Day 10 Not expressing my feelings...

[Pia]

Question to ponder on day 10 - Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?

Well, the answer is... I don't express my emotions. Generally. First of all, I have difficulties recognizing my feelings. What is actually going on inside me - am I sad, angry, happy - or do I actually take over the other person's feelings and make them mine (which I'm pretty good at...).

Secondly, I jump into all kinds of discussions with myself on whether this feeling is okay, relevant, has anything to do with the situation or is some old stuff inside me, whether there is any point in saying something, will the person understand me, recognize what I'm trying to say - or do I ultimately end up feeling lousy, wrong, inadequate, mentally unstable, hysterical etc.

So I usually eat it up, step aside, observe for (much too) long time, speak to friends, journal, contemplate and then maybe - just maybe - say something general about how I feel about certain things... which may be a bit difficult for the person involved to understand... Unless I have observed for way too long and fallen into apathy and hopelessness... which in the end makes me leave the relation if I can or fall into depression if I can't. I sometimes say things pretty outright which is not always a good solution unless the receiver really gets it - but it's rare.

I guess I'm not alone in this... Does anyone have any good ideas on how to be more clear earlier in the process??

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Pia. It's not easy to answer this with advice. I think everyone withholds their real true feelings to others, except to the person(s) they love most. I don't think it's necessary to reveal your deepest emotions to others. We need to keep some of our mystery. I think that's what makes us interesting to others. On the other side, don't be a stoic.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I love Walt's response.

Many people report feeling more aware of their feelings, and more able to express their feelings as they explore Dr. Sarno's approach through programs like this SEP, or journaling. Many find that learning how their minds and feelings work, things go easier in time. Many report more self-compassion for their human condition, and are easier on themselves.

The important thing in using Dr. Sarno's approach to relieve symptoms is to recognize how your habitual patterns may affect your Inner Child. How does it feel to hold your feelings in? To not give yourself space to express yourself? To fear rejection?

Try to link all the SEP work you are doing to reading and re-reading Dr. Sarno's work. Apply what you learn, very specifically for you, to his theory. To be able to observe yourself so clearly is very helpful for Dr. Sarno's approach. But at this stage, trying to change the deep patterns can be more about self-rejection and perfectionism. The main point of these insights is to link to the mechanics of Dr. Sarno's work.

I take the liberty to show you what comes to me, as a way of demonstrating effective ways of applying what you know about yourself.

I have difficulties recognizing my feelings.

"I see that there are lots of things which "don't want to be felt, (in fact they are so difficult, that I am often not even sure what they are!)," therefore I get symptoms such as ____________."

do I actually take over the other person's feelings and make them mine

"I see that my Inner Child feels unseen, alone, neglected, unsafe." "I also see she may feel ________________, about being ignored." "As a child I gave up my right to be me, in the presence of my caretakers. Reflecting on this, I feel ______."

So I usually eat it up, step aside, observe for (much too) long time,

"I repress my expression, and inside I probably really feel ________________________, about repressing myself. These real feelings threaten who I take myself to be, so I get (these symptoms)____________________ instead of actually feeling these emotions. "

I write this out because I see how many people believe that their personality traits need to be changed, rather than simply linked to TMS symptoms.

With Respect,

Andy B

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I guess I'm not alone in this... Does anyone have any good ideas on how to be more clear earlier in the process??

Put the person on a chair in front of you, in the form of a pillow and tell them what is up for you. See how it feels in your body to express your truth, even if you are uncertain. Then you may feel more clear about things. Whether you want to say anything to the actual person or not is up to you! Doing this over time helps me be more myself in-the-moment, when things actually come up.

 

[Pia]

Thank you very much, Walt and Andy! I've been thinking about stoic and I'm aware that I've taken an elevated spiritual approach to my feelings - a true spiritual being embraces life and people without getting emotionally "involved" (when we talk about "negative" emotions like anger, irritation etc), and I have used that to act stoic on the inside and repress and reject my feelings. I realised only 6 months ago that being spiritual means to be in contact with all aspects of your being, not repressing anything.

I just love this

The important thing in using Dr. Sarno's approach to relieve symptoms is to recognize how your habitual patterns may affect your Inner Child. How does it feel to hold your feelings in? To not give yourself space to express yourself? To fear rejection?

and

I write this out because I see how many people believe that their personality traits need to be changed, rather than simply linked to TMS symptoms.

Yes, this is what TMS is about for me! Another step on the road to being with all of me - nothing needs to be changed, just recognised and respected. Your suggestions on how to work with these things touched me deeply and will be very helpful! Thank you!

Nice day ahead
Pia