It has been a while since I posted here. I have often wished I had posted after what I consider my recovery. So, before I talk about the support I need: to anyone struggling accepting the TMS diagnosis, hang in there, it will come and the pain will stop. I never thought I would have that "magic" moment where it all clicks, like people talk about, but I did. Eventually. But if you don't that is ok too! What is important is that one day it will be better. Even though I didn't post a lot, I found this forum a critical part of my recovery, so thank you to everyone. So, despite all that wisdom, I am really struggling. And this time I know it is TMS. I have no doubts as far as I can tell. Same spot, area. I know I am trying to rush this recovery, which is part of the problem, but the pain is impacting my life in a different way. The first time around, I was such a mess emotionally (and basically falling apart.. long story short) so my life was far from or normal. This is different - I am stable, and very aware of the stressors in my life. There are a lot, they are obvious. Again, I know I'm rushing it, and TMS is doing its thing: I am very likely starting a new job soon and worrying the pain will impact my performance. Significantly. I desperately need and want a new job. I am doing my best to struggle through, but I'm tired of all this effort and discomfort. I'm also taking it out on my spouse - my frustration tolerance is just so low when I am in pain. The history with round 1 and my falling apart (and pushing my relationship to the brink of divorce) makes it awkward for us. So, that is hard. At the same time, I think he is doing the best he can. And for me, NOT being coddled or even having an audience is exactly what I need need from HIM and he's doing a good job and I know it must be hard. (Trust me, long and productive time in therapy so I know this is the way to go for him, but I am sure that inner child does not like it!) The pain reaches at times 8 or 9. My butt muscles tighten as if they are being squeezed in a vice. I finally am confident in my assessment of my own pain scale. I think I am saying this because I want people to KNOW how much pain there is / can be (I do get some relief and I am examining what is going on when the pain comes, while of course feeling like it's never going to stop when it's happening). I had a medical (real one!) issue about a year ago and during a procedure they didn't quite get something right, and I learned what my 10 was! Unlike this, though, they could fix it. Yes, I had to suffer, but they fixed it. I told them something was wrong and they fixed it. (btw unlike my parents when I was a kid... I get this stuff ) I'm digging at what I am pretty sure are the issues, I've handled rough stuff before (and done it without falling apart) and "I" would really prefer the pain of that, though I guess my unconscious would not I am my own worst enemy here: my fear is the new job I have a pretty great shot at (I'm at the tail end of the process) is going to be impossible to do b/c of the pain. There are other things going on, but when I got the call about the first interview, the pain really hit, though there was pain before. I just want this agony to stop, which is the very thing that is going to keep it alive. I read one of my old posts - it's the same thing: outcome independence seems impossible. I am NOT "ok" with the fact that I am doing things while in pain - I'm getting by and sure " I went out with friends and did something and it doesn't matter I was in pain" well it does, b/c it was pretty damn hard to enjoy. I'm drained and still in pain and well, I just want it to stop... Much more to say, but I think that's it for now. Thanks for listening and I hope this was coherent!