Question about journaling and pain

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
So, I’ve been journaling up a storm, and uncovering some surprise layers of rage and even sorrow. Meanwhile, my symptoms are spiking like crazy. I’m so tempted to get discouraged. Because I’m working really hard and it feels like I’m getting nowhere. Well, I take that back. I’m definitely getting somewhere psychologically and emotionally. Lightening the load. Getting clarity. Finding some peace about some things from the past, and straightening out some priorities. It’s hard to stay at peace, though, when the pain takes over. Has this ever happened to you?
 
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Yes, quite normal and a sign your mind is responding and “upping” its safety signals!
I had more symptoms and unbelievable anxiety. If someone looked at me sideways I’d burst into tears and have manic, horrible thoughts about some unsafe things they were “thinking about me”. I recognized what was going on, and began talking to my brain. Telling it “that’s not real, you are safe” - I had to step back from writing quite as much and begin to do more things that too my mind away from TMS. A great example is how your body and mind responded to your trivia game.
You are doing both mental/emotional and physical work -coming at your brain so bravely with all you’ve got… and it’s only doing what it thinks is best.
 
@Cactusflower,
Thank you for this information! And the encouragement.

Cactusflower said:
I had to step back from writing quite as much and begin to do more things that too my mind away from TMS.
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Did you step back from writing temporarily or overall? How much journaling did you do when you stepped back? Can you keep up the journaling if you layer it with fun distractions, like trivia?

Cactusflower said:
You are doing both mental/emotional and physical work -coming at your brain so bravely with all you’ve got… and it’s only doing what it thinks is best.
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How did your brain finally accept you were safe, do you think? Time? I want my TMS brain to stop thinking it knows best!
 
I a tually rarely journal. I kept trying until I saw my EMDR therapist and after a few sessions she asked if journaling helped.. we determined that at that time (and still) it was simply not for me and that’s ok!
I’m simply much better at feeling the feelings and contemplating what might be going on than journaling. When I did journal it was for a few months (then I stopped) at first, then several weeks at another point. If it has been working for you, I don’t recommend you stop, but at some point you can choose to change yo how often you are doing it.
I quit because I felt I’d exhausted topics, and could recognize easily day to day when I recognized old feelings or thought patterns come up and how easily I could see they were not true.. and when I recognized I could see when needed I to journal, or go to therapy or whatever.
My TMS brain still thinks it knows best! I spent at least 55 years with TMS and anxiety symptoms .. and a year and a half of TMS knowledge but still in desperation.. that’s a lot of unlearning to do.
This is exactly why “patience and kindness” is Nichole Sach’s mantra.
At first I gave myself 2 years (because that was about the time it took @TG957 to feel she had won her battle), and funny enough, that’s about the time the mental suffering stopped. I still have pain, lots of mental symptoms (thoughts), sometimes dysautonomia symptoms but that’s just how it is right now.
 
That is quite a journey you’ve taken! I really appreciate you sticking around to help us new people.

I, too, have noticed that my therapy sessions are tackling the same things that journaling can. And I go to them once a week. It all seems to be dovetailing really well with the TMS journaling. And even Al-anon, which I go to almost every day on an app is contributing to the overall TMS work. It’s almost a form of group therapy for abusive childhoods. But it’s actually not group therapy. It’s a 12-step program. It has done me a LOT of good and I started it a year ago. But you are right, I’ve got no mercy for my TMS brain right now! Hammering on it pretty hard. If it thinks I’m going to stuff all this back in the box, it’s wrong!

That’s nice to know you can work things out by just thinking about it. Some other people
have mentioned that, as well @Michael Coutts.

The journaling is really effective for me to try and feel emotions. I still have such a hard time getting in touch with anger, especially. I can feel myself starting to thaw out a little though. I can actually pinpoint the exact feelings of anger in my chest and even in my feet. So that’s progress! Less than a year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what anger actually feels like! Sheesh, my body has been storing an awful lot of it.

Today in therapy, a story came up from when I was 18 that is incredibly rage inducing. I had nearly forgotten all the details of the event. But it’s easily capable of causing PTSD. The human mind is so strong and just tries to help us survive and carry on by hiding this stuff. But at some point, this poison has to come out and be processed and healed. My body is telling the story to me, if I just listen.
 
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Diana-M said:
Because I’m working really hard
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You might be working too hard and/or spending too much time "working on your TMS". Your enthusiasm is wonderful, but I think it can be counterproductive if our lives become all about working on ourselves and our TMS. That sends a constant signal that there is something wrong with us. I think it works best to spend a discrete amount of time (say an hour a day) on reading TMS and doing the treatment techniques, but to be sure to do it consistently every day. Though not to become too rigid that you can't take a day off here and there. Be sure to spend time every day doing things you love that you can become so absorbed in that you forget all about your body and your TMS. In my experience TMS only leaves when we aren't watching it. There comes a time when you realize you haven't felt your symptoms for some time, but you're not sure how long its been.
 
Ellen said:
You might be working too hard and/or spending too much time "working on your TMS". Your enthusiasm is wonderful, but I think it can be counterproductive if our lives become all about working on ourselves and our TMS. That sends a constant signal that there is something wrong with us. I think it works best to spend a discrete amount of time (say an hour a day) on reading TMS and doing the treatment techniques, but to be sure to do it consistently every day. Though not to become too rigid that you can't take a day off here and there. Be sure to spend time every day doing things you love that you can become so absorbed in that you forget all about your body and your TMS. In my experience TMS only leaves when we aren't watching it. There comes a time when you realize you haven't felt your symptoms for some time, but you're not sure how long its been.
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Thank you, @Ellen! Great advice! Yes, I’m sure I’m overdoing it right now.
 
Ellen said:
In my experience TMS only leaves when we aren't watching it. There comes a time when you realize you haven't felt your symptoms for some time, but you're not sure how long its been.
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This is so true. It was true for the big stuff back in 2011 (and in 2020) but it's also true for the little symptoms that I breathe into (this is typically the floating imbalance I get when out and about). Even as I'm taking my deep breaths I'm already moving on to the next thing that I'm doing and I forget to keep it going - but then later I'll realize that the imbalance totally disappeared and didn't return. It's so weird.

What if you gave yourself a journaling break by substituting a quick written check-in instead of sitting down to a lengthy session? You could just list anything significant that you'd like to write down (you could treat this like a list exercise, which you keep in order to write further about something from the list later on) and then ask yourself the two questions: "What's one thing I'm grateful for today? and/or What's one thing I appreciate about myself from today?" Then call it good. It maintains the habit, but gives you a break from the intensity.
 
@JanAtheCPA,
Thanks so much for this advice. (For all of you weighing in.) It means a lot to me. I’ll try your ideas
and hang tight. Try to focus more on fun again. I was doing better on that for awhile. I just gotta get it out of my head that I can force this healing to happen.
 
Ellen said:
You might be working too hard and/or spending too much time "working on your TMS". Your enthusiasm is wonderful, but I think it can be counterproductive if our lives become all about working on ourselves and our TMS. That sends a constant signal that there is something wrong with us. I think it works best to spend a discrete amount of time (say an hour a day) on reading TMS and doing the treatment techniques, but to be sure to do it consistently every day. Though not to become too rigid that you can't take a day off here and there. Be sure to spend time every day doing things you love that you can become so absorbed in that you forget all about your body and your TMS. In my experience TMS only leaves when we aren't watching it. There comes a time when you realize you haven't felt your symptoms for some time, but you're not sure how long its been.
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I agree with this! Great reminder.
 
Diana-M said:
@JanAtheCPA,
Thanks so much for this advice. (For all of you weighing in.) It means a lot to me. I’ll try your ideas
and hang tight. Try to focus more on fun again. I was doing better on that for awhile. I just gotta get it out of my head that I can force this healing to happen.
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Did you see the video I posted of Tanner Murtaugh and his 7 stages for healing. He actually talks about falling back into some old habits at various times in our lives - things that can stall the process (or be part of relapse) - it's very wise and he discusses his own experience with these things.

 
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