Day 18 Ponder: Most Prevalent Emotion in My Journals

[ssxl4000]

ANGER! It's definitely been anger. I should specify. It is really more rage. I have a slew of emotions tied to the whole "not being good enough" thing. I'm afraid I'm not good enough morally, professionally, or in regards to my family. However, I don't think I've repressed those emotions as much over time.

My rage on the other hand...I have always felt extreme anger is primitive and irrational, like a relic from humanity's earlier times. I saw how it made my parents scream and yell and say hurtful things in a handful of really bad fights. So, I always thought I should strive to bury such negative feelings whenever they show up. Now, I'm trying to feel the rage I repressed for about a dozen past events and it is hard! I've always been scared of rage because I don't want to hurt people. Letting it out makes me feel like I'm going to snap.

However, I'm quickly finding its better out than in. Keeping it in has made me act out against people without really noticing it. Letting it out is difficult at first while I'm thinking/writing about it, but then quickly feels better. So, far I have been able to just acknowledge the rage and move on. Hopefully, I can continue.

 

[Bodhigirl]

ANGER! It's definitely been anger. I should specify. It is really more rage. I have a slew of emotions tied to the whole "not being good enough" thing. I'm afraid I'm not good enough morally, professionally, or in regards to my family. However, I don't think I've repressed those emotions as much over time.

My rage on the other hand...I have always felt extreme anger is primitive and irrational, like a relic from humanity's earlier times. I saw how it made my parents scream and yell and say hurtful things in a handful of really bad fights. So, I always thought I should strive to bury such negative feelings whenever they show up. Now, I'm trying to feel the rage I repressed for about a dozen past events and it is hard! I've always been scared of rage because I don't want to hurt people. Letting it out makes me feel like I'm going to snap.

However, I'm quickly finding its better out than in. Keeping it in has made me act out against people without really noticing it. Letting it out is difficult at first while I'm thinking/writing about it, but then quickly feels better. So, far I have been able to just acknowledge the rage and move on. Hopefully, I can continue.

I get it about not wanting rage!
What has helped me over the years is first taking an inventory of all the hurt and angry places. You reference about a dozen events... I would write them all out, expressing the darkest, angriest feelings you can access... read them to a trusted friend, therapist, spiritual adviser and then either burn them or put them into a shoebox (godbox, whatever) and contain them, with compassion toward yourself, toward the people/places/situations you are enraged at.
Hope it helps.
I get it.
Still not immune.
Came on here today, because I find myself obsessed with outside noises. I am at a beautiful spa for the week and I am dialed into what is WRONG instead of all the beauty around me. It's a sort of limbic system hijacking my thoughts and then my neck hurts!
This is a relatively new pain source for me. I never underestimate the power of the unconscious to throw up a symptom or two to distract me from what is really going on.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

So, I always thought I should strive to bury such negative feelings whenever they show up. Now, I'm trying to feel the rage I repressed for about a dozen past events and it is hard! I've always been scared of rage because I don't want to hurt people. Letting it out makes me feel like I'm going to snap.

However, I'm quickly finding its better out than in. Keeping it in has made me act out against people without really noticing it.

Hi ssxl4000,
Wonderful to read your learning, and how you're expressing this in your life!

Part of what causes health issues is the "taking it inward."
Andy B