Day 6 Physiological understanding - doubts

[Sarah79]

Okay, so today I watched the video that explained more about the physiological way in which TMS manifests itself, and so I want to just air my own 'doubts,' as I see them, although I face these down every day.

I went to see an expert podiatrist in my local area; prodded and pushed and did a 'Tinel's test,' to check for tarsal tunnel syndrome (with which I was later diagnosed). He said, 'I have no idea what this is.' He did tell me, as I remember in hindsight, to keep on walking as I wouldn't do any damage, and to ignore the pain. Maybe he guessed what it was but didn't like to posit.

I went to see another podiatrist. She did the tuning fork test to check for stress fractures, got me to stand on tip-toe, various things. Same conclusion - 'bit strange,' she said.

I had two x-rays, convinced I had something called a 'Jones fracture.' Nothing showed up on either.

I went for an ultrasound. Absolutely nothing appeared, despite me saying, 'it hurts here,' - he put the device on it, 'nothing,' he'd say, 'and here,' and so he'd do it again and nothing, 'and all up here.' Nothing. I left in tears.

Then, in January, I went and saw another podiatrist who diagnosed me with about six different things, all of which she got from prodding and pressing and me standing on tip-toe and her flexing the foot at the ankle and noticing muscle stiffness.

So, no imaging test has ever showed a thing structurally wrong with my foot. I then felt huge relief and joy when I was 'diagnosed' because I felt that finally someone had validated all that I'd gone through the past year, but the stretching and the exercises which I did for about eight weeks did absolutely nothing. I went back and even she said, 'that's a bit strange,' before repeating her advice to continue with it all, plus a pair of orthotics which still didn't do anything. So, I now take heart from the initial, 'can't find a thing / how weird,' experiences I had, but am now struggling to reverse the feelings I had when someone did say, 'you've got this, this, this, this and this.'

Part of me still wants to push for an MRI, just to 'be sure.'

As I work through the SEP, I can see I have repressed anger and I tend to intellectualise and answer with thoughts, rather than feelings. I remember after my dad died that I decided not to cry because if I did, I wouldn't stop. I lose my rag at drivers who cut me up, members of the public, people on telly. I can have quite disproportionately upset reactions to things - I took the bumper off my car a few weeks ago and rather than go, 'oh well,' I absolutely lost it, virtually screaming in the face of someone walking past who made a quip. The anger, when it's allowed a shot at legitimate expression, comes shooting out like lava. I can see I fear change and moving on; I panic when people move away, when things end or evolve into something else. There's a big thing about change and progress and the 'security' I get from making no progress within my own life. So, I can see that there are some very relevant emotional issues going on. I don't deal in feelings, remain largely numb and deal in punchlines, sarcasm and intellectualisation more than emotion. I also have a huge problem with saying no and tend to feel responsible for the sadness and misfortune of those around me, sometimes walking on eggshells to try to 'make things better.' So, you know, a big part of me really does believe this is TMS!

The only thing I feel could be structural is functional hallux limitus, which is proving the more overriding pain in this all. That is something involving joints and bones.

Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Sarah. I don't think you need an MRI but you seem to think you have to have it so you can totally convince yourself nothing is structurally wrong with you. It is essential in TMS Mindbody healing to believe 100 percent that your symptoms are from repressed emotions and/or a perfectionist or "goodist" personality, wanting to please everyone too much. I hope you won't see anymore podiatrists. You have a lot of anger in you and that sure looks like TMS to me.

You mention some stressful emotions going back to your father's death, and losing other people for one reason or another. Your TMS seems to involve suppressing loss of one kind or another.

Keep doing the SEProgram and the journaling and you will discover the reasons for your anger which Dr. Sarno says builds into internal rage. You are going to heal and be a healthier and happier person than you ever imagined. Believe it!

 

[Sarah79]

Hi Walt,

Thanks for your lovely and insightful reply.

There are absolute reasons why I have a lot of anger, and I've detailed more about those in another thread I started writing a few days ago about in the general forum. I stammer, and since childhood, have been told, 'not to take your anger out on other people,' but, of course, I was never given a sufficient route through which to channel it otherwise. Having a stammer, which is not really always respected as a disability, or taken seriously, has led to a lot of 'lost life,' - things I never did, places I never went, opportunities I was too fearful to take. I think there's anger about my hiding from life. I did cry over my dad's death, but I do also remember this overwhelming fear about never stopping crying, and that cauterised it sometimes for me.

I'm sticking with the journalling and the SEP, but MRI is already requested, so we'll see. But these past few days have been very hard for me and I've had some really helpful replies on here, from you included, so feel a bit more 'settled' with regards TMS. I also read the rheumatologist's chapter in 'The Divided Mind,' and when she was talking about the typical TMS patient, I recognised it all in me. I read that chapter nodding my head throughout - more to digest and read - and understand

Thanks

Sarah

 

[EileenS]

I remember after my dad died that I decided not to cry because if I did, I wouldn't stop.

Hi Sarah, My father died suddenly when I was 20, which is 40 years ago now, but I remember well what I went through. I did cry and cry and cry once the initial shock wore off. And I did stop crying. Sometimes I will still tear up over something that reminds me of Daddy and I let the tears come, but they are sentimental tears now, like chick flick tears. I remember I also was very afraid of people leaving me like you are and a friend who's husband died had a really difficult time with this fear. I would strongly suggest that you talk to a councellor/psychologist as in hindsight, I should have after my father's death. It's a difficult time to go alone.
Given how hard you had to hunt for someone to tell you something might be wrong with your toe, I really think you toe is tms.