Day 19 Personality trait: Stoic

[Pia]

I wrote about the stoic part of my personality today and had some insights. When I was a child and when I was young, I was intense - I still am, at least on the inside . I had - still have - a lot of opinions, a good brain, learn easily and love a good debate based on facts. In the past people often thought that I wanted to be right. This was never true, I just like to get to the bottom of things, explore every corner, no stones unturned and I guess people felt overwhelmed and maybe inferior (which is odd, because I always see people as more clever than me....)
I often felt ridiculed, I was "too much", "easy now" is a phrase I remember, hidden smiles and so on. I'm sure that my childhood issues caused a lot of energy in me which came out as intense communication - and I just started shutting down as I felt that my communication was a problem. Up til then I did have pain issues and some depression, but after shutting down and engaging in "never say too much, never be intense, never too clever, always smile and be gentle" it went downhill...
I married again (my children's father died) and the new family was very inhibited - no feelings, as in nooooo feelings. I get a headache just thinking about it... I got more and more pain, more and more depressed... I had shut down entirely. Now, I have been on my own for the last five years and I started experiencing less pain already the day after the final decision on divorce even though it wasn't my choice to split up. Within 1½ years I was able to walk again (before that I was in a wheel chair), a year after that I no longer needed my lumbar belt, today I'm able to clean my house - and so it continues. I still have pain issues and depression issues (which appears to be anxiety!!) but I'm getting there! I really am!
Stoic is helpful in life's hardest moments when you just need to carry on no matter what, but in everyday-life it's just not good. For me this TMS process is about feeling my feelings, relearning to be me - 40 years of suppression is over!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Pia,

What a wonderful observation about the way you treated yourself in the company of others, and how this has changed, with the resulting improvements in health. Remarkable.

Stoic is helpful in life's hardest moments when you just need to carry on no matter what, but in everyday-life it's just not good. For me this TMS process is about feeling my feelings, relearning to be me - 40 years of suppression is over!

Yes, we learned how to 'survive' in our families, to stay in the "field of love," but this does not satisfy us. There are inner conflicts and tensions.... Good luck in your continuing journey.

Andy B

 

[Eden]

Your post about stoicism really resonated with me. I have always considered it to be one of my best qualities but now I am wondering if it's contributing to my TMS because whenever I get sad about how I am feeling I tell myself there are people out there who have things much worse and I should be grateful for everything I have and not dwell on my sadness. I like your comment about "feeling my feelings", I am going to be working on this too. I tend to acknowledge my feelings from a logical place rather than just feeling them. Thank you for sharing and best of luck in your recovery.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, all. One of my best friends was a stoic and if it wasn't hard on him (I couldn't tell), it was sure hard on his wife and probably their four kids.

I follow Eden's formula and when I think I have pain or problems, I think about those whose pain and problems are a lot worse than mine. I don't know if that makes me feel any better. Maybe it does, because I always pray for those people and hope that does them some good.

Happy Holidays to you all.