Rage + Anxiety + Fear of Abandonment

[Diana-M]

It is clear to me that anxiety plays a major role in my TMS. A number of years ago, I had panic attacks and chronic debilitating anxiety. I learned how to manage it and then to get rid of it through TMS healing methods —only to have it be replaced by a near-total physical breakdown throughout my entire body. Same problem, different manifestation.

I’ve had 10 years of psychotherapy— and more recently three very intense years of Internal Family Systems therapy, dealing with my childhood trauma. Though helpful, and despite my deepest hopes, none of this therapy alleviated my TMS.

I’ve had more success with meditation and the words of Dr. Claire Weekes, in a little helpful book called Hope and Help for Your Nerves, which I highly recommend for understanding and treating anxiety and TMS.

Some days I think that all I need to do is heal the anxiety and I’ll be in the clear —but that is not recognizing that rage is absolutely part of TMS.

TMS is a two headed monster: rage + anxiety.

Recently, I’ve had a breakthrough on figuring out something in my current life that’s causing me lot of rage. (It’s really hard to get to the root of some issues. You think you see what it is going on, but you can still be off by a few degrees.) You have to take what’s bothering you and burrow down. Take the obvious and keep asking why. Why does this bother me SO much?

My bottom line why for most of my rage is fear of abandonment. I can’t see straight when I feel threatened by abandonment. It’s a major trigger.

I’m terrified of feeling the sensation of abandonment, but the truth is, I can survive that feeling. It’s only a feeling, and I can survive it! I just need to teach my brain that I can; and it is stubborn. It’s been protecting me for a long time. It’s not about to let down its guard without persistent, consistent messaging from me.

A really good message I’ve been saying lately is: I will always be safe, and I will always be OK. I’ll cross all bridges when I get to them, and there will be help available. I’m not alone.

 

[BruceMC]

But Diana-M can you pinpoint what's behind your fear of abandonment? Obviously some childhood issues no doubt. Can you account for it using your Internal Family Systems model?

 

[Cactusflower]

@Diana-M
This is one of my issues too. I grew up with a parent who showed love conditionally, everything was conditional with that parent. It sure filed the abandonment flames!

 

[hikko]

Currently reading through "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker and it's so far helped a great deal in seeing how my childhood trauma led to certain maladaptive personality/survival traits, which eventually led to TMS as an adult.

The way I see it now:

Childhood Trauma -> Perfectionism, inner-critic, fear, lack of self-esteem, people-pleasing, goodism -> Build up of rage and conflict with inner child -> TMS

 

[Diana-M]

But Diana-M can you pinpoint what's behind your fear of abandonment? Obviously some childhood issues no doubt. Can you account for it using your Internal Family Systems model?

Hi Bruce!
Oh absolutely! I know where it’s all coming from in my childhood and the IFS therapy really helped me see it and heal it. What’s new for me, is I just realized my grown kids sometimes trigger abandonment feelings for me—and I didn’t recognize that at first. Because they’re my kids, I guess.

 

[Diana-M]

Childhood Trauma -> Perfectionism, inner-critic, fear, lack of self-esteem, people-pleasing, goodism -> Build up of rage and conflict with inner child -> TMS

100 %! I agree on that.

 

[Duggit]

I think fear of abandonment is a really common and critically important factor in TMS, which unfortunately is too often overlooked. My purpose here is to explain why I think that.

My view is based on attachment theory, which was pioneered by the late psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. The core idea of attachment theory is that we have an innate drive for physical and emotional connection with other people. This drive is hard-wired in our brains as a result of--take your pick--evolution or Intelligent Design.

Gabor Maté concisely explained the effect of this drive on our lives in his latest book The Myth of Normal. He noted that for mammals, and even birds, this drive is indispensable for survival.

“Its primary purpose is to facilitate either caretaking or being taken care of. For the human infant especially—at birth among the most immature, dependent, and helpless animals, and remaining that way for by far the longest period of time—the need for attachment is mandatory. Without reliable adults moved to take care of us, and without our impulse to be close to these caregivers, we simply could not survive—not for a day. . . .​

“In infancy our dependence is an obligatory and long-haul proposition. Everything from crying to cuteness--two unignorable cues babies transmit--is an inbuilt behavior tailored by Nature to keep our caregivers giving and caring. But the need for attachment does not expire once we are out of diapers; it continues to motivate us throughout our lifespan. . . . What distinguishes our earliest attachment relationships—and, crucially, the coping styles we develop to maintain them—is that they form the template for how we approach all our significant relationships, long after we have grown out of the do-or-die phase. We carry them into interactions with spouses, partners, employers, friends, colleagues: into all aspects of our personal, professional, social and even political lives.”​

Bearing this in mind, now consider what Sarno wrote three decades earlier in Healing Back Pain:

“I remember a mother telling me proudly how she had stopped the temper tantrums in her little fifteen month old. The ‘wise’ family doctor suggested that she splash ice water in the child’s face when he started to take a tantrum. It worked beautifully—he never had another tantrum. At the ripe age of fifteen months he had learned the technique of repression. He had been programmed to repress anger because it produced vary unpleasant consequences, and he would carry that dubious talent with him throughout his life.”​

The ice water on his face might have been unpleasant in itself, but the really unpleasant consequence was that his loving and caring mother was suddenly and violently anything but loving and caring. His all-important caregiver abandoned him in a time of need, i.e., whatever unmet need he had that prompted his tantrum. He learned that his anger at his mother significantly damaged his attachment relationship with her. Stated differently, the fifteen month old learned that his anger at his mother was too dangerous to his well-being to experience, so he coped by learning the dubious talent of repression. As Sarno has noted, we repress emotions that we discover are too dangerous to experience. In my view, not much can be more dangerous to one's well-being that an emotion that frustrates his or her hard-wired drive for secure attachments in significant relationships.

I have another story about abandonment that involved Sarno. It concerns a woman he had successfully treated for low back pain that had persistent for many years. She remained completely free of low back pain (or any other form of TMS) for many years thereafter. But then the back pain returned, seemingly out of the blue. She was unable to figure out why, so she telephoned Sarno.

He successfully treated her in a 10 minute phone call. He first asked her what was going on in her life currently. She said her husband had just been diagnosed with cancer. Her worry, dread, and anguish that the cancer would be fatal was obvious in the conversation. Sarno knew from having treated her years earlier that she had been sexually abused by a family member as a child, and when she sought help from her primary caregiver, that person did not believe her and did not support her at all--in other words, abandoned her. Sarno said that her childish, narcissistic id was angry at her husband because of fear he would abandon her by dying from cancer, and she was repressing her anger at him. To her unconscious, childish, narcissistic id, her fear that he would abandonment her by dying was equivalent to her childhood abandonment trauma. Her back pain was gone when the phone call ended and never returned.

Sarno never wrote about this, so how do I know about it. Her husband told me. He did not die from the cancer, which was in one of his thumbs. That thumb had to be amputated so the cancer could not spread. The amputation ended his career as a heart surgeon. I have no doubt that financially he could have retired, but he was inspired to became a mindbody physician. His training for that included spending some time learning from Sarno in his clinic.

So how did I hear the story from the husband? Fourteen years ago, several months after I retired, I got neck pain that persisted. At that time, I was a Sarno disciple because years earlier I had ended more than two decades of persistent low back pain by following his advice in Healing Back Pain. However, I was unable to get rid of the neck pain, so I consulted the husband about my neck pain. After probably the second or third time that I told him that something he had just said was contrary to what Sarno wrote, he blurted out that Sarno did not go deep enough. I figured he was referring to ISTDP since Sarno’s chief clinic psychologist was trained in that, so I undertook serious self-study of ISTDP. Attachment theory is the foundation of ISTDP.

 

[Diana-M]

@Duggit

I am tremendously grateful for your long post. It really hits the spot for my issues right now. I am intrigued by ISDTP, if it focuses on abandonment. It’s something I haven’t tried yet. I will look into it.

I have an ACE score of 6. The attachment I needed as a child was blown sky high.

When you mention that CURRENT events can bring back the original betrayals— that’s where I am now. And DENIAL is very strong, when you have such a fragile underlying sense of stability.

I imagine that people are safe for me—even if they’re abusive. Thus, denial keeps toxins hiding in plain sight. Denial also protects me from the pain of yet more rejection from people who I think “love” me. Right now, it’s my oldest son. And he has been linked to my symptoms for several years. I kept thinking I had it figured out. But I didn’t get down to the abandonment level.

One of his tricks is he likes to pull the family apart and separate me from his brothers with various gaslighting and just plain mean strategies. I have always defended him at all costs. He pulled some things just recently and the alarm finally went off in my head. If someone or something is KILLING you—you HAVE to remove yourself from it/them. End of story. I ended my marriage with his father for the same reason. But these many years later, I just couldn’t bear to think my son is turning out like him. It feels like my fault. But I know that’s not true. It hurts on an indescribable level.

I’m learning from Al-anon that family social disease rolls downhill. Unfortunately, people who need love most are destined to not get it. I believe this includes many people with TMS. So the crowning injustice is TMS—along with all else.

By the grace of God, I am here as a survivor. With my background, I could have probably died in a gutter somewhere. Instead, I’m sober, sane, God-fearing, managed to get an education— and as an added plus, I’ve never been to jail. I am, however, riddled with TMS at the moment.

I share my story in hopes of helping anyone else face the rough road to healing. Because I deserve—we all deserve— to be whole and to LIVE a full life with all the built-in joys it offers. We need our bodies healed. And so help me, I’m going to keep picking this lock til it finally opens—and I’m free.

 

[Diana-M]

. I grew up with a parent who showed love conditionally

Cactus, This must have really hurt. And it’s so confusing to a child. “What did I do wrong?” You are such a guiding light of healing to me. Thank you so much for all you share with us here!

 

[Cactusflower]

My personality made me be more like “what can I do right to please you”. I recognized their anxiety to be the perfect parent from the earliest of my memories. My own imperfections then became a constant a) learning opportunity to teach me “perfection” (which I also recognized was inconsistent between people, and never made any sense, confusing me even more!) and b) source of frustration which was clearly communicated by the conditionality of expressing (not feeling, but expressing) love.
Of course that is common, so my family dynamics looked very normal. However on an Aces test, when taken through the eyes of a child, I got a 3-4.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I think fear of abandonment is a really common and critically important factor in TMS, which unfortunately is too often overlooked.

I write about Abandonment (and its cousin Isolation) frequently, as it is one of the four primary human issues in the theory and practice of Existential Psychotherapy, which I have found incredibly simple to follow, and very helpful as a way of focusing on topics for self-reflection (and journaling).

I think that one reason abandonment is overlooked is because it is usually completely repressed as an unacceptable emotion. One aspect or reason for this is the unacceptable terror of abandonment, but I think that another reason is that it is inherently selfish, and of course we're "not supposed" to behave selfishly - especially when the person who might abandon us is the one facing illness and possible loss of life - or in some cases has in fact died.

I had forgotten that Dr. Mate has the new book! When The Body Says No is the third book that turned my life around back in 2012 (after Dr. Sarno and Claire Weeks) and I finally checked the availability of The Myth of Normal at my library - it's a 13 week hold for the e-book, 7 weeks for the audio book! I probably just need to buy it...

 

[HealingMe]

My bottom line why for most of my rage is fear of abandonment. I can’t see straight when I feel threatened by abandonment. It’s a major trigger.

I’m terrified of feeling the sensation of abandonment, but the truth is, I can survive that feeling. It’s only a feeling, and I can survive it! I just need to teach my brain that I can; and it is stubborn. It’s been protecting me for a long time. It’s not about to let down its guard without persistent, consistent messaging from me.

Hi Diana and thank you for starting this thread. I had one of those moments recently when I realized my bottom line for most of my rage is fear of abandonment. This is quite painful for me when I think about it.

 

[Diana-M]

. I had one of those moments recently when I realized my bottom line for most of my rage is fear of abandonment. This is quite painful for me when I think about it.

Me too! I just recently figured this out and you’re right it’s extremely painful to think about, but also very helpful to know because you can recognize what’s happening, easier.

 

[BruceMC]

@Diana-M
This is one of my issues too. I grew up with a parent who showed love conditionally, everything was conditional with that parent. It sure filed the abandonment flames!

Same here! The condition was if I wasn't perfect and a good little achiever, my parents were going to place me in a foster home. They said it like it was a joke, but the child mind takes those kind of statements very seriously. I can remember years later on a climbing trip with two other guys to Washington State how afraid I was they'd leave me behind at a small town while we were in a laundromat washing our trail clothes. These kind of powerful theme left over from childhood have a way of having a life of their own, don't they?

 

[Baseball65]

place me in a foster home

Wow we are all similar. After My father died at age 5, My Mom not-so-jokingly warned me that I was going to be put in an orphanage. She actually screamed it at me any time I was out of order.

It took me 25 years of scribbling to even remember that. Sarno might call that the 'preconscious'...things buried but available with effort. He said that those were not actually the culprits, but the unconscious feelings they generate ARE.

 

[Diana-M]

He said that those were not actually the culprits, but the unconscious feelings they generate ARE.

Amazing you figured that out! (And terrible you had to hear that from your mothers—both of you.) I was thinking today of a friend of mine whose terrible abuse as a child made him turn to substances until they landed him in jail at the age of 65. He is so miserable and it’s really sad. I could have been him, but instead I have TMS—which is my teacher and in a strange way, my healer. So God is good. I guess what I’m saying is: glass half full. Our parents screwed up. But we might end up better because of it. Only because we are among the very slim minority who have embraced Sarno’s principles and the great self discovery it provides. <3

 

[richard_lt]

I am grateful you started this post @Diana-M and to the people responding. Similar to you @Baseball65 and @BruceMC my stepmom threatened my brother and i with sending us away to live in a children home. Would likely have been better than the abuse we got from her. My chest hurts remembering this.

Diana we might end up better, i struggle with accepting the abuse helps us later, sometimes i say 'well this leads to me understanding myself better' and deep down i feel it is bs because i really wish i had loving parents and no abuse

 

[Diana-M]

My chest hurts remembering this.

i really wish i had loving parents and no abuse

@richard_lt
That’s horrible. I’m so sad for you! I hate that all this happened! I think I might have botched that post. What I meant was — this kind of pain can cause bad things to happen. If we let our TMS help us heal (by doing the work) —maybe we can get a little relief. Versus never exploring the pain, which pretty much makes things worse. So TMS is a bell — your body screaming—calling you to address these terrible things, rather than drowning them out in substance abuse or overeating-or whatever other destructive thing. (No. Abuse is never a good thing for any reason.)

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I had forgotten that Dr. Mate has the new book! When The Body Says No is the third book that turned my life around back in 2012 (after Dr. Sarno and Claire Weeks) and I finally checked the availability of The Myth of Normal at my library - it's a 13 week hold for the e-book, 7 weeks for the audio book! I probably just need to buy it...

I have the audiobook from the library and I'm on Chapter 7 and I will DEFINITELY be buying a print version because the book is AMAZING. I sometimes refer to Steve's O's The Great Pain Deception as an encyclopedia of TMS - well, The Myth of Normal feels like an encyclopedia of research and findings into all things mindbody because Dr Mate is able to connect all physical and mental suffering to emotional distress. He doesn't hold back, and he's compiled the latest research and case studies to prove the connection.

It's a massive extension of knowledge and new insights, building on When The Body Says No. Here are two takeaways that had me personally cheering:

1. His description of resolving a personal rage-inducing incident by "choosing vulnerability over victimhood"

2. His assertion, with plenty of authoritative citations to back it up, that the autoimmune conditions are 100% caused by the inflammation which results from chronic stress and emotional repression.

It's a really long book - thus my characterization as an encyclopedia. But, just like WTBSN, it's so well-written and he is so compassionate. His son wrote the book with him as a real-time editor and collaborator - who also narrates the audiobook, very well, too.

 

[Ybird]

i struggle with accepting the abuse helps us later, sometimes i say 'well this leads to me understanding myself better' and deep down i feel it is bs because i really wish i had loving parents and no abuse

I agree this type of thing is bs/sales pitch.