Punishment and support

[HealingNow]

I had a big flare yesterday. My pain quality changed though (gone from nerve type to muscle type which is more TMS proof) but it tricked my TMS mind a little and I started to feel fear again (posted recently about finally feeling not scared for a while so TMS brain is working hard here!)

So - I went to the gym, in about 9/10 symptoms but I kept telling myself I’m ok. Nothing is wrong, exercise makes me feel good etc. This is something I avoided before so I think it’s progress.

Whilst I was at the gym, my other half went to therapy.

The whole time I was in the gym I was trying to work out what triggered the flare, after such a good weekend. But this weekend I didn’t go to the gym and I think I subconsciously punished myself for it. I think one of my triggers is boredom, and I think I punish myself for being bored because it’s not productive. I also punish myself for being tired, so much that I force myself not to go to sleep.

I’m kind of just journalling it here because I think it’s good progress to work on trying not to punish myself so harshly for things.

For context, and some of you know by now - I’m 28 and have achieved so many life goals that people praise me heavily for, but I think at the expense of my health. I’m trying to work on balancing the record as pain took over for the last year.

Anyway, long story short, my partner came out of therapy and just said that he’s proud of who I am, not what I’ve achieved - and I sobbed for about 2 hours until I went to sleep and I’ve woken up much freer. I think maybe I need to be proud of who I am.

I have a desperate need to be a good person, but I think that pressure has weighed a bit too heavy on me at the moment. I want to be a good wife to be, good aunt, good daughter, good friend. But in all that, I’ve forgotten to be good to myself.

I really want to find a balance to still be able to push myself without punishment.

In my life, I’ve genuinely achieved everything I could possibly want, very very good career, marrying my fiancé next year, bought my house etc. so much so that i think I’m lost where to go next. I want so badly to just be proud of myself, without the feeling of “but you could have done more”

Does this reflect the TMS personality? Sometimes I doubt myself

 

[Diana-M]

I want so badly to just be proud of myself, without the feeling of “but you could have done more”

Does this reflect the TMS personality?

Yes, it surely does. It’s so sad how we all have this. We drive ourselves into the ground. For me I realized that my achievements were the way that I gave myself external self-esteem—-proof that I’m “good enough.” And the irony is it’s never really possible to feel good enough this way. When I started doing my TMS work I realized that I was going to have to start thinking of myself as valuable, just for existing. I started focusing on that, and I started to get a little relief. I just did it with head talk, reminding myself that I’m valuable in the eyes of God. Thinking how I love other people and I don’t judge what they’ve achieved in order to love them. Things like that. This is silly, but for several months, I daily filled a whole notebook page front and back with “ I love you, Diana.” It almost made me nauseous to write it. But at the same time, it felt really good …and strange. Try just writing that once with your name! Try it! It will make you realize that you hate to tell yourself that. I don’t know the answer to having a core need to be mean to yourself… I’m still working on it. But I do know it’s what’s wrong with me. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you you’re valuable.

 

[Diana-M]

@HealingNow
There’s a really good free course by Alan Gordon on this website called The Pain Recovery Program. There’s a (short) chapter in it that addresses this topic of putting pressure on yourself— https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/day-7-pressure-and-criticism.16512/

 

[Joulegirl]

That's great that you caught yourself from ruminating further and knew it was TMS. I've been doing this 9 months and sometimes my brain still tricks me!

This is definitely a TMS personality trait. We want people to like us and we want to be good. Setting yourself free from that will take some time. I've actually been stewing over it as I see people who set boundaries and don't seem to care what other people think. I'll get there someday-for me it's taking time to unlearn over 30 years of this pattern!