Relapse....a lot of pain

[rabbit]

It has been a while since I posted here. I have often wished I had posted after what I consider my recovery. So, before I talk about the support I need: to anyone struggling accepting the TMS diagnosis, hang in there, it will come and the pain will stop. I never thought I would have that "magic" moment where it all clicks, like people talk about, but I did. Eventually. But if you don't that is ok too! What is important is that one day it will be better. Even though I didn't post a lot, I found this forum a critical part of my recovery, so thank you to everyone.

So, despite all that wisdom, I am really struggling. And this time I know it is TMS. I have no doubts as far as I can tell. Same spot, area. I know I am trying to rush this recovery, which is part of the problem, but the pain is impacting my life in a different way. The first time around, I was such a mess emotionally (and basically falling apart.. long story short) so my life was far from or normal. This is different - I am stable, and very aware of the stressors in my life. There are a lot, they are obvious. Again, I know I'm rushing it, and TMS is doing its thing: I am very likely starting a new job soon and worrying the pain will impact my performance. Significantly. I desperately need and want a new job. I am doing my best to struggle through, but I'm tired of all this effort and discomfort.

I'm also taking it out on my spouse - my frustration tolerance is just so low when I am in pain. The history with round 1 and my falling apart (and pushing my relationship to the brink of divorce) makes it awkward for us. So, that is hard. At the same time, I think he is doing the best he can. And for me, NOT being coddled or even having an audience is exactly what I need need from HIM and he's doing a good job and I know it must be hard. (Trust me, long and productive time in therapy so I know this is the way to go for him, but I am sure that inner child does not like it!)

The pain reaches at times 8 or 9. My butt muscles tighten as if they are being squeezed in a vice. I finally am confident in my assessment of my own pain scale. I think I am saying this because I want people to KNOW how much pain there is / can be (I do get some relief and I am examining what is going on when the pain comes, while of course feeling like it's never going to stop when it's happening). I had a medical (real one!) issue about a year ago and during a procedure they didn't quite get something right, and I learned what my 10 was! Unlike this, though, they could fix it. Yes, I had to suffer, but they fixed it. I told them something was wrong and they fixed it. (btw unlike my parents when I was a kid... I get this stuff )

I'm digging at what I am pretty sure are the issues, I've handled rough stuff before (and done it without falling apart) and "I" would really prefer the pain of that, though I guess my unconscious would not

I am my own worst enemy here: my fear is the new job I have a pretty great shot at (I'm at the tail end of the process) is going to be impossible to do b/c of the pain. There are other things going on, but when I got the call about the first interview, the pain really hit, though there was pain before.

I just want this agony to stop, which is the very thing that is going to keep it alive. I read one of my old posts - it's the same thing: outcome independence seems impossible. I am NOT "ok" with the fact that I am doing things while in pain - I'm getting by and sure " I went out with friends and did something and it doesn't matter I was in pain" well it does, b/c it was pretty damn hard to enjoy. I'm drained and still in pain and well, I just want it to stop...

Much more to say, but I think that's it for now. Thanks for listening and I hope this was coherent!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi rabbit,

Yes, this was coherent to me, and I do remember you. I am glad you're expressing yourself here, and I hope you'll get something from some member that might help. You're aware that a powerful technique is to not worry about the pain, and I know too, this takes practice.

I see that you connect the fear of pain in the new job to a significant relapse in pain. It also sounds like you're pressuring yourself to "not be in pain" and you're aware of this too.

My suggestion is to observe these patterns and connect this to your pain levels, just as you're doing. If you can think of it as an ordinary occurrence 1 + 1 = 2, this will help. No need to feel wrong that these clear patterns are happening. It is simply the way TMS works in you, and if you can see the true --psychological-- cause of the pain, it will lose its power. Especially if you're patient and don't make yourself wrong for the whole experience.

This below is natural. And I'm sorry for your struggle. It seems like you're doing the right kind of struggle, if that's possible!

I am doing my best to struggle through, but I'm tired of all this effort and discomfort.

Andy B

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi rabbit,

I am thinking it might help to write out a short description of your own progress and read this every day. Also notice your doubts and fears that this won't happen again. Be gentle with yourself, and also acknowledge clearly what did happen.

I never thought I would have that "magic" moment where it all clicks, like people talk about, but I did.

 

[Mermaid]

Hi Rabbit
I'm in the same position as you. Really stubborn relapse. I thought it would be easier to come out of the second time, but it's harder than ever. Like you I know exactly what's behind it, but still it persists. I am totally unable to relax, very difficult when you're in agony and exhausted from lack of sleep.
I hope you get some relief soon. Don't beat yourself up, you're not the only one failing this class