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Day 10 Not good enough

liatws22

liatws22

New Member
It's been several days since I really sat down to do a Structured Ed Program day. So, I've been on Day 10 for several days now. I can just hear a part of myself that is very serious, very studious, say, "you've very behind. You should have been much further along by now." This part of me wears very thick glasses with big plastic frames, just like I did in the 3rd grade. Back then, I had the feeling that I had better grow up really fast. I don't know why that's what I thought and felt, but that was how it was. So, now there's little Miss Glasses who thinks that I'm way behind on my Structured Ed Program. She's getting support and validation from the pain that I'm experiencing in my lower back, left side. Ouch. She's wagging her finger at me and saying, "see what happens when you don't do your work?"

One of the things I feel most helpless about is my mind. I think that I have mostly accepted that there's nothing wrong with my body. But I feel that there is something wrong with my mind, and I feel that my mind is trying to cause me pain, trying to hurt me. It gives me a feeling of being at war with myself and not trusting myself. It also makes me feel like I don't know whether this pain will ever go away, because I feel that my mind wants me to bleed.

Words of encouragement and your experiences would be greatly appreciated.
 
liatws22 said:
One of the things I feel most helpless about is my mind. I think that I have mostly accepted that there's nothing wrong with my body. But I feel that there is something wrong with my mind, and I feel that my mind is trying to cause me pain, trying to hurt me. It gives me a feeling of being at war with myself and not trusting myself. It also makes me feel like I don't know whether this pain will ever go away, because I feel that my mind wants me to bleed.

Words of encouragement and your experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

I can empathize with what you say. I've felt that way at times too. But if I understand Sarno's theories correctly, our unconscious brain is actually trying to protect us by repressing emotion and creating pain and other symptoms as a distraction. It's a misguided approach due to the fact that that part of our brain is very primitive compared to our conscious brain. So I think of it as a wayward child who just doesn't know a better way. It's up to us through our conscious brain to teach it a better way. Teaching is best done with love and compassion. I find it effective to speak to my unconscious brain with this view of it in mind. It seems to work if I just remember to do it, and stay aware. Our conscious brain can override the unconscious, but it takes a lot of repetition, patience, and consistency--like with a two year old.

Take your time with the SEP if you feel you need it. We are all different and need to give ourselves the flexibility to find our own unique way. Just don't give up.

Best wishes...
 
It's such a busy time of year, with work, relationships, preparing for Christmas,
it's no wonder you fell behind in the SEP program. But don't think your mind is causing a problem.
I agree with Dr. Sarno that your unconscious mind is your friend, giving you pain so you discover
your hidden emotions and deal with them. That can take time, so don't try to rush it.

Maybe even take a longer break in the SEP so you have more time for yourself until the new year.

Take some deep breaths and laugh. Think that your mind is your friend and it will be.
 
Yeah, I have found that sometimes I have had to take breaks from the SEP and only do it every second or third day. It's hard not to pressure myself, and get disappointed when I have a "relapse" of pain or fatigue. But I'm learning not to worry about it so much - I've discovered it's a normal part of the journey. It's a fine balance between working at recovery and doing the exercises, but also taking time to relax, enjoy myself and find other activities to focus on. I think both are essential to recovery.
 
Holy mackerel you all -- your responses are so helpful. Ellen, I read your response on Friday morning, and it was just a super day. This part really sticks with me:

Ellen said:
It's up to us through our conscious brain to teach it a better way. Teaching is best done with love and compassion.
Click to expand...

I loved learning as a kid when I had quiet time on my own to just sit with something and explore it. To get to know something. Unfortunately, I often felt that someone -- either my father or a teacher -- was standing over my shoulder and telling me to learn at their pace, not mine. My father frequently expressed his frustration that I didn't understand something that he was trying to teach me. I felt that his frustration was directed at me. Now I know that he was just frustrated with himself, but that is cold comfort, as there's a part of me which has adopted his frustration as my own.

As an adult, I am often not compassionate or loving with myself when I'm learning, especially when I'm trying to meet a deadline (with "Father Time" sitting on my shoulder). So, I'm going to try to support my love of learning with understanding, love and compassion.

Walt and Laudisco -- you are helping me re-evaluate my relationship with "Father Time." Today, my husband and I are taking a road trip to Carmel, on the California coast. I'll let the SEP exercises wait until after the weekend and am going to take time to enjoy the scenery and my husband.

With gratitude.
 
A road trip to Carmel with your husband sounds wonderful.
Treat yourself to a weekend of enjoying yourself.
You can get back to the SEP program next week, and be sure to find time
in the days before Christmas to enjoy the holiday and remember
it's not Santa Claus' birthday. Thank the Lord for all His blessings.
 
liatws22, Carmel? May I feel jealous for a moment? I haven't been there in years, and don't imagine ever going back, but I hope this was a lovely weekend for you.

Let's enjoy those days we skip from SEP. I find that I need that time to process what I'm discovering, and that pushing myself would only be practicing the very mindset that gets me into trouble. As a Legalist personality, I do have a firm sense of right and wrong. However, false guilt, about something such as this, is detrimental to my healing, so I'm going to spend my evening doing something I love.
 
liatws22 said:
... I feel that my mind is trying to cause me pain, trying to hurt me. It gives me a feeling of being at war with myself and not trusting myself. It also makes me feel like I don't know whether this pain will ever go away, because I feel that my mind wants me to bleed.

Words of encouragement and your experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

According to Dr. Sarno, TMS is a PROTECTOR and not a punisher. It is a psychological defense mechanism attempting to distract you from facing emotional issues that your sub-c has decided would be more painful then the physical pain symptom. It will go away when you can deal with the emotions your TMS is trying to protect you from.
 
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