Please help..

My Story
Hi everyone this is the very first time I've ever been on a forum even though I've read heaps on this forum.. Im in a lot of pain right now so am not sure how much, ill even be able to get out..

Im desperate and need help.. please.. Ive never really asked for help let alone to a whole bunch of strangers but I'm desperate, confused and so sick of pain.. Basically i want to know if i have TMS or not.. some days i think i do then other days I'm thinking am i just nuts?

Heres my story.. Id love to tell it all but will try as pain permits.. Im bawling already.. ok so I'm a 34yr female from Australia 'ABC' and grew up with so much racism.. my pain story started decades ago but really got bad at 29 (2010).. Since i was 7 I've had bad symptom imperatives.. please no judgement i was a runaway, was in a gang for survival, ex drug addict who has seen and experienced a lot of trauma, but always dealt with it.. then turned my life around and got 2 degrees and am a naturopathic doctor.. well was.. I'm a mother of 2 young boys and have been in a 'dysfunctional' relationship.. geez i have no idea why I'm even telling all this I'm getting paranoid people will know who i am already ha! Anyways.. after getting an illegal abortion which i woke up in the middle of the procedure (horrific and my ex made me get it) and experienced many other horrible things i had sharp pain in my scoliosis.. at 19 then sharp intense non stop gastric pain till well now.. after a successful career at 29.. i was in a terrible car accident with my 1yr old at the time and was hospitalised nothing broken but 3 days later i had intense shoulder pain.. I was also in a very toxic relationship (still with the same guy he is great now thanks to Jesus - another story). this was unbearable it radiated all the way down my right arm from my neck to my finger tips was unbearable so i thought until i look back that was a walk in the park compared to my up coming years and the pain didn't leave despite all sort of drugs and therapy till cortisone injections all over my body (i don't know why perhaps i was in lots of pain) i remember coming home leaping with joy.. Till my 30th (2011) oh my i was out with my gf at my favourite place 2.5hrs away.. left my son with my husband (that was hard as he was very abusive to him but i pretend everything was ok of course - please don't judge me i know my poor baby) anyways everything went well.. except at a pub i felt this insane punch and stabbing pain to my back as i was trying to express my repressed anger towards this friend of mine who had hurt me and so i tried to shrug it off thought i was dehydrated got back to the apartment and no strong painkiller would touch the sides i was in agony and I've experienced child birth this was out of this world this lasted for 3days.. then a month later back pain again i was organising her hens and man it got really bad it was so bad i threw up and pain in my tailbone FAROUT believe it or not its still here today 5years later

Im going to try and cut to the chase.. Then the pain came and went always horrible and i got knocked up again.. it was really bad and more pain whole body, intense burning (so much has happened - I'm kneeling now as i type from the pain so i hope i make any sense so sorry) when i had my second child the pain mysteriously disappeared.. (feb) then in april it came back with a vengeance I've now worked it out i worked all the way throughout my pregnancy and then back to work 2weeks after and during a very annoying client who stayed over 2hours my pain came on suddenly once again like a stabbing sharp punch.. I was having horrible pelvic floor pain and dysfucntion (still have it) but this back pain far out i went to drs got drugs etc nothing helped.. had a CT scan and thats when i got my news a HUGE disc protrusion, multiple bulldogs from neck and whole lumbar spine.. I went home in tears in hindsight after reading TMS my pain got worse as a month prior to this i came home from yoga to find my son badly beaten.. my baby was beaten too while he was drunk like i said this was 3years ago and he is a different man.. anyways my tailbone feels like its on fire when i sit.. my legs burn when i stand, feet burns (this came out of no where when these arseholes came and try to cast out evil demons out of me and tied me up for 16hours - dickheads) when i eat certain things can't walk, back kills.. its now nearly 2016 I've spent what seems like forever in my bed in tears in utter pain.. everyone thinks I'm making it up and on soooooooo many other things this was how it was till last year when on top of all this i developed this f'd up food intolerance tO EVERYTHING ended up in hospital with what they thought was anorexia (seriously!) and now I'm sooooo exhausted to the point where some days i can barely breathe.. I know i sound really sick but who can really be this sick my blood pressure is so low constantly and I'm so over it.. Im strong and want to kick this in the butt but i need to know does this remotely sound like tms at all? please I'm desperate and once again i apologise for such a long post and for such a depressing story and i left out the best parts of my life ha! but even as i write it I'm ok very detached... love and peace to you all thank you so much.. i hope i made sense I'm just in pain and hope to find some light.. God bless.

 

Your story is sad and honest, and you are very brave writing it out. You are a survivor. I am not a doctor, but your symptoms sound like TMS to me. You said you have read a lot on the forum, have you tried doing one of the programs here, like the Alan Gordon one?

You said you left the best bits out of your life story...why not try writing them down...this exercise will help your brain to use/rediscover pathways to help you feel better. Happy thoughts produce good brain chemicals. Gratitude is so simple to do, but we often resist it.

Remember to be kind to yourself. If you haven't read any books on TMS healing yet, The Mindbody Prescription by Dr Sarno, may be a good one to start with.

 

Thank you so much. So kind of you to reply I'm truly touched. Writing it down can be hard due to 1.the pain and second of all they are such painful memories I rather forget them. Wow I've just realised is that repression? I have tried doing the program but as soon as I start I think man is this for real like I feel silly and then my naturopathic brain kicks in saying no it's candida or my adrenal exhaustion or my Chinese medicine diagnosis kicks in and it's like I have this insane dialogue in my head with its not tms then no it's all purely physical but always in a a harsh tone. Yes it was brave of me thank you I finally had it and was like you what I'm going to put it out there coz the yes I have tms no I don't was really killing me for eg can tms really give you signs like candida or dark circles under your eyes loose heaps of weight. Etc I'm so over it can't sit, stand or lie any position for long it's ridiculous. Been like this for years never imagine life could get this hard and I been through the school of hard knocks! Being kind to myself.. That's a start and foreign so how? Like where to start. I will go look at the program again and wish there was a tms dr around my area. I did the schetner quiz and I got 100% tms but that's all I have to go from thank you again.

 

Hi Missy,

First and foremost welcome to the Forum and know that you are in a safe place. We have all had quite different life experiences, but we all have the ultimate goal of healing.

Your post is an extremely bold and an honest one, please don't feel that we are here to judge you in anyway. In fact your honesty is admirable, anyone who recognises their imperfections and makes huge changes to overcome their adversity has my utmost support and respect. Please know that the strongest of people can feel vulnerable and weak - it's fine to ask for help.

If I were you, I'd continue exploring the conventional route and carry on eliminating any underlying conditions. However, having read your history and your symptoms , I believe it could well be TMS. TMS / Mind body disorders have the ability to manifest in many shapes and forms and distract you from your emotional issues.

That said, if you feel you do need the support and encouragement of a TMS specialist, there are those who offer this via Skype.

I think a huge obstacle in overcoming any illness is to overcome fear, sadness, the feeling of desperation etc. If one becomes better at learning to change their relationship with self and the environment, healing can be possible.

If I were you, I'd continue with the TMS and Mind Body work, it certainly can improve the overall outcone of your health, regardles of whether it's TMS or an illnesses of a more serious nature. I'd also recommend that you look into mindfulness and loving kindness meditation, these can have a significant impact on ones well being and overcoming fear, anger, sadness etc. By practicing mindfullness it gives you the ability to be aware of thought and not respond or react, the more often you do this, the greater the seperation will be between you and the damaging thought.

We have all encountered difficulties when journalling, it's by no means an easy task uncovering unpleasant memories, but it's hugely important in understanding you. What your personality traits and behaviourism are and how these patterns of thought are effecting you in the present moment.

I'm sorry to ramble on lol but hopefully this will give you something to digest.

Please remember, you are not alone and we are all here to provide you with support and guidance. Above all, remember to be loving, kind and compassionate to yourself. It's not an easy journey, but it will help you build a closer relationship with yourself and heal. We are what we think.

God bless

 

Missy, there is a TMS guy in Lismore, N.S.W., Dr James Alexander, who may be able to help you. He might do Skype calls. He has written posts on this forum, you may like to read some, to see if his approach to healing suits you.

 

Yes indeed, that's repression. You've been through a lot of trauma. You sound like a tough, brave person who tries to do right by people. You've gotten overwhelmed by it all.

These doubts are TMS at work. They keep you from focusing on all that sadness.

Given what you've been through, my suggestion is to look for help and support wherever you can find it -- this forum, doctors and therapists (especially if they have TMS training), books and programs on TMS, and trustworthy friends and family (not those who are sources of conflict). You can get better with time and persistence.

Let us know how you're doing.

David.

 

Thank you all so much

Dear Mike: thank you for all your advice totally helps and not rambling at all I really really appreciate. Dwelling on all that sadness and there's so much that's happened only makes me more down and what I'm confused about is that science has shown that negative emotions causes negative pain but I get it. It's about understanding myself Mindfulness especially the loving kindness meditation sounds any pointers where to start?

Zumbafan: thanks for that. The problem with psychologist I guess is that by law they can use any thing you say against you and I've been bitten hard by this in the past and it has really really scarred me nevertheless thank you I will look into it. I mean it be nice if I could go to someone to help me with all my crap without it coming back to bite me it's just not fair.

David: haha yeh last night when I was reading my story I was like whoa and that's just a fraction of what I've been through I've always thought to myself seriously get over it everyone goes through tough times stop being a victim and in the past that has gotten me through but perhaps it's caught up to me the past few years. You are so right I'm always trying to do what's right Another thing is I'm in total denial my husband is still an arse and I live in constant fear if my kids gonna be ok would love to leave but hes my carer and does everything and the kids and I couldn't do it and would rather die than see my kids in the system a total catch 22 actually my whole life seems like a dead end. Paranoia setting in bout me sharing to much but it's been so good getting feedback. And do you really think it's tms? Like when I lay on my sacrum it's so painful and I get red marking. I had no idea what a basket case I was.

You guys are sooooo supportive and kind thank you for you kindness. Where to start of with journaling? Like do I pick a horrible memory and relive it? Sounds horrible.

 

Hi Missy,

If I were you I'd purchase one of Dr Sarnos book and familiarise yourself with TMS.

Once you've read and digested the information you could either commence the SEP or Alan Gordons program.

Both program include the TMS healing modalities of journalling and meditation. You will be required to explore past and current stressors as part of these programs.

I understand this all seems alot of work, so please don't feel as if you should rush through the material. Take time to absorb, reflect and change. TMS is a lifetime of doing and not something that can be undone overnight.

Best regards

 

Get to a dr get a full work over and get on some pain meds and dont say they dont work there are meds that can take away everything until your body desensatizes and u can calm yourself down where u can think clearly and start your journey there is no reason to suffer with so much discormfort . Please take care of yourself

 

It's not supposed to be that way. By law and by good therapeutic practice, any therapist you go to is supposed to keep what you say confidential. The only exception is if you are threatening immediate harm to someone. Otherwise, if a therapist used what you told them in a session against you in any way, that's a major breach of ethics and probably a crime.

 

Thanks mike I have read healing back pain it's how I found this forum and thank you David well yes when I'm really down I say I want to kill my self then that's their ticket thank you I'm journaling today will have to go back to the book and follow. I agree Boston redsox but Ha have had the full works and been on pain meds till I was addicted on them then the dr said impossible yet I went through some crazy withdrawals I was even given a government lifetime script for morphine. Seriously drugs aren't the answer yes they work for 3hrs and then lowers your pain threshold it's an evil vicious cycle. And new problems occur I have enough to deal with. Hence why I'm here. Once again thank you all for your kindness I just going to keep moving forward just wish I had the definitive I have tms or not.. It seems it all or nothing which is a paradox

 

I'm not sure if it's a crime. But with the near fatal car accident I had during the court cases they were able to use everything and anything from my past which were totally confidential against me. Could you imagine if they ever wanted to take my kids away it would be too easy. They can use any information and twist it against you. It is after all the government we're talking about they can do anything.

 

Hi, Missy, the reply you got from David is excellent and ought to relieve your mind that what you talk about to a doctor or psychiatrist is confidential.
They probably put it out of their mind anyway. They have to do what a journalism professor told our class once, "A reporter has to assume an attitude
of detached studiousness." I found that to be good advice when I covered tragic events for the Chicago Tribune. I left the bad news at the scenes of the crimes and didn't take them home with me. But covering court cases I also found that trials can sometimes be unfair.

 

Thanks Walt that is very comforting. And guess what I'm reading your book on kindle! I just wanted to thank everyone again. I started journaling and wow!! I've uncovered so much already and I can't believe it am improving I'm improving! Still not sure if it's 100% tms I mean can we have a mixture of tms plus real physiological stuff? Sooooo amazing this journaling thank you. I even ordered a coda 12 step program