Psychological Symptoms

For the last month or so, I’ve been experiencing some really intense persistent psychological symptoms that I’ve identified as TMS. I’ve been experiencing intense depression, anxiety, and OCD. After battling depression and anxiety for a while, it turned into obsessive compulsive thoughts. I won’t be able to stop thinking about something, or I feel anhedonia, a total lack of pleasure and feeling disconnected from everything I do. It’s hard to explain but when it happens it feels like I’m going insane sometimes. I use to get physical symptoms all the time such as back pain and migraines, but I’ve learned to ignore them pretty well at this point so they’ve mostly gone away. But these psychological symptoms really take my TMS struggle to a whole new level. Because a it’s in my mind, it’s much harder to repudiate the symptoms and disconnect from them. It’s not like back pain where I can point to where it is. It is extremely difficult to disidentify with depression and anxiety and OCD. Unlike the physical symptoms, these psych symptoms legitimately scare the shit out of me - which I know is one of the reasons they won’t go away. But It really feels like I’m being screwed with internally. I’m finding myself constantly analyzing the shit out of everything. For example, if I’m watching a movie or playing a video game I’m constantly wondering to myself “Am I actually enjoying this? Is this pleasurable?” It gets to the point where my thoughts get so carried away they become overwhelming, which usually leads to a vicious cycle of more depression and anxiety AND obsessive thinking all at once.


I’ve used Alan Gordon’s pain recovery techniques to temporarily stop these symptoms the same way I did with my back pain, but it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and the relief is very short lived. Usually, The symptom imperative usually kicks in and the psychological symptoms will turn back into migraines. If I fight those long enough, they simply morph back into depression or anxiety or some obsessive thinking pattern. I can’t stress enough that no matter what I try - feeling my emotions, journaling, doing the pain recovery program, these symptoms are like an unstoppable force - they simply do not want to piss off. And it feels absolutely exhausting to fight this all day - use every technique I have at my disposal , just for momentary relief. I might get to the point where the symptoms are gone or I havn’t noticed them in a couple hours and I think “I’m finally free of this!” Only to be sucked back into a cycle of obsessive thinking once more.


I absolutely hate the idea of going on medication, especially since I know that this is all TMS, but I’m simply not equipped to manage these symptoms on my own. For whatever reason, they just don’t want to go away. Any suggestions?

 

Hi Davideus85,

Your experience sounds upsetting and rather relentless and brutal! I am sorry.

I don't think I can offer anything you're not already doing, but I wanted to lend you some support. To me, the main practices might be to reassure yourself you're OK, tolerate the psychological weirdnesses as best you can, practice witnessing and mindfulness, and engage in simple self-compassion practices. These pieces all work to lessen the fear factor, and lesson the the fueling of things, and I guess you already know this.

Here is my favorite guided self-compassion tape, free, and short, which you might like.

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/self-compassion.break_.mp3

Not sure what outside support you have, but psychotherapy/counseling is probably a good idea. First to feel supported, and second, to get to the bottom of the psychodynamics. What you're describing, the oscillation of symptoms, and psychological symptoms, all in a pretty overwhelming way, seem to be pointing you to going to some deep levels to address. From a distance, your experiences clearly are a "defense mechanisms" so that you're not aware of what does "not want to be felt." Even a non-TMS trained professional --if you can connect your inner work with Alan Gordon's work, Schubiner, Sarno, etc. could be a great companion. This kind of work will take you toward deeper healing, at levels even more fundamental than the symptoms and emotions. This is exciting because more of you can be seen, held, and loved.

In all honesty, most folks can't do more than you're already doing, by themselves alone. I think you're a strong person.

Andy

 

Hi David, I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer you are looking for but I have been in your “place” the odd few times. I liken it to Claire Weekes who said something along the lines of “it’s just a tired brain sending tired messages” and I consciously agree to this. I then tell my brain “OK have a rest, a break, and I am hand balling this over to my inner wisdom, my very own auto pilot’, and feel myself relax because the pressure is off. I wish I could explain it better. Anyway, hope it soothes a little to know there’s a few people who know pretty much exactly how you feel. Hang in there, self sooth, luuuuuvvvve yourself and it will pass. cheers marls

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with going on medication to help with obsessive and ruminating thoughts. I've been on Prozac on and off for many years and it helped me tremendously. It's not magic of course, but it creates that tiny space to help me feel less reactive and more "normal". It can be used as a temporary tool so you can do the work and at least get over the hump. Even Claire Weekes indicated that sometimes a med (or something for sleep) was necessary in the beginning. I agree with Marls...definitely read her book!