Refuse to make yourself miserable

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Has anybody read How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything, by Albert Ellis? I’m halfway through. What an eye opener! (He’s the founder of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

The main premise that I’ve gotten so far is, when you think in absolutes, you’ll be miserable. Dead giveaway is using the word “must.” For example, “I must have everyone like me, or I’m a terrible person.”

I’m making a huge running list of my musts right now in my head. “I must get better from TMS fast, or I’m letting my family down.” Sad, really. Such unfair expectations. I have a ton of them! No wonder I have rage, tension and anxiety.

REBT seems really helpful and reminds me a lot of my favorite book, Feeling Good, by David Burns.
 
'Must' and 'should' and 'shouldn't' and 'have to' and 'I can't'. It's a self inflicted tyranny. 'Should' is big one for me personally. For example... "I should check this out or that out before doing or buying this that or the other." I do it because I don't want to blame myself when/if things go pear shaped (wrong) and I also do it to try and prevent myself from having to cope with things when they do go pear shaped because I don't want the hassle and upset and difficulties of it all; it comes from having spent years on my own with no one there to help me out when things did go pear shaped. I haven't read the book but @Rinkey posts about REBT on occasion. This is one of her postings here which you may or may not have already seen https://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/how-to-prevent-tms.29895/#post-159697
 
Diana-M said:
Has anybody read How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything, by Albert Ellis? I’m halfway through. What an eye opener! (He’s the founder of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

The main premise that I’ve gotten so far is, when you think in absolutes, you’ll be miserable. Dead giveaway is using the word “must.” For example, “I must have everyone like me, or I’m a terrible person.”
Click to expand...

Yes, I’ve read it – it’s actually my favorite Ellis book. It really is an eye-opener. What I love about it is how clearly he shows that it isn’t the situations themselves that make us miserable, it’s the “musts” and “shoulds” we attach to them.

For me, the big shift was realizing that it’s exactly those “musts” and “shoulds” that need to be rethought and reframed into preferences instead. So instead of, “I must have everyone like me or I’m a terrible person,” it becomes, “I’d really prefer that people like me, but I don’t have to have it, and it doesn’t make me a terrible person if they don’t.” Catching myself when I use words like must, should, have to, and then deliberately changing them to “I’d like,” “I’d prefer,” “it would be great if…” has been a huge part of putting Ellis’ ideas into practice.

When I first started with REBT, I would actually write out the ABCDE by hand:

  • A – the Activating event

  • B – what I was Believing about it

  • C – the emotional and physical Consequences (for me, C was usually anger and hence TMS)

  • D – Disputing the irrational belief

  • E – the new, more Effective belief and feeling
It felt clunky at first, but over time that more rational way of thinking started to become more automatic. Now I can often do a mini-ABCDE in my head when I notice those rigid “musts” creeping in.

For those of us with TMS, this has been especially helpful with symptom-related beliefs like “I must be pain-free right now” or “I must recover quickly or I’ll never have a normal life.” Turning those into strong preferences instead of absolutes really lowers the emotional pressure and, in my experience, helps calm the body as well as the mind.

Do you have a favorite part of the book yet @Diane?
 
Rinkey said:
Do you have a favorite part of the book yet
Click to expand...
Hi, @Rinkey!
I’m about halfway through and I am just loving all of it. I immediately started thinking of the many times that I say “must” in what I say and what I think. It made me realize how rigidly I look at the world, and how unforgiving my standards are.

I think my favorite part of the book so far is learning how to refute irrational thoughts. I like his questions to use to do that. We challenge our dogmatic outlooks, realizing that a scientific attitude can really bring clarity.

For example, something I always think every day— and that obviously gives me a lot of pressure— is “I must never be sick or physically challenged in any way around my family. I must protect them from the stress or fear this will bring them.” I started looking at that in a scientific way. Who says that I or anyone should never be sick? (I know TMS isn’t sickness, per se). It’s illogical to think adversity can be avoided. It’s part of the human experience. Less than desirable situations are going to occur in our lives— all of our lives. I didn’t get married and promise nothing bad would ever happen to me. Neither did my husband. Yet every day I beat myself up for “putting him through this TMS with me.” My “shoulds” bring me the most misery—much more than the TMS.

I didn’t have kids and promise that they would never have adversity. In fact, that’s a promise that no one can make. I have a lot of offshoots on this same exact thought. I need to get better fast so that people around me don’t suffer. Who says we aren’t supposed to suffer? Who says suffering is bad? Who says I get to control this? Who says it’s avoidable?

Over the past year with my TMS, I’ve beaten myself up ruthlessly over things I haven’t been able to do with my family because of my symptoms. Angry and blaming myself “that I’m doing it to them.” Feeling, I should’ve avoided this somehow. I can see now how completely unjust and incorrect this line of thinking is.

So yes, I would say this book does much more than make you not miserable (as the title says). In many ways it sets you free. It can be very useful for treating one’s attitudes about TMS. But also, about all of life in general.

It’s very obvious to me, now, that the way I think has contributed so much to me having TMS. Maybe more than any other factor. And the cure is going to be learning how to think in a better way.

It sounds like REBT played a big role for you in your healing. Am I right? Tell me a little about that, if you would like.
 
Last edited:
I think this is what miffybunny (rita) probably always means. Its our thiughts doing the damage. Im starting ti think the somatic stuff taught is ok fir calming you diwn but you will never feel safe all the while your thinking and behaviours are harming you
 
Diana-M said:
So yes, I would say this book does much more than make you not miserable (as the title says). In many ways it sets you free. It can be very useful for treating one’s attitudes about TMS. But also, about all of life in general.
Click to expand...

Diane! Your reply is remarkable and so thoughtful. And also you @Ellen @CalmIsTheCure and @Joulegirl. Thank you very much. I’ll write back to you later this week so we can create more ideas. I am sure that Dr. Sarno’s patients who had a little harder time with TMS learned REBT from either seeing, Sarno’s psychiatrists (can't recall her name) or reading Al Ellis's works.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top