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parents of little ones?!?!??!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Stevielawrence, Feb 14, 2021.

  1. Stevielawrence

    Stevielawrence Peer Supporter

    I just need to vent that motherhood is absolutely wretched at times. I have a 2.5 year old madman living with me, and my pain and symptoms can be so stubborn and relentless. I have to remember to think psychological. And what my psyche is saying is that parenthood often sucks! What makes it worse is that everyone around me (family mostly) seems to subscribe to the denying emotion-fearing madness that parenthood is just wonderful and kids are nothing but cute, or they don't dare admit the darker emotions that come up around this life stage. My son happens to be extremely cute lol, so everyone thinks that makes his epic sociopathic toddler behavior acceptable! Beauty is only skin deep! I remember Nicole Sachs saying in her book that writing down that she hated her children set her free. I so relate to that. I think all parents must relate to that, many are just afraid to be honest about those feelings. It's fascinating - even as I write this, I am afraid that by saying "I sometimes hate my toddler," I am going to be scolded on this forum, told I'm being a bad parent or that I am going to negatively affect my toddler. That voice in my head is so strong, and I project it onto the world! But I really do hate this toddler phase so much and I can't imagine having another freaking child, even though society says having one kid isn't enough! I hate society! lol.

    the added piece too, of wanting to be a loving mother, and really trying to be, especially because so much of my childhood was really hard emotionally and my parents struggled to be supportive. And the added piece of wanting a connection with my son, that is sometimes there and is sometimes not. He's never been a snuggly kid - just wants to play play play. Very independent.

    My little boy is also a late talker, so we're working on that. So much anxiety and fear comes up around that, also shame, even though he has been cleared of having any other Big issues. There is just so much pressure and fear around motherhood and doing it perfectly. I am scared of screwing him up. And my critical/fearful mind just will not relent in terms of raising him. Guilt if I let him watch TV, guilt and fear that it's my fault that he is behind in his expressive speech, guilt about everything. Also, absolute rage at the weather in Chicago (I am originally from LA) and being so cooped up right now. I guess I am wondering if any other parents/mothers on here can relate. And some words of encouragement. Feels good to express. Thanks!
    AMarie likes this.
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Stevielawrence,

    I am not a parent, but taught school for many years. I wanted to address though that I understand much of what you're talking about, and feeling.

    My overall feedback is to applaud that you're allowing the rage, allowing your awareness to grasp this, and I want to recognize the work you're doing to make your feelings OK. Its all natural. I suffer when I don't make space for some of the things you're feeling, some of the rage.

    And my overall encouragement is to read Byron Brown's Soul Without Shame which is a deep exploration of the Inner Critic, how it tones our lives, and how to work more skillfully with it.

    All of this on one side in you, this superego activity, making you wrong for your feelings, rejecting you, suppressing your rage. And on the other side, so much worthy rage at your son, and even more perhaps at the self-inflicted pressure and perfectionism. This is a form of deep "Tension" that Dr. Sarno speaks of.

    Your rage can be channeled at the Inner Critic. This can be freeing. Not that you don't feel rage at your child too; that's OK. But the battle which you describe is correct and righteous and I have to say, you put it so well. In places I am laughing. I think laughing can really help too, and I suppose you know that already!

    So my deep encouragement is to rage on, allow yourself to not agree with the other parents, feel your feelings safely without acting them out on your son, and defend against your Inner Critic that "I'm a good enough Mom for me, so F--k Off!"

    Balsa11 and Stevielawrence like this.
  3. grapefruit

    grapefruit Peer Supporter

    Yeah I ended up realizing that feeling tied down by my kids had partly contributed to my TMS. I was homeschooling my kids and had no car, so I felt totally cooped up. This happened at the exact time my friend was traveling the world.... I had no idea all these things were combining to make an unthinkable internal combustion until Sarno! Then I journaled everything and was really honest and that helped a lot. But what also really helped was that when I opened up to my husband, he bought me my own car! He was so sympathetic and it was such a simple solution that meant so much. So is there any action you can take to give yourself a little more independence? A babysitter so you can go out or something? Drop the rambunctious toddler off at grandma's once a week? See how they like it? lol
    Balsa11 and Stevielawrence like this.
  4. Beawake

    Beawake New Member

    hi and im soooo glad you posted!! i feel all that, i have a 21 month old boy and i want to scream every day, i want my freedom, i adore him, he bores me, i love him, he gets on my tits!!! hes amazing, my life is boring >>>>

    your not alone in how you feel, trying to heal with a kid is hardddddd, my boy is so independent too and i struggle to play with him, i can but i dont want to, its boring!! i want o as i love him but when i do i get more anxiety...... needy little buggers

    if youd like to have a buddy let me know xx
    Balsa11 and Stevielawrence like this.
  5. Stevielawrence

    Stevielawrence Peer Supporter

    Andy thank you! This all rings so true and is so so helpful. The big roadblock for me is definitely this inner critic that is so freaking relentless and tying me up in knots, literally! Just leave me alone and let me feel this! I am obviously not going to hurt my child. But god do I need the space to feel the rage without the critic being like hey no don't do that bad bad do this don't feel that or think that blah blah blah on it goes. Your post really helped me. I am going to check out the book, too.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  6. Stevielawrence

    Stevielawrence Peer Supporter

    Absolutely. We are already in the process of getting him in "pre pre-school" and just letting him watch TV if he refuses to nap, because the alternative is going insane lol. And there is some more support coming down the road. The logistics of help are so important. But what really gets to me is the FEAR. I have such intense fear of something being "wrong" with my son and that it's my fault. Even though we are getting him the support he needs and have done mostly everything we can do to help him at this juncture, I still feel fear and guilt and anger because I just don't like the way things are! But I also trust, this too shall pass. It's a season of difficulty. Not a lifetime.
    AMarie and Balsa11 like this.
  7. Stevielawrence

    Stevielawrence Peer Supporter

    Relate to every single word. Thank you for replying. It is sometimes so incredibly boring. Or stressful. Or annoying. Or scary. it's just so so much. And I totally miss my freedom. My favorite thing in life is to be alone with a book. Having a small child is the opposite of that lol. Would love to talk more.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  8. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Maybe they can feel a little bit of the emotional tension too. I think getting support here as well as outside help so it's easier to relax would make it easier both for the parents and the kids.
  9. Beawake

    Beawake New Member

    my email is bugbugtoby@yahoo.co.uk or BeccaFreeman on FB

    my child watches so much tv which i hate but what choices do we have atm!! i have guilt that im not more fun for him, it breaks my heart as i cry every day and he will come hug me and he just has that instinct to care for me, an angel! and not even 2 yet.
    msg me anytime xx
    Stevielawrence likes this.
  10. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    My first was an 'early' talker and now he is stoic and quiet in adulthood. My second was a 'late talker' and we worried that he might be slow...now I'll give you 20 bucks to learn how to shut him up?! (LOL)
    It's funny that we think this way, seeing as once someone reaches adulthood we tend to expect them to be accountable for their own actions, words,etc.

    I got TMS free long before my sons were adults. Trying to be super-dad was definitely at the root of a lot of it, but I didn't have to 'change'... I just had to acknowledge all of the pressures your acknowledging here. The fact that you can even post what you posted signals sufficient awareness of the unconscious anger to say 'F it' and move forward

    and in spite of all I could do to screw them up, my sons have turned into fine, way-better-than-I-ever-was adults and we are still close as they approach their thirties .They have lives and homes and partners and jobs outside my sphere of influence.

    Ultimately, it is the role of 'parenthood' that is the fiction. They belong to God. I was/am just born first.
    Jeather and Stevielawrence like this.
  11. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    This thread is a relatable and helpful example.

    https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tired-of-it-all.24015/#post-124398 (Tired of it all)
    Stevielawrence likes this.
  12. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    Yip I see myself in every bit of your post. My wife left me when kids were 5 and 3 two little girls three years ago. I have 50 per cent custody and do all my own childcare whilst still trying to work. Homeschooling both too just now. I’m completely and utterly exhausted with it. I brought each of them up since they were 1 and she went back to work. I broke myself trying to be super dad. My inner self prob resents every second however I love them so much I couldn’t see it was causing me to get so down abs anxiety was through the freeking roof. I have aching lower back pain and hot feet and I wonder why? I guess I should have known. I now trying to slow every thing down to recover but it’s not easy at all.
  13. tb_player

    tb_player New Member

    Thank you so much for posting this. I don't have much to add, but can absolutely relate to all that you wrote, especially the part about feeling hate/resentment and not wanting to express it. Or not knowing how to express it without feeling like a bad parent or a bad person. I feel that on a near daily basis with our 4 and 6 year old. Usually it's just for short moments, but sometimes I feel like I want to just hop in the car and drive far, far away, leaving it all behind. I know that wouldn't really accomplish much though, ha! I also feel resentment, at times, towards my wife when our parenting styles clash and I'm left feeling like my instincts aren't valid because she's a licensed therapist and seemingly knows better. All of that is made worse when my TMS pain is present and the emotional baggage I'm already carrying is further overloaded by family responsibilities and stress. I'm dealing with it today, in fact, and have convinced myself that the TMS flare-up in my wrist is because I picked up and carried my daughter for several minutes through a forest the other day. It's likely not even related, but those are the stories I tell myself and that lead me to further resent my family. It's just this never-ending cycle of pain and _______. And I fill in the blank with anger, resentment, shame, self-hatred, etc. Whatever has me emotionally spun up on a particular day is often enough to bring pain right along with it.

    And yet, on days when my pain is not bad and I've been able to emotionally calm myself, things don't feel nearly as bad. Suddenly, I have enough energy to give to my family and to even play boring cars with my kids without complaint. So, I know those days are at least possible and that's what keeps me going. There's always going to be hard days, but I feel that if I can sort myself out and get a bit more understanding of my emotions and my unconscious, I won't feel quite so much resentment.

    Also, I hear you on the weather stressors. I grew up in southern California as well and am now living in the rainy (currently snowy) Northwest. Perhaps not as severe as Chicago weather, but very much a trigger and object of resentment for me. Thanks again for writing and best of luck as you continue to brave the toddler years against your will.
    Stevielawrence and Balsa11 like this.
  14. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    TB I feel your pain. I brought up my kids while my wife went back to work. She is a doctor n thought she knew everything n dictated lists of what to do. Two kids under 5 yeah right! It was anything goes at times. However trying to do the right things for three years nearly broke me. My wife’s values n ideas about kids were completely at odds with mine and I just kept taking a back seat. Looking back now didn’t need to concern about any of it. We split up over it and the kids are very healthy n happy now. I have a Legacy of chronic pain and these issues were a major part. Look after your own health first cause they’re no good without you!
    backhand likes this.
  15. Tms_joe

    Tms_joe Well known member

    Imagine how great life is going to be when you have the confidence to make the decisions you feel are right for you and your family without caring what society and other family has to say about it.

    We get the life experiences we need for our betterment. That doesn't mean we'll exercise our free will to take advantage, but we can try. Children are mirrors of ourselves. I'll bet the tactics used to tame his emotions that DON'T work well would not work so well on you either. So if you find a way to apply compassion to your child versus anger, fear, sadness, etc, you will have found methods to soothe your mind as well. Many of us are carrying on the parenting techniques our parents taught us without any awareness. All of that needs to be examined and some usually thrown out.
    backhand likes this.
  16. Stevielawrence

    Stevielawrence Peer Supporter

    I really appreciate the others who contributed to this post about their own experiences navigating parenthood and being honest about how emotionally painful it can be at times and a contributor to physical symptoms. There is just something profound about hearing others say, "I relate 100%, thank you for being honest." Such a different quality than hearing, "oh look on the bright side, oh try this try that, oh that is too much to feel, there is something wrong with you," etc. My mother is the quintessential type who views all negative feelings as a choice and a bad choice at that, so let's be positive! Just doesn't work for me. I absolutely believe in eventually getting to looking on the bright side, gratitude, making logistical changes that lead to better circumstances, shifting away from an immensely dark mindset, and all the tools that help you get there, but in the moment there is such connection and warmth and relief in saying how much it all hurts and having someone fully listen, empathize, and be there with you in that. And really feel it! I am crying as I type this.

    I just reached out to a good friend who also has young kids and told her how hard things have been. The first thing she said was, "um yeah it can be so miserable! I think I am being weak when I feel that way - so nice to know I am not alone." And that is it right there - knowing we are not alone in these big seemingly terrifying feelings of anger, rage, hopelessness and despair. They are just passing feelings, but getting to express them safely is really important for someone like me, who has the relentless inner critic telling me to feel differently. Anyway, to all my fellow parents who sometimes feel overwhelmed and trapped and angry and scared, I see you, and I love you.
    miffybunny likes this.
  17. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    I think that a lot of aspects of motherhood are glamorized and there is a stigma about expressing anything negative. Even the way pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum, are usually portrayed in the movies and tv (and super annoying celebrities like Heelllarria Baldwin with her post baby yoga bod and the 6 nannies lol), is such a far cry from reality imo. FB is super fake too because people love to post the highlight reel but no one sees the struggles. Some women have hellish pregnancies and my own childbirth was straight out of a horror movie. No one ever talks about the reality of children with special needs or serious health problems. I also remember the day when both my kids were babies and toddlers, were incredibly exhausting and isolating. My days were loooong...park after park, meal after meal, nap after nap, endless diapers...punctuated by an occasional ice cream truck and overhearing other moms talk about potty training and sippy cups that didn't leak lol. The sheer monotony and loneliness weighed on me at times. Then there were the days of play dates that made me wish I was a 70's mom (kids just went outside and your mom had no idea where you were all day) or when you have to deal with school bullying and crappy school administrators. I would say though, that these stages are temporary though. Things do get easier. In my case not so much, because my younger one is severely autistic and will never talk or grow up. I have been able to reframe it though. I accept things more and see the joy more than I used to. And when I feel "negative" emotions like resentment or grief, I allow myself to feel them.
    backhand and Stevielawrence like this.
  18. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Stevielawrence, you put this so well. How nice to feel this warmth of your own understanding, when you feel understood by others. I wish you more and more of this good joo-joo! I agree with you that then the real love and positivity can come, but not really before. I think the Inner Critic work, and learning to companion yourself in your suffering will take you a long way.
    Jeather and Stevielawrence like this.
  19. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    hi I just dropped my kids off at school for the first time since November. Re my prev post I do all my childcare so homeschooling is at an end. Just getting that 6 hour day break has felt like lead being taken off my body.

    The endless winter weather n homeschooling sucked for my TMS. Despite being in pain for days I stood talking to another dad at the gates n his company are furloughed. He opened up to how mentally frustrated he was teaching his 5 year old whom he believes is dyslexic. I was able to reassure him I had the exact same thoughts as my kid was just not getting it.

    But it was just the environment n our skills at not being able to teach a 5 year old maths. I mean 10 - 1 how hard can it be? Very hard when you get so anxious n your kid notices it and gets scared and just can’t think to answer.
    Turns out several parents were feeling exact same. Nuts.

    anyway the reason I post is while talking to him for 15 mins I never noticed not even 1 pain or twinge. The sun was shining I was feeling relieved and I noticed despite constant burning feet n back pain that not once did I feel it while talking to him. All the evidence I needed again to remind me it has to be TMS.

    miffybunny I read your post about bringing up kids and Jesus it just reminds me of how stressful n lonely all that was. Being a dad as well was kinda isolated because it did just tend to be mums groups and I used to come away from these group things feeling even worse! but your right it passes. But it so resonated where a lot of my emotions are prob stored so thanks for posting.
    Stevielawrence likes this.
  20. DaleP

    DaleP New Member

    Stevielawrence I feel you!!! My kids are older now (10, 8, and 5) but omg those two-year-olds are insane people! It's so, so challenging raising a toddler. I admire your honesty being able to say that you sometimes hate your kid. I have been homeschooling my kids for the past five years (yes, pre-pandemic lol!) and so that means I am with them ALL. THE. TIME. I love these tiny crazy people so much but sometimes I definitely hate their guts. And I pretty much credit them exclusively with causing my TMS, which even that feels horrible to say. I still have a long way to go in my healing (I only discovered TMS about a month ago, and this is my first forum post!) but it's good to know there are other moms (and dads!) out there going through this too.
    Stevielawrence and jimmylaw9 like this.

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