Rage/Anger Outburst experience

[Edmond]

Hi everyone, I want to share with you an experience I had today.
I have chronic pain for about 5 years. Discovered TMS 2 years ago, still in pain, but with a lot of hope. I had ups and downs and TMS makes more sense to me now. 3 days agoI began improving a lot by stop monitoring the symptoms I made in my head.
I did very well until something happened to me today.
I had an angry outburts in the street with somebody, like I never had before.
It was a person pretending he was deaf-mute and asking people for donations in the street. I gave this same person 50 cents like 3 months ago and he got angry at me because I gave him too little money. I say nothing to him and went home, however I was very upset because he didn't deserve it, especially after he got angry at me and I said nothing to him (repressed).
Today I was feeling a lot better, my TMS symptoms improved a lot in just 3 days, I felt strong, however, this guy approached me again in the street asking for money. I said no, he insisted behind me, I said loud to him, NO ! I was angry, I walked my way toward library, I stopped in front of it to wait for a friend. This guy, again, came to me, this time speaking, he was angry and intimadating, however I got much more angry at him, I had an outburst of anger, he began shouting and I began shouthing at him like crazy to walk away from me, about the 50 cents I gave him few months ago and to not ask me for money again. The flight or fight reaction I had was pretty strong, I began shaking. He got submissive, then he walked away. After that, the flight or fight and tms symptoms were very strong and it got better after about 30 minutes.
The thing is, I never showed anger, never in the street, always repressing, this time I couldn't control myself, it was crazy. I felt bad about my reaction and I am still angry about this a little bit now. I realise now that I want so bad to focus at my symptoms again right now, and that, when my symptoms are better I feel much more happiness, when I keep focusing on the symptoms, I am angry all the time at almost everything, but I never show anger, but when I feel very tense, with pain, I am very angry inside even if I try to not appear angry. After this anger outburst I needed much more my symptoms as I continued to be angry and I felt ashamed about that happening in the street. However I try my best not to focus on the symptoms as I am aware that will get worse if I do and if I stop obssesing about them I will be happier and less angry.
I think this correlates with TMS, when somebody is repressing, keep things inside, they may have an outburst of anger from little things, however, a happier person, in touch with their feelings, they may react with much more control, with a lower fight or flight response and less tensed.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Edmond,

When I was initially working with Dr. Sarno's process, I had a tremendous rageful outburst which very much surprised me. I think this helped me understand that I was allowing more to come to the surface! It surprised me, but like with you, it made sense to me within the context of my inner work with pain.

I am frankly happy for you that you had such a powerful experience of anger. It did not hurt anyone, and you let the fellow know what you're thinking. Although surprising and disturbing for you, this was a chance to "really be yourself."

One benefit from this is that you really have first hand experience of the volcano of rage which we all have down deep. Now, when you have symptoms, you can better understand how they are a defense mechanism so that you don't feel or express this level of rage. Most of us wonder, in working with Dr. Sarno's theory "how can my body create this much pain? why would it do that?"

When you have a visceral experience of rage, the unbounded experience, you can see biologically that this level of rage might be threatening to the "tribe" and therefore a distraction response like TMS could develop in humans. Better to limp around in pain than to kill everyone!

You're really able to understand this part better:

I am angry all the time at almost everything, but I never show anger, but when I feel very tense, with pain, I am very angry inside even if I try to not appear angry.

As the shock and shame arise, you can understand how your identity is limited in a way that does not include this rage. Your normal sense of self does not want to allow this experience, so it shames you for it. Normally it keeps all this rage far away, almost out of sight. How? TMS! (and other functions, like the superego).

All of this is deeply instructive, in my opinion. Plus, you got to be really angry! Doesn't it feel good in a way? To be fully your animal, aggressive, reactive self? How does it feel to meet the world (this pestering fellow on the street) in a way that is satisfying for a part of you? Remember, you didn't hurt anyone, only someone's feelings, perhaps. And he was aggressive toward you, initiating this interaction.

If you were someone who habitually acted out his rage in abusive, harmful ways, I would not make this response, but this is not your description of yourself.

If you explore the root energetic experience of this, you may find it possible to have this level of "boundaries" --this level of surity-- in other situations ---without an outburst. The essence of this experience, it seems to me is "Back Off!" or "I'm done talking now." Isn't that an important thing to know about your own self-care, and to be able to communicate with others?

Good luck, and I think you're on the right track!

Andy B

 

[Edmond]

Hi Andy, thanks for the nice explanation and encouragement you gave.
Now for me TMS makes more sense than ever and I calmed down.
I can relate the symptoms with this anger I have inside. It was really because: I began improving, stop needing these symptoms, but I was still not happy, as this guy annoyed me I showed what I hidden all this time, my true self, then, after feeling ashamed of the situation I needed my symptoms back because a part of me doesn't want to look bad in public places so I can have the pain as an excuse and not being responsible for my actions.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Wonderful! You can just fold all of the insights in this experience into a deepening evidence that you suffer from TMS. Knowing more and more that this is exactly what you suffer from, and nothing else, is the cure!
Andy B