upon myself.

You helped me click into this sooner than I would have had I not read your words.
 
dlane2530 said:
Well, yesterday we heard from the mechanic: our family car is done. The engine is dead. The car needs to be replaced.

We have another, smaller car, which does not fit the whole family. We'll be making do with this one car for a few months while we save for a new one.

Boy, am I noticing the stress response. It's really going to be fine to make do for a while but there will be challenges, and the main one will be that I will have to drive my husband to and from work each day because I will need to have the car midday to do school pickup for our eldest. This sounds to me like a lot of extra stress. It will also realy change how I plan my day: homeschooling, work, outings, even cooking dinner (because what was dinner-prep-time will now be husband-pickup-time).

So: symptoms galore! Oh my! I will not name them here.

I am saying to myself that this extra driving (driving this smaller car was also one of my big triggers a few months back) does not have to add stress. I can reduce other things to keep the stress down. And I can also look for silver linings and creative solutions for getting rides. Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.

But.

Symptoms.

These are the ups and downs. Can't keep the symptoms from coming. Can keep them from scaring us, though.

Observe, don't react.

A great opportunity to meet a challenge. Wish me luck.
Click to expand...
Just had this one myself, with No backup.... Had to borrow my sons' truck, and My other son replaced the motor. I was really lucky, but while it went on, I paid REALLY close attention to my anger and depression as it rose and fell... awareness that it's down there is part of our strategy. In fact Sarno said, "todays work stops tomorrow's TMS
Losing a car sucks....just don't pretend it doesn't to yourself....Even though our Adult self might say "I am glad we have at least a back up plan" "It'll all workout" the 5 year old who never goes away? That kid (id) is screaming "I want my F-ing car back!"
 
Baseball65 said:
Just had this one myself, with No backup.... Had to borrow my sons' truck, and My other son replaced the motor. I was really lucky, but while it went on, I paid REALLY close attention to my anger and depression as it rose and fell... awareness that it's down there is part of our strategy. In fact Sarno said, "todays work stops tomorrow's TMS
Losing a car sucks....just don't pretend it doesn't to yourself....Even though our Adult self might say "I am glad we have at least a back up plan" "It'll all workout" the 5 year old who never goes away? That kid (id) is screaming "I want my F-ing car back!"
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Yes! I saw your other post about how the book or the podcast won't cure you...do whatever you're afraid of, hard! And it made me think, "F--- you, symptoms, I can live without an effing car."
It's always a bit of a difficlty for me to figure out when I need to "go loose" and when I need to access anger. And then, what is the anger? Is it "I want my car back" (which it partly is) or is it "I'm pissed that I'm falling apart because I don't have a car," and a lot of it is the latter. F--- you, symptoms, and F--- you, car.
To put it forcefully.
Yesterday I also ran into An Ego in my job. And that person made me feel really small. Which makes me actually angry at myself. Which is twisted. So I'm still inside that particular knot. Is it, be angry at the person? Or work on accepting that I have done nothing wrong and being pissed at whatever in my past makes me hate myself when someone is a jerk to me? Both?
Playing around with it today.
 
dlane2530 said:
Both?
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Both... Usually just a surface awareness is good. My own son said some crap to me that I took to be a complaint about my work habits...
I went on an unhinged tirade against him OUT LOUD, by Myself in my Truck on the way to do the dumb job he sent me to.

LATER...when I was writing about it, I was also angry at myself for becoming reliant on him to keep me busy. I only started working for him last year, but in the interim, have dropped a lot of my old contacts. So, I need to be aware that he can be a dick and that I need to hustle up my own gigs again...

PS...mostly important is that I did NOT get TMS, nor try to think my way through it...I felt my way through it like 5 year old.
 
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