Now what?

Last week I decided I was fed up with my fear and was going to stop fearing them. I had a plan all laid out. I would ignore my OCD brain and eat any and all foods. Take meds as needed without worrying it will hurt my stomach.

The pain slowly crept up each day. I didn’t get discouraged-I expected this. But then the pain got worse, and worse, and worse until I was laid up on the couch on the weekend. I couldn’t do anything! These symptoms were comparable to when I first got them in 2024. It brought back all those terrible memories. I was trying to ignore my OCD brain and compulsions in 2024 when these symptoms popped up. So the same thing happened with the added stress of adding food/meds.


This pain is different than last time. It had a different intensity to it and it made me question if something was really wrong this time. I know it’s just my brain protecting me, but I got caught in that loop again too. So that was a couple of hours of trying to decide if I was ok.


In addition to dealing with the symptoms, I did have a pretty big stressor that popped up in my life that I did not expect. I think even a regulated person would have had a hard time working through it. I have no doubt that made things even worse for me.


Obviously, I backed off the pressure because my brain was interpreting it as danger. I stopped doing the work on OCD thoughts and I stopped the food experiment. I tripled up on my stomach meds so I could function for my family. I jumped back on the Curable app and did a meditation and visualization last night to calm down because that was some of the worst anxiety I had ever had.


Now what? I thought I could show my brain I was ok. I also feel like I struggle with consistency with the work. I thought getting the Curable app would remind me every day to do the exercises. But I forget about it sometimes. I thought about maybe I need to look into outside help so I would be accountable to someone. but I don’t know if that is the answer. I’ll journal this week because I know this intense pain can go away. I didn’t have it last week before I decided to challenge myself so I know I can get back to my baseline once I can calm my brain down.


I’m guessing that when my flare is down again, I can start to work on baby steps with food or OCD again. But maybe I need to just focus on emotional work right now. This is just a much bigger challenge than my other TMS symptoms for sure and I feel a little lost on how to handle this.

 

Do you meditate Joulegirl?

GI issues were my second major symptom, I’m sure we’ve discussed this at some point. I had chronic gastritis diagnosed via biopsy and then suspect ibs, which was manageable with fodmap diet but I was still subject to massive massive flares that could incapacitate me for a month at a time. I remember when I was in an ocd panic about the health of my teeth I really wanted to introduce a polyol (a sugar alcohol that is great for your teeth) but I knew xylitol absolutely wrecks my GI. I tried erythritol because supposedly it’s easier on the GI system. I was good for 2ish weeks then had my worst ever flare, that beyond just normal pain produced symptoms like horrible breath (assuming sibo which is just another by product of the GI system in fight or flight). That was the last time I tried brute forcing foods that I know caused issue, at least from a lens of pressure (I need this food for my health or I need it to prove I’m better and can do this)

that was months ago and now I’m like idk 90-95% better from where I was January 25 Meditation has unquestionably calmed my nervous system, I’ll get minor GI stuff but I haven’t had a true flare in like 3 months now. I can eat an extremely diverse diet now with pretty much no symptoms, but I’m also not pressuring myself to eat whatever I want because I’ve also detached a bit from what food means to me. It’s just fuel. Why am I going to torture myself in this present reality for something I don’t actually need. And down the road it’s a real possibility that I’ll be able to eat whatever I want. But for now I’m pretty content. And I still do eat junk lol, last Friday I ate a whole thing of these sugary s’mores vegan snacks with a can of olipop soda, both things that would’ve given me issues in the past ( chocolate + acidity/carbonation). I eat them because they taste good and give me some needed pleasure after a long day of work, I don’t eat them out of fear or pressure that I need to do this to prove to myself that I’m better or to submit my brain/GI system That came from a foundation that meditation provided that all of me deserves better.

I absolutely think you can continue in your current course and overcome the flares and succeed. But to what end? It just sounds like a lot of needless torture, especially while youre already going through a lot. I think baby steps for GI stuff is wise.

 

Oh I see the comment about meditation on curable. joulegirl, if I were you I would dedicate to developing a spiritual based non guided meditation practice, beyond journaling or ocd work or any TMS stuff. It’s done so much for me. You need a consistent practice to calm your nervous system, and honestly guided ones are a crutch. I highly recommend the YouTuber Ben smith who is a meditation teacher.

I was a chronic skin picker (dermatillomania- unquestionably an ocd variant) for 26ish years. I haven’t picked my skin now in over 2 months, all thanks to meditation which has helped me actually start liking myself and understand the various ways I’m harming myself.

you have so much going on in your life, raising a family dealing with this shit. I think lowering the stakes and pressure to do a bunch of different work and instead just aiming for 20-30 minutes of meditation a day will give you new perspective and inner guidance. You already have the TMS foundation, I think trying to really connect with your higher self will take you far and give you a new lens towards recovery.

 

I agree with what @Rabscuttle said above.

I think our TMS personality tends to think in absolutes and purist ideals. I believe it's fine to take medications or eliminate/limit certain foods as long as they provide consistent relief. Most TMS symptoms aren't affected by these actions, at least not consistently. But if it works, then do it unless there are severe side effects or an addiction potential. Putting added pressure on yourself to achieve some ideal self, doesn't work. Acceptance of who you are and where you're at is a more kind and gentle approach. Baby steps as others have said.

 

Maybe what I’ve put in this thread will help: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/5-second-safety-technique-stop-hypervigilance-tension.33522 (Ah, I’ve just seen that you’ve given it a like!)

Other than that, I’d also say go back to baby steps when you can, keep everything super small to dial down any pressure. I also agree with what @Rabscuttle says above about meditation—find a simple way that fits into your already busy day. For example, after I’ve done my ablutions, I just sit for 5 minutes on a chair in my bathroom, hands in lap, shoulders lowered, eyes closed, and gently focus on lengthening my out-breaths. It all adds up to calming your brain and nervous system.

 

I just finished a conversation with my PT. He said that there is a part of the brain which codes things that are safe and unsafe and get stored in that part of the brain (after they have been processed in the amygdala, I am guessing).
I have had much success lately with utilizing some of the positive theories of behavior modification - pairing things that are considered quite safe with tiny doses of things that the brain might think are unsafe. There is a difference between the brain and the mind. You might be working on your mindset to THINK these things are safe, but you must pair that with the DOING in a safe way. Which pretty much comes down to @BloodMoon's baby steps. This isn't a method everyone needs. Some folks can just go out there and confront fear and symptoms and get it over and done with. Others need a different approach.

Gastric symptoms were a symptom of mine in the past (and still sometimes are, TMS or not - I don't care). I was absolutely gluten intolerant but it's more like the proteins in the gluten (and other foods). Now in other foods I choose to continue not to eat them as my personal moral and spiritual practice, but I decided to just try glutenous foods.

I'd been gluten free for 30 years. Caveat: it was never something I feared, and not something I felt emotionally attached to in away way except that it made me an "exception" that other people would have problems with. I never had a problem with it. So after 30 years I ate one bite of a food I had not eaten in 30 years - I ate other foods at the same time but they were all gluten free and "safe". The next week I tried two bites, same method. Within a month I was eating anything at all I liked. Previously I used the same method with tomato products (after having difficulty with silent reflux which I know is a TMS symptom) - I do occasionally get some stomach symptoms but I have proven that they are occassional, random and a "non-issue" even if they can be very intense (stomach issues were my first TMS symptom as a child resulting in many hospitalizations but no certain diagnoses - by the time I was 8, I eventually learned to just let the pain happen and from then on, it rarely did).

As for "doing the work" it is very common to forget (resist) doing the work. This is something Helmut talks about. Eventually some people can do less of the work consciously, and keep doing it in real time, but Helmut still does his "walk and talks" with himself several times a week. His methodology is using a schedule. If you have a smart phone set your alarms for work times. That might be an emotional check in three times a day, and a known time where you can usually meditate or journal. Perhaps you journal two days a week, meditate the other 5. Not taking time to do this is a big sign you are still not in the habit of putting your needs first before you serve others and also that you are resisting. You don't have to do this perfectly and my PT suggested that when you think you are able, mix things up a bit - don't keep relying on the same schedule daily so that your brain gets used to doing the work but not having to do it "perfectly" or in order or at the same time each day etc but you need to be able to do this process also in baby steps. Be patient with yourself. You will go through times in your life where it might be easier, or it might be more difficult. Try to sense the frustration with this and simply see the cycles and situations it happens in and learn from it, little by little.

We all have instances where *something* in this journey teaches us things on a new level. I think you are just recognizing where, when and what you need.

 

@Rabscuttle I don't meditate regularly. I will check out that channel and see if I could use that. If I use Curable, they are only about 10-15 mins long. I may have to work my way up! Thanks for sharing your GI story. It's encouraging to hear that it doesn't bother you anymore.

@Ellen Yes, I need to take the pressure off. Simplifying my TMS work might be smart right now.

@BloodMoon I already printed out your method and have it sitting beside me. This would be a good way to incorporate this into the day.

@JanAtheCPA Yeah I can see it's pressure now. Something we do to ourselves very easily!!

@Cactusflower Forgeting is really resisting the work, huh? I like the idea of changing up my routine. That would help a lot. I use my reminders app for a lot of things-I can use it to check in with myself too.

I think this absolutely true. I made the kids do their own laundry last night since I couldn't. But I don't think I'm putting myself first at all for anything still.

 

Getting your kids to handle the laundry is a solid first step toward prioritising yourself—start to build on that with baby steps. You clearly love your family deeply, but self-love is just as vital for a fulfilling life. Teal Swan in her book 'Shadows Before Dawn' captures this perfectly when she advised to ask yourself, "What would someone who loves themselves do?" in any given moment, then take one gentle action toward it.

 

@Joulegirl
It might be discouraging, but you haven’t failed. This all takes time. A lot of time for some of us. I think we are always making progress, even if it doesn’t show yet, or if we have setbacks. Just keep plugging away: baby steps, meditation, emotional exploration. Eventually, you’ll break through!

 

Copying my post from another thread-this is the first meditation he teaches, I pay for his class which I think is worth it at 15 dollars a month but it’s not necessary. You can do this one or you could just follow the breath. It’s important to have structure with meditation, ideally in a specific seated position with specific hand positions. You can just google meditation asana/postures and meditation mudras/hand positions to see what works. I’ll sit in half lotus (cross legged with my right leg over my left) I’ll also lay down if my neck is annoying me that day. I also connect my thumb and pointer and keep palm up. It’s important to have a goal with meditation-connecting with god, the universe or your higher self, try not to just do it to get rid of pain although it is more than helpful for that. It’s much like TMS work where you’re going to feel resistant or that you’re not doing it right, that’s all part of it! I still struggle but the effort and intent is what matters, take it easy on yourself and enjoy. You’ll eventually have some cool experiences but avoid chasing them, they are reminders that you’re on the right path but they are not goal!

(via Google AI)

So Hum meditation is a simple, silent mantra technique that
pairs the breath with the mantra "So" (inhale) and "Hum" (exhale) to promote relaxation and focus. It translates to "I am That" (identifying with universal consciousness), calming the mind and reducing anxiety by anchoring awareness to the natural rhythm of breathing.
How to Practice So Hum Meditation

• Position: Sit comfortably with an upright spine, relaxing your shoulders and jaw.
• Initial Breathing: Close your eyes and take several deep breaths, allowing your body to settle.
• The Mantra: Inhale slowly through your nose, mentally repeating the sound "So" for the duration of the inhale.
• The Exhale: Exhale slowly through your nose, mentally repeating the sound "Hum" for the duration of the exhale.
• Maintain Flow: Continue this cycle—inhale "So," exhale "Hum"—allowing the breath to be natural and effortless.
• When Your Mind Wanders: Gently acknowledge any thoughts, then return your focus to the sound of your breath and the mantra.
• Ending: After 5–20 minutes, stop the mantra, sit in silence for a moment, and gradually open your eyes.

Optional Tips

• Visualization: Visualize breathing in universal energy during the "So" and releasing tension during the "Hum".
• Pauses: Notice the subtle pauses at the top of the inhalation and the bottom of the exhalation.
• Routine: Consistent daily practice helps build a deeper sense of inner stillness.

 

This is what stood out to me - this might be idealistic for where you are right now, but this is the same thing that happened to me with running. Whenever I ran to "test" (like an experiment) I always got a massive flare. Why? Because if the purpose is an experiment or to test symptoms, then you're going to be massively hypervigilant (even subconsciously) and your brain is going to jump at every little increase. You're setting yourself up for "failure" (you haven't really failed, it's always a learning and you can't go backwards truly with TMS recovery - it's actually a big win if you take this lesson on board) here - it's not a failure of "I didn't implement this right" or "I wasn't strong enough emotionally because of what was happening at the time" it was the wrong strategy to begin with (at least from a mindset/purpose perspective).

Rabscuttle sort of alluded to this (and he's implemented what I'm talking about - whether he meant to or not), but likely in the past you just ate whatever you wanted and didn't give it much thought (if not, then that's loosely what we are going for). This is the action and mindset associated with no symptoms. If you're watching what you're eating like a hawk and by extension testing with foods (again, I understand and it's not a current criticism - it's a process), then the brain is naturally going to associate that with danger because it will think "why is she so careful with what she eats if she's telling us there's nothing wrong with her"? When you have your rip the band-aid off moment, it should be "stuff it I'm going to eat what I want because there's nothing wrong with me and that's normal behaviour" - the purpose is getting back to normal and natural habits, as that is what sends the message to the brain that you are ok. If you're still looking to experiment, then to me (and you said the doubts started to creep in) you need to go back to reassuring the belief - you can only really rip the band aid off successfully (and successfully doesn't necessarily mean no symptoms) if you aren't afraid of the consequences symptom wise (because you are that sure that nothing is wrong - even though they suck - it only worked with me ripping the band aid off when I got into a position where even though it really hurt, that didn't lead to doubt in the TMS diagnosis - that was rock solid and couldn't be moved by symptom intensity) - otherwise you'll just be doing it in the hope that no symptoms arise and you have solved TMS there and then (it's a desperation play - which was what I was doing with running - I wasn't running because I wanted to or because it was back to natural life (which was a mistake), I was doing so looking for a way out - and I've never seen that work - you can't cut corners if there's more belief work to be done).

Focusing on the emotional is definitely wise and should help your TMS belief (through realisations as to how they trigger symptoms beyond the food itself). I want to say too that I made the above mistake around testing probably 10 times (or more - so no judgment) - so if it makes sense to you now then you're golden and it's a big stepping stone

 

I so agree with Cactus, the doing along with the thinking is so important. Tbh, I used to wish that I wasn't one of those who needed to do baby steps, but then I kind of became grateful that there was at least (to borrow the title of Alan Gordon's book) a 'way out' for me and others like me, albeit via taking the 'scenic route'.

 

This thread ended up with so many great recommendations and insights. Thank you all for replying to help me out. I will work on this-this week. Last night I had every intention to meditate for 30 minutes (from @Rabscuttle recommendation). Instead, my night got unexpectedly busy and I ended up only doing a meditation for about 10 minutes before bed because that is all we could do.

So why did it get unexpectedly busy? Because I let it. I put other things before myself and instead of saying no, I just let it happen. This was such a great insight.

Another great insight? I'm definitely hype fixating on stuff thinking it *might* cause me pain.

 

I think you might also be worried about feeling anxious or fearful?
Perhaps you need to play with the thoughts that come with these things a bit. Try letting the fear thoughts run wild and really look at the ridiculous way a mind can create really wild stories - not with judgement but by simply sitting and observing it. This really helped me reduce the fear - even writing out these thoughts was helpful because I could see first hand how my mind could run amok. I could sense that I was physically uncomfortable not just with the symptoms but with the sensations of anxiety it would bring. I'd push the anxiety away.
Now I just accept it all, and can even stop the fear thoughts by turning my mind away from them to something more fun.
The fact you do so much for others all the time makes me think you might not have some fun things that are just for you, and by that I mean things that the rest of your family might not have much interest in. Explore those things every once and awhile and see how you feel about engaging in them.
I also think that your children might be far more capable of helping you do than you feel you should allow (notice should). Although I personally had to do more than most kids were asked to do (two disabled parents who were not always physically present) I'm super grateful for the skills I learned.

 

I was gonna say something similar. ‘Brute forcing’ experiments never worked for me. When purely hypothesizing you can kind of decide that youre just not gonna let symptoms bother you anymore, but it doesnt work like that. After the exposure, which you obviously can bruteforce, your brain will just keep upping the symptoms until you stop. I dont really remember why i didnt respond with this immediately.

I guess i dont really have a story to tell but your brain has a reason for feeling unsafe and just deciding that youre not gonna have symptoms anymore yeah it just doesnt work.

 

30 minutes to start is not easy, if you don’t hit that mark so be it. It’s a good goal, but 5 minutes of intentional balanced meditation is a lot more meaningful than 30 minutes of brute forcing and gritting your teeth and pressure and feeling like you should be doing something else.

honor yourself for those 10 minutes.

I’ve been doing it every day since December and I still have days where after 5 minutes I’m just like nope not today! But I tried, and I understand the discipline is something that I’ll continue to cultivate.

be kind and keep at it!

 

It happens and its no biggie. You know all of this already but dont kill yourself over small ass shit. Its the intention that counts.

Its so crazy how much ive changed in a year because ‘its the intention that counts’ is not something Mani would come close to saying 1 yr ago