Day 19 My trait of stoicism

My personality trait of stoicism makes me feel in control, I suppose. But also like I’m delaying my life. I thought it was the TMS that made me delay it but it’s hard to tell which is the cause and which is the effect. Initially when my health started getting really bad I thought that it would be best if I just held off on things until it got better. Yet TMS theory tells me that it’s not wanting to feel emotions that causes TMS.
I have spent so much time during the past year trying to feel my emotions. This has taken the form of meditation, doing therapy, and just asking myself how I feel. Occasionally I’ve been more desperate and tried to force it. I punched a pillow a few times. When I thought crying would help I bought some onions to chop. Then I tried rubbing Tiger Balm below my eyes. Not that I thought a purely physical cry would help but because I thought I might be able to dredge up some emotions and keep the cry going.
Nothing worked. There was once or twice when I reading a sad story that I felt like I was stopping myself from crying but those times happened in public places and I really didn’t want to let go.
I have been playing basketball which I think on some level is helpful emotionally. It’s good to go out there and be competitive but it’s not really emotional. It’s more calming and a chance to be away from my thoughts.
Sadness I can do. I have a low level of sadness that I carry around with me all the time. I also have fear, anxiety and loneliness. So I’m not thrilled with the emotions that I do get to experience.
I’ve started dating again and that has allowed me to experience tenderness. I feel like a newly-calved deer sometimes. When I’m shown affection it leaves me feeling vulnerable but grateful. It’s a strange combination of emotions. It’s healing but it also shows me how far I have to go emotionally. I keep thinking how strange it is that it affects me so much. Part of it is that I let it affect me- there are other times in my life where I wouldn’t have shown the same level of vulnerability.

Since starting this program have you done anything that makes you proud?
Doing this journalling has been difficult due so I’m relieved I’m doing it. I’m not sure I’d go as far as saying I’m proud of it.

I was able to jog much faster and more naturally since starting.

 

If we have parents who are unpredictable and who don't nurture us properly we learn to survive by maintaining a constant state of vigilance because we might at any point be under physical or emotional attack. It would be far too dangerous to let our guard down, to show vulnerability. Unfortunately we keep this guard up at inappropriate times and when we do let go, it feels weird, unnatural. When you find that special person for you, Luke, you could be happier and more connected. Alan Gordon talks about the importance of being vulnerable with someone in our lives during one of his webinars. Originally I viewed this as a negative. I must keep my guard up at all costs! This is not the way any of us are going to get better.