Pain Returns

I admit I am making immense progress, but the two times the pain hass noticably reduced, it always comes back stronger than ever. I am almost losing the will to live, but I know this is the right way to go. I have been going to therapy most weeks of the last 6-7 months, except for the couple of weeks when my dad died in December.

My anger is maybe at the condition that from the outset seemed to be simple and straightforward to 'fix' as I have a lot of anger towards my mother for my horrible childhood I had to endure.

The two successes I have had involved talking about how angry I was about her bullying me for most of the last 30 years (I recently turned 38). I had another minor success last night after writing some short words about various things, although I don't know for sure which bit actually did the trick.

My problem is that I can get the pain to reduce, but it always comes back within a few hours.

Could it be that I am simply angry at the complexity of the condition?? Surely not.

 

Hi, NIclubber. I think your pain is from not being able to resolve your anger with your mother.
I never realized how much anger I was repressing most of my life (I'm 84) because my parents
divorced when I was seven. It left me with strong feelings of abandonment and insecurity.

If your mother has been bullying you since you were a child, do some journaling to try to understand why.
She must have and may still have TMS of her own. Something perhaps from her girlhood is causing her to be angry
or judgmental and she may be taking it out on you.

In journaling, I came to realize my mother and father had many reasons to have pain from TMS.
Mom had migraine headaches and even suicidal tendencies. Dad had real bad back pain and drank to get relief.
Both were bad gamblers and most often lost, dad at poker and mom at playing the horses.

In learning more about my parents I was able to forgive them, and that caused my back pain to go away.

You may not be able to forgive your mother. If not, pray for her. Ask God to give her peace,
and you will find peace. That can relieve you of your pain. I pray for those I can't forgive. It really helps.

 

Journaling seems to be a prerequisite. I don't particularly enjoy it and have found a lot of resistance to it but I try to persevere.
I've had a few days almost pain free, from being in horrendous pain for 6 years and not even having a day without pain.
It's hard to believe but when you achieve some progress or breakthroughs it underlines faith in the diagnosis.
My mind always falls back when I experience pain that I've been taken for the fool once again buying into the TMS concept. This isn't helped by family&friends not understanding even remotely because they haven't lived the pain experience.

 

Hi NIClubber,

I wonder, based on my own inner structure which has a very strong Superego, that there might be a way that you don't really allow your anger at your mother. In other words, as the anger arrises, there is a stricture that also arrises, because the anger may be threatening to your long-known sense of self as "not angry." The part of you that accepted the bullying for so many years will not go quietly into anger, no matter how justified the anger is.

The times you got relief were perhaps when you "blew through" the Superego, and really felt the anger fully, without any reservation. In that anger is real pure life force. Life force that has discernment about the inner life (like what is you and what is the Superego), and outer life (what you need vs what your mother needs). Hope this might help. I wonder what your therapist says?

Andy B.

 

I have now had two mornings in a row when I have woke up with a noticeable (not significant) reduction in pain. Again, as in the previous experience of reduction in pain, the pain came back (possibly more intense) within 12 hours.

I have been talking to a therapist for most weeks of the last 6-7 months. Although my mind is much, much clearer, I still have the excruciating back pain, which is extremely frustrating.

The two mornings I have woken up with a reduction in pain, all I have done is to write a few ideas of what I think might be the cause of the on 'Post-It' notes (so probably no more than 8-10 words). I write quite a few of the notes, so can have very little idea of which one(s) have caused the improvement.

 

NiClubber, man I feel for you! This TMS shit ain't for sissies!

I thought what Andy had to share was pretty profound. Perhaps because it resonated for me personally. But for your situation, I can see how your super ego will allow only so much honesty when it comes to your anger toward her. The conflict is so great. This is your MOM we're talking about! The one who you should love and honor and blah, blah, blah. That Super Ego has to keep up the show.

The other night, I had a dream that I was SHOOTING a loved one. (I don't even want to mention who it was because it was such a smack upside the head.) I was HORRIFIED that I could have such a dream. But I have concluded that I have been in denial about a lot of anger I've kept under lock and key.

I journaled about it, gave voice to my anger but then also voiced my forgiveness to the offending loved one. I also forgave myself and accepted myself…horrible feelings and all. The acute flare I've had…has lessoned. I know there's more excavating but I trust things will float to the surface in due time.

Hang in there, buddy.

 

It seems you're on to something here! You may not need to worry about the exact perfect concept or idea that you are exploring so much as you exploring, thinking psychological, and are allowing feeling. Good work.
Andy B.

 

Hi NIClubber,
I second what Andy says above. It's not about finding the one thing you're angry at. It's about becoming comfortable with the whole kaleidoscope of your inner self. All those feelings that were not safe to have in the presence of your bullying mother. The good, the bad, the reasonable, the unreasonable, the deep, and the fleeting.

It's a big change you're trying to make. Take it step-by-step, and be easy on yourself along the way.

David.

 

NIClubber, good advice from David.

We can't always please ourselves, or be pleased with ourselves.
Its all part of TMS and we can gradually become happier and pain-free.
Keep positive and try to enjoy each day. Let yesterday go and forgive everyone,
including yourself.

 

Been reading the website of David Hanscom, and he mentions about addressing anxiety. My two (or possibly three) areas for stress or anxiety would be work-related, money problems and lack of feeling loved by someone special (maybe fear of this NEVER happening). Would it be okay just to talk about this, or do I actually have to do something about all of these to significantly reduce the pains?

 

You can treat the anxiety as TMS symptoms and investigate what that anxiety is preventing you from feeling/being aware of. "If I wasn't anxious right now, I would be feeling ____________." In this way you don't have to make your life different. You are just asking yourself to look deeper and find the difficult emotions under the anxiety. What is it you really don't want to feel!?

 

Mostly feel unloved ..... as horrible as that sounds. I feel that my mum doesn't love me, my brother doesn't love me ....... nobody loves me or cares about me. I know that isn't true, but it's what I feel.

Wasn't helped by the fact my dad died in December.

 

I feel for you. My family sucked, too, though different in details from yours. When family is toxic, love comes to feel unsafe.

My own quest in therapy is to find love, both in myself and in others, and to make the world feel like a safer, friendlier place. I suspect that may be your quest too.

David.

 

Hi NIClubber,
I am sorry for the loss of your father.
Then what you are aware of is a deep sadness perhaps, or anger? Those are the kind of emotions that are at the bottom of the pile then, below the anxiety? If so, you can treat your symptoms, including the anxiety by reminding your mind-body that you are are aware of the sadness, and you can also allow the sadness/anger when the symptoms occur. Hope this helps.
Andy B.

 

I think the stress/anxiety is just another way of avoiding the horrible 'stuff' that I need to talk about. I think the stress is there as I am comparing myself to my brother who is considered a "straight A student". I want to be considered as good as he is, even though I shouldn't need to be.

I have never been made to feel that I am good enough. I believe the pains started shortly after my mum started telling me that I was two stone (28 lbs) overweight, even though in reality I was probably less than half that overweight. The cause of being overweight may have been something to do with my lack of success in my love life, when most of the people I have dated have finished things by SMS, rather than in person.