Really Struggling.. Know my issues are psychological but still can't make progress

[jetsfan75]

Hello,

I have been dealing with TMS/stress related issues for long time now since the age 15. I am almost 25 now and issues just keep worse.

First it was intense burning foot pain that I had a few years. I was able to heal that after a few weeks after discovering and reading Sarno.

After that I developed some other issues. I ended up getting a number of tests and everything was normal. One of those was an MRI with Contrast. When I googled that there is research that shows that this MRI contrast is retained in the brain. This somehow seeped into my unconscious mind that I could have brain damage and now everything I do I feel extreme doubt. I can feel the doubt so strong at work. Physically this has led to a number of symptoms that have become unbearable. I have a constant head pressure and TMJ, developed really bad gerd and a number of weird gastro issues in which I will barely eat, insomnia in which I usually only sleep a few hours a night, weird skins rashes, weird body pains, and most recently diaphragm spasms that make it hard to breathe.

I feel there is no hope for me anymore. I have struggled so intensely for the last 3 year and now I am struggling to work anymore as my symptoms have gotten worse and worse. I feel I have tried everything , but I can't get rid of doubt in my brain that it is damaged even when I have done successful things at work. The doubt won't go away no matter what I do and I am not sure what to do anymore. I feel I can't go on much long like this as I am barely functioning and feel myself getting more and more sick. I am afraid I will no longer be able to keep my job as lately I have been feeling so sick that I have been barely able to do anything.

I know my issues aren't exactly TMS, but I wasn't sure where else to go as I know if I could give up this doubt that is caused from this MRI contrast I could move on with my life, but I am unable to do so. I know from a conscious perspective how ridiculous my unconscious is being, but I don't know how to actually move forward so my unconscious will actually stop giving me this constant doubt. I feel so stuck and hopeless and just don't know what to do anymore as it feels I have not been living at all for the last 3 years. I know this whole thing is completely irrational with the doubt, but I can't seem to let go no matter what I do.

I have tried reading many TMS books, as well as many other books from Gabor Mate, Joe Dispenza, etc, tried mindfulness(but that just feels like avoidance as I feel it makes me feel better in the moment, but when I try to do anything the doubt is there so strongly), tried changing my thinking, journaling, exercise, etc... Nothing has helped me at all. I feel the harder I try to get rid of the doubt the harder it fights back, but also if I try to take a "I don't care" approach it is still strong that is hard to function.

Sorry if this wasn't the correct place to post this, I just can feel that my health issues are psychological, but I am unable to move on from them. Any help or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

John

 

[miffybunny]

Hi John,

Doubt is like poison that fuels fear, which fuels symptoms. It sounds like you are ruminating a lot on things which your brain decided were "dangerous". This is all anxiety and one giant defense mechanism to cope with the anxiety. Your body is communicating to you that you need to start paying attention to the real underlying emotions but it is also "defending' those emotions in a sense through the body. So your body is expressing and defending ....So what is the way out? The way out is using LOGIC to combat the irrational fears. You have to look at your thoughts, symptoms, and experiences as innocuous and harmless. Stop giving so much respect to TMS and so much power and meaning to an utterly meaningless MRI contrast. Start dismantling those false beliefs you have about being "brain damaged" or broken in some way. See the thought for what it really is...just an irrational thought. Laugh at it and know it's ridiculous. Then try to identify your emotions and actually allow yourself to feel them. Are there emotional themes that have played out through your life? Do they affect your self image (your relationship with yourself) in some way? Does it lead to you feeling disempowered? What would bring you joy and meaning and confidence in your life? What changes can you work on?....for ex.: socializing more, forming connections with others, pursuing a passion or hobby, learning something new, etc... The key is to re engage with your life and stop making your life all about fixing a "problem" and monitoring your body. Belief is ultimately a decision. Start believing in yourself John.

 

[Baseball65]

This somehow seeped into my unconscious mind that I could have brain damage and now everything I do I feel extreme doubt

I know my issues aren't exactly TMS, but I wasn't sure where else to go as I know if I could give up this doubt that is caused from this MRI contrast I could move on with my life

This is absolutely TMS. You are suffering from what Sarno called "Physicophobia".. a first cousin of OCD. So what? what if you are 'brain damaged'? Did you think you are going through life unscathed? Would figuring this out or 'resolving it' give you any peace? NO... you'd just go an obsess about the next thing.

I posted this a long time ago; https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/if-you-are-reading-this-you-are-going-to-die.22926/ (If you are reading this, You are going to die)

I feel the harder I try to get rid of the doubt the harder it fights back

That is OCD. waaay worse than pain. I've had both... I'd rather put my hand in a blender than give that shit one more minute of my life

...and when people have OCD, the thing they are trying to 'perfect' is NOT what they are being disturbed by... it's other things in their life that are too scary to look at. If you stop worrying about brain damage and look at your personal relationships, career, finances and dependency on other people, you might not need to be so perfect.

 

[oneperson]

Hey John,

I'm new to the forum but not to mindbody, physical, and mental health challenges, issues, illnesses.

Are you able to get some one-on-one mental health therapy, preferably from a mindbody/cognitive mental health therapist?

As far as what you've read regarding the reaction(?) to MRI contrast dye...is there a way to get tested (mainly to rule that out) at a reasonable cost or with insurance coverage? If you can more definitively rule that out, it may be "easier" to rid the doubt aspect.

Wishing you all the best...
~Carol

 

[jetsfan75]

This is absolutely TMS. You are suffering from what Sarno called "Physicophobia".. a first cousin of OCD. So what? what if you are 'brain damaged'? Did you think you are going through life unscathed? Would figuring this out or 'resolving it' give you any peace? NO... you'd just go an obsess about the next thing.

I posted this a long time ago; https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/if-you-are-reading-this-you-are-going-to-die.22926/ (If you are reading this, You are going to die)

That is OCD. waaay worse than pain. I've had both... I'd rather put my hand in a blender than give that shit one more minute of my life

...and when people have OCD, the thing they are trying to 'perfect' is NOT what they are being disturbed by... it's other things in their life that are too scary to look at. If you stop worrying about brain damage and look at your personal relationships, career, finances and dependency on other people, you might not need to be so perfect.

Thanks for your reply. All of this makes sense from a conscious level, but on an unconscious level my brain refuses to let go. It just feels not matter what I do I am stuck. I have read all the books, I have tried accepting that my brain is damaged, I just feel trapped and that there is no way out of this

 

[Balsa11]

Don't forget to do the things you enjoy

 

[Eureka]

Are you journaling / writing things down, as I found this a really good way to unlock the emotions that I didn't know I felt?
I you approach it like automatic writing, you have a better chance of bypassing the rational part of your mind that is trying to talk you out of addressing the real issues.

 

[Balsa11]

Journaling helps with cognitive stuff but I need more relaxation and movement etc for my body.

 

[Eureka]

Hi John, you seem to have so much insight into yourself and the way you think, feel and use avoidance tactics and I can empathise with your feelings of frustration and fear.
I wonder if there's something that you've repressed and your doubts and fear are a device to protect you from feeling whatever it is? I can only offer anecdotes as I don't understand the brain enough to give another explanation but strongly believe in this method.

I'm diagnosed with trigemminal neuralgia, cluster headaches and migraine and had a big flare up from Jan-March this year. The pain was horrendous and I'm someone that I think appears a coper to others but am conflict avoidant. In March something happened where I stood up to my sister and didn't allow her to bully me (which she's done for years) the very next day my 'symptoms' vanished and I realised that I've been frightened of her and her over reactions for years. I've also realised that I have probably had anxiety for years but not known it.

I know that other people's anecdotes can be tiresome when you're still searching and I'm telling you this because although this was something that my body was aware of, I hadn't really understood or faced up to it.
Please keep going because you're on the right track and will have a breakthrough.

 

[Eureka]

Hi John, I came across this post on TMJ that might give you some hope.

Read Roxygirl's inspiring post about how she became pain free after suffering from TMJ, severe neck pain and back pain.

I wonder if rather than fighting your TMS or pretending to ignore it, you approached it as your ally. It's been protecting you from what it thinks are horrible and deeply uncomfortable feelings for a long time, so has had years of practice. If you acknowledge the part it has played in protecting you and thank it for supporting you and let in know that you're now strong enough to manage those feelings yourself, it may begin to let go.

 

[Balsa11]

I think body gratitude is easier, thrn you can change your attitude towards TMS. Being kind to yourself and remembering to breathe is important

 

[paige1993]

Hi John,

I completely understand knowing that the fear is irrational and still being completely terrified of it. Echoing what miffybunny said, combat these doubts and fears with logic. Give these fears no power, and look at them as silly mechanisms simply trying to pull you away from dealing with the underlying emotions. When you're out of this, you're going to look back at your specific fears and wondered how they ever scared you in the first place. Just from a medical standpoint, if your brain was truly damaged, performing well at work would be out of the question. Use statements like that over and over when the fears come back up. Additionally, our bodies are designed to heal and are not weak things, as much of the medical system implies. What helped me when I was in a flare was to steep myself in the science BEHIND the mindbody healing connection, so that I had a wealth of credible evidence to fall back on when I began to doubt.