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Relapsed (again!)

Mermaid

Mermaid

Beloved Grand Eagle
Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted for years. When my TMS symptons began about 15 years ago, I was around a lot and the support really helped.

I've had long periods of doing really well, with a couple of relapses around my mum's illness and death. My main symptom was migraine, which I've never fully been able to eliminate, but have gone for long periods without it and when it did arise it was less intense. I've also had other random TMS symptoms, mainly fibro things and muscle spasms.

I'm also having a really tough time with menopause symptoms some of which I'm sure overlap with TMS. I'm on HRT but it isn't that helpful.

I was fine doing fine until last September when I was hospitalised with a life threatening kidney infection, which obvioulsy caused a lot of anxiety, thus exciting my nervous system. I was OK through Christmas, but in January my husband was injured at work and I took the decision to take early retirement from my job as Managing Director of a manufacturing company, I haven't yet announced this and I suspect the anticipation is causing lots of unconscious stress. I have to serve a year's notice period to get everything in place for my successor too, which is preying on my mind. Added to that I care for my 96 year old dad, with whom I have a very strained relationship due to his cold, bullying behaviour when I was growing up, setting the stage for my type "T" personality.

My husband is having surgery next month as a result of his injury, and will need my care for two months after that. Again another major stressor.

So.....my migraines are almost daily now and I've got horrible sickening nerve pain from the centre of my back down my arm and into my hand, with numbness and tingling. I can't sleep and wake several times during the night with panic attacks; I have nightmares too. I feel very depressed and hopeless. When the pain came on it was unbearable, I took strong pains meds which I'm tapering off. I went to hospital for a scan, just to be safe and was given the usual "trapped nerve" story and PT. I thought, great it's TMS I know how to get rid of it, but I simply can't ! I'm a "expert" in this stuff and have helped so many other people recover, so why can't I get it to clam down this time?

I have a huge library of TMS books, listen to audio books, journal daily, excercise as much as I can manage, socialise, get outdoors, eat healthy and meditate, but still my brain remains on super high alert.

I've tried therapy, but didn't really uncover anything I hadn't already worked out for myself.

Perhaps I'm trying too hard and should just accept that I'm going through a tough time and that all I an do is keep going and hope that things get better.

Sorry this is so long, but typing it all out brings some clarity.

Love to all :)
 
So sorry to hear you have so many things on your plate, and all requires your attention which means all tasks are hard to be outsourced or delegated. It could be a huge strain and trigger.

I suspect that you must always be so strong and capable and reliable, and the sense of being overwhelmed and no solid help may trigger the anxiety and other symptoms. Maybe your brain looks at the options available and finds no proper solutions and creates the symptoms to distract you.

For example, you are the only one to pass the expertise and knowledge to your successor and you may feel the need to really make sure the transition is smooth so the next person is as ready as possible. There is a deadline for that task. Or maybe you are the only one to take care of husband because your the nice wife and he is injured, and you want to nurture him back to health during the recovery period, also a deadline for the task. Also taking care of your father, there is no deadline for the big task but small ones, like these millions of little tasks daily to make sure he is all right and his stuff is in order. Maybe that could not be outsourced because you are the adult daughter and maybe the only reliable caregiver etc. Also adding to that could be with all your efforts of doing all these things, do the others make you feel your work is appreciated ? Sometimes even small compliments would make a difference. However since you are taking care of the injured and the elderly, they might be wrapped up in their own suffering and may not pay attention to your dedication. Worse still they may even complain...

You have done so much and done beautiful things for others. Don't beat yourself to it. It is ok if the successor doesn't get everything you know, the person has a brain and could figure things out. Your husband will be fine since we know from the mindbody perspective, the individual themselves have the strongest healing power in a supportive environment. Your dad will be ok, he has lived a long life and is still living and has the blessing of being taken care of by you even though he was not the warmest dad to you when you were younger. You have done enough.
 
Lovely response from @louaci.

Mermaid said:
Perhaps I'm trying too hard and should just accept that I'm going through a tough time and that all I an do is keep going and hope that things get better.
Click to expand...
I think there's a ton of truth in that, @Mermaid.
Mermaid said:
Sorry this is so long, but typing it all out brings some clarity.
Click to expand...
Not so long at all! (goodist much?) and you know, sometimes that's what the forum can best provide.

Gabor Mate MD has spoken and written about caretaker syndrome - perhaps do a search and see if anything useful from him is on the web. You've got aspects of caretaking in all three of your situations.

Have you done any journaling about Mortality? It's one of the big core issues, along with Freedom, Meaning, and Isolation/Abandonment. I can see all four of those at work in your current life stage. Examining your emotions as they relate to the Four Issues comes from a practice called Existential Psychotherapy and it's really quite powerful, and easy to do on your own if you already have the TMS-based skills of self-examination and expressive writing.
 
@Mermaid
Wow, your life is filled with a lot right now.
Managing director
Caregiver for two adults, one of whom it sounds like you love but don’t like
Have recently been seriously ill
Exercise regularly
Socialize regularly
Journal daily
Are incredibly self-responsible..
Meditate (how much and when? Look at your life schedule!)

when do you stop? I mean all of this stuff is doing. And then topping it off you are planning to retire which is a huge stressful life change for someone who has been appearing to thrive on busyness. Imagine how your subconcious mind is processing this drastic change. “What am I going to DO???
That is an extestential crisis for someone people. It has been for me. It’s tied up in so much self-worth, identity the aging thing @JanAtheCPA talks about and as @louaci mentions, all the doing for others.
Maybe you need to slow down? Where and who can you trust to help you with all the doing? Can you find a way to drop some of the striving and do less to “fix” your symptoms right now (I know if I were in your shoes I’d feel so compelled to try and force myself to feel better quickly.
My gut feeling is that trying @TG957 ’s method of 1 hr or more meditations consistently while doing other TMS work less, will begins to slow you down. You are in a whirlwind right now.
 
Thank you so much for your understanding and helpful suggestions. Just knowing that someone understands helps a little.
 
Hello mermaid, I found therapy to be an annoying waste of time. Journaling too.

When did your relapse begin? What date? May I make the suggestion that it truly began when you went into the hospital with your life-threatening kidney infection. That was the relapse. The question is what happened in your life just before then that was important and unique to you. Did something happen with your dad last September that reminded you of a painful childhood experience?

I would like to suggest that you read pages 207 to 210 of this book available online. Begin with the paragraph "In conclusion I will relate a case..."

https://archive.org/details/meaningofillness00geor (The meaning of illness : selected psychoanalytic writings : Georg Groddeck : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive)

There are a number of other cases in this document that you might find more helpful than this one, but this one reminded me of what you said here. The life-threatening kidney infection was a major symptom that covered up a terribly painful happening.
 
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