Relationships and negative emotions

K

kimdb

Newcomer
Hi, this is my first post here. Great website, especially all the educational material and success stories. I have just started journelling to express negative emotions tied up with my past, present and personality. I read Dr Scott Brady's book "Pain free for life" and have just started using the program he uses in his book. It is very similar to the program on this website and also to the "Unlearn your pain" program by Dr Howard Schubiner.

I have suffered with chronic pelvic pain and irritable bladder for the past 12 years. Major impact on my life. About 4 years ago I did Dr Schubiner's program which involved a lot of journelling and affirmations. Soon after my pain went away for nine months. I was so happy. But then I developed major insomnia and became very stressed. Soon after the pain came back and stayed. The insomnia was due to me becoming hyperthyroid but my thyroid is now okay after taking medication for a while.

Anyway I have a question concerning negative emotions that come up in close relationships. In my case with my husband. Is it better to express them to the person when the emotions come up or journal about them? I have started journalling already my frustration which is coming up almost on a daily basis, moreso since I have been writing about it. Trouble is that my husband wants to avoid any conflict at any cost and will just leave the room, rather than risk anything he percieves as challenging, leaving me with nowhere to go with my feelings. So a lot of them have been pushed down. We really would benefit from some couple counselling to improve our communication but he won't agree to do it, too threatening. This is really disappointing as my health and well-being would benefit if our communication improved, and so would our relationship.

Anyway, do I risk speaking up more or just write lots in my journal?
 
Well I can really relate to your dilemma because I have a similar problem with my husband who refuses any counseling and he is an angry rageoholic! So I go by myself to a counselor who is helping me to relate better with him and with my tms pains.
 
Another soul in the same position. Would love to hear from the TMS pros on what to do with these emotions. Clearly making our relationships worse with our significant other if we keep expressing those emotions to them when they don't want to hear them or be involved in our unhappiness.
 
Hi kimdb and mncj123

Overcomer said:
So I go by myself to a counselor who is helping me to relate better with him and with my tms pains.
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This is a common experience. Most folks in this kind of relationship benefit from working alone with a counselor/coach to understand, express, feel more. From here you will probably find the right guidance --I mean inner guidance-- about how much to confront the spouse. I think that both private expression through journaling, or inquiring with a helper, and outward expression such as confrontation and asking for what you want have a role in aleviating TMS. Maintaining boundaries, being ourselves regardless of the other, feeling our aliveness rather than suppressing it, etc, all help alleviate symptoms, in my experience.

Alternatively, so does simply connecting your inner conflicts, frustrations, fears about confrontation, Inner Critic experience and the experiences of your Inner Child to the TMS symptoms. It does not always require outward expression. But expressing, even to yourself helps bring clarity and understanding, and education about why you have symptoms. This education undoes the need for symptoms, according to Dr. Sarno.

Andy B
 
First of all I am a Female Not a male as my profile indicate. My counselor helps me strategize better ways to get a feedback from my unwilling spouse. Either he doesn't understand me or he lacks the knowledge to engage with me. For whatever reason he doesn't know how to connect with me in a deeper way I can no longer put up with him refusing to discuss certain sensitive subjects. I give him a later time to get back with me when he is in a better place to discuss. And I find that I need to continue making a time to return to this topic and not let it slide like he's hoping I'd forget about it as I have done in the past.

All these repressed frustrations, no wonder I have multitude of TMS: Lower back pain, neck and shoulder pain, IBS, excessive gas, BPPV, frequent headaches and wrist pains! With all these embarrassing symptoms I often must cancel social events. I'm also an introvert so being in a big crowd raises my anxieties which already is high. My physical therapist told me that using meclizine frequently except for first onset of dizziness prevents our brain to return to normal and causes a dependency on this meds.
 
It is so important to address the dysfunctions in our closest relationships. I had repressed emotions for so long in my relationship that I was unaware of them completely and only felt physical pain as a result. With a therapists help and working through the SEP I was able to bring up a lot of emotion and then it was clear to see that we both needed to grow. I set boundaries, which was confronting at first but much easier now. This in itself started a ripple effect of change in the relationship that I never thought possible. My pain reduced due to this.
 
What is SEP? Glad that it worked out for you, Birdsetfree! Hope mine will get better too. It is scary at first changing our response when we always accommodated the other person's comfort first before we take care of ourselves. Thank you for your input.
 
Overcomer said:
What is SEP? Glad that it worked out for you, Birdsetfree! Hope mine will get better too. It is scary at first changing our response when we always accommodated the other person's comfort first before we take care of ourselves. Thank you for your input.
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its the Structured Educational Programme, provided here on the wiki on the home page. A daily programme which helps you deal witha series of TMS related issues
 
Overcomer said:
It is scary at first changing our response when we always accommodated the other person's comfort first before we take care of ourselves.
Click to expand...

This is so true. It is scary to be ourselves when this may disrupt the status quo. We fear to be cast out of the field of love, and this goes way back to childhood experiences and real feelings of survival.

Yet, in our short lives, this is important. It is important to be more and more real with ourselves and others, in my experience. It is enlivening, exciting, and opens us to new relationships which are more satisfying. And being more ourselves aligns us with the impulse of the Universe to become more unique, more individual, our own precious expression of the whole. In a sense we are pulled to this expansion by the pain and conflicts we suffer.

Just knowing this is scary, seeing the issues and inner dialogue around "being ourselves" is a huge piece of evidence about where our symptoms are originating from.
 
Thanks everybody for your kind and helpful replies. I read somewhere else that somene recorded their own voice on a free recorder app, recording affirmations and understanding of the tms or mbs approach and that they repetively listened to this and it helped them. So that is what I have just done. I am sharing what I recorded in case it might be helpful to someone else. Also I am a Christian so there is a reference to God.

"Kim, I know my physical pain and other symptoms are coming from repressed emotional pain. The negative feelings I have are okay. I want to feel these feelings rather than have physical symptoms. My painful symptoms don't help me understand my life, but only waste my attention, time and money. I don't want or need these symptoms anymore because I am making space for my inner child so her voice can be heard. I am deeply invested in my healing and I deeply love and accept every part of me, including my hurting inner child. Also Father God and Jesus deeply love me and unconditionally accept every part of me, including my hurting inner child. They link hands with little me and big me and look at me with deep love. It s okay if the pressures, conflicts and difficult feelings in my life, especially with XXXX don't stop. As long as I keep allowing my feelings to be acknowledged and understand that the pain is trying to distract me from these deep feelings, the pain can no longer serve its purpose of distraction and will become less. Also I am going to become more aware and try to silence the voice of my inner critic that beats myself up for having this pain, tells me how my pain has wrecked my life and my marriage and that I must stoically trudge on alone as nobody really understands how hard it is for me. I am human. I had lots of hurts when I was younger and I wasn't really seen or heard. I haven't caused all this pain deliberately, I just didn't know what else to do. So I will try to respond to myself with more openness, acceptance, love and compassion".

Regarding a counsellor, I have one and am meeting with him once a month as that is all I can afford. But we do stay in email contact inbetween. I recognise that most of the work is happenng with me inbetween the sessions.

Thanks to you folks for chipping in, Kim
 
Hi Kim,

What a beautiful statement to yourself! Yes, we did not cause the TMS. And to ask, lovingly, tenderly for the support of the Universe touches me. I feel so much self-compassion in your words.

I think it is wonderful that you see the Inner Critic's work here, that it adds to the confusion and uncertainty, stress and suffering. To see that we are under attack for our experience of pain is subtle and powerful, in my opinion.

I especially liked these phrases. So much appreciation for your human condition, just as is. I am struck by the power, clarity, certainty, love.

kimdb said:
The negative feelings I have are okay.
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kimdb said:
Also Father God and Jesus deeply love me and unconditionally accept every part of me, including my hurting inner child. They link hands with little me and big me and look at me with deep love. It s okay if the pressures, conflicts and difficult feelings in my life, especially with XXXX don't stop.
Click to expand...
kimdb said:
I had lots of hurts when I was younger and I wasn't really seen or heard. I haven't caused all this pain deliberately, I just didn't know what else to do. So I will try to respond to myself with more openness, acceptance, love and compassion".
Click to expand...

Andy B
 
Andy B said:
This is so true. It is scary to be ourselves when this may disrupt the status quo. We fear to be cast out of the field of love, and this goes way back to childhood experiences and real feelings of survival.

Yet, in our short lives, this is important. It is important to be more and more real with ourselves and others, in my experience. It is enlivening, exciting, and opens us to new relationships which are more satisfying. And being more ourselves aligns us with the impulse of the Universe to become more unique, more individual, our own precious expression of the whole. In a sense we are pulled to this expansion by the pain and conflicts we suffer.

Just knowing this is scary, seeing the issues and inner dialogue around "being ourselves" is a huge piece of evidence about where our symptoms are originating from.
Click to expand...
Great post
 
Contrary to the male symbol, i'm a woman! I wonder how I can have this symbol changed? It really bothers me to be misrepresented in my gender and gets in the way of discussing TMS. Can anyone help me? I have emailed the person in charge but still the wrong symbol remains. I will be signing my real name at the end to show that I'm a woman! Better yet how can I exchange this symbol to my photo?

The MindBody Workbook by Dr David Schechter is helping me in my search for the root cause of my painful physical symptoms. Its a 30 day program of Insight and Awareness for Back Pain and Other Disorders through daily guided journaling. Also The Great Pain Deception, Faulty Medical Advice is Making Us Worse by Steven Ozanich's book is amazing!!! I highly recommend these resources along with Dr Sarno's books on Healing Back Pain and MindBody bks. I'm so excited that you can't help but share the good news! Yet it's sad that my husband is very skeptical of my findings because "I don't have a Real Dr's Diagnosis". So I was especially excited today to find someone in my church who is experiencing the same TMS symptoms! and I was surprised that her much older doctor had diagnosed her with that many years ago when I thought it was fairly new disorder.

Janet S.
 
I hope I can help. If you go to your screen name overcomes and hit the drop down, click on avatar. You can change it to whatever you want. Preferably a nice picture that makes you feel good. I change mine every week. Sometimes a pretty flower, or a snow scene whatever makes me feel good. If this does not help, contact me privately and maybe I can walk you through it. I didn't even notice you had apt he make symbol so most of probably were not aware of it. Best.
 
Ps this is your journey and not everyone will accept the way to being pain free. I stopped even mentioning to my husband anything in regard to TMS because he just didn't understand.
 
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