Don't know if any of this share is helpful to your situation
Yesterday, I had a bit of a break through followed by a huge amount of confusion and a new type of failure. It's had me spinning since then. Then when I read your words "erratic", "unpredictable", "volatile" that rang true. That's how I find people and (in my mind) for good reason. Because they are. The rules keep changing and I never get word that they've changed until I've managed to break them some how.
Last night, when I was having a panic attack (I went grocery shopping), I tried to get to a small place and asked myself what does my inner child need or want. And in my head was a trembling child in abject fear wailing to just go home. There was no reasoning, no talking, just uncontrolled wailing. I tried to force it to buy what was on my list. At one point, a man was pulling a hand truck toward me from behind, the closer it got, the louder and I was trembling so badly that I thought my knees would buckle. But, if they buckled that would be a scene and I'd rather death than a public scene. It took me 45 more minutes to get myself checked out and I didn't even have half of what was on my list. The drive home was a ball of pain, knives through the ribs, barely able to breath, head spinning. And the whole time, all I kept thinking is what does this child want and getting no answers. I've never raised a kid. I have no idea of how to even relate to this inner child or emotions or what ever. And, it's especially unfair when they get to throw a fit that includes knifing me through the ribs over and over again.
Then last night was a dream (night terror?) of a giant breaking into my house. He was 3x my size and no matter what I did it just made him more angry and he kept hitting me with these huge fists. It was all in slow motion but for some reason, I couldn't get out from in front of them all i could do was watch them swinging at my head. And, each time he landed a blow it was like being hit in the face with a brick or a piece of steel because his fists were so hard. When I wake from these kinds of dreams, it feels like they happened in real life. I feel all the pain as if it all really happened. So, today I'm a ball of pain from my 'smashed in' face, to sore neck from being thrown around, to body full of 'pulled muscles' between last night and the dream... but, my hands and feet feel pretty much okay... and the pain is all very much real, just it wasn't inflicted by some external agent.
And, still I can't figure out what this inner child wants or needs. Or what I could possibly be suppressing that is worth beating the ever loving crap out of me as a "distraction" But, even this 'child' has become volatile and erratic. I feel like I'm losing on all sides right now.
