Day 8 My TMS Treatment up to This Point

[Kiara]

I have been going through the Structured Education program a bit more slowly, as I haven't been doing it every day, although I have found it quite fruitful so far!

To be honest I haven't experienced dramatic improvements yet, although I did notice one night while lying in bed, I had tension in my forehead. I told myself it was just TMS, and the tension moved to my chest. In that moment I also had pain that moved to different parts of my body, and I realised that it was "on the run" so to speak. That experience gave me more hope and optimism about recovery.

What has been difficult is that I seem to be experiencing the "symptom imperative" where I initially had chronic back, neck and nerve pain, but now I have intense fatigue, headaches, and an irritable stomach. I'm certain it is TMS yet it is frustrating as it doesn't seem to be going away immediately. Last night I also felt my heart start racing for no apparent reason, and I realised this is much like a panic attack (although I've never had a full-blown panic attack before!).

I sense that I have quite a few underlying emotional issues that I need to work through, and I realise my mind is desperately trying to distract me. I also become aware that I have been using compulsive thoughts and behaviour to distract myself, which is becoming unhealthy and damaging.

Another thing I've noticed is that I struggle with being attracted to unavailable men, which leads to feelings of guilt, shame and frustration. I want to overcome this tendency so I can be attracted to the right kind of people and have healthy relationships in future.

I know that I will get better eventually, but I must admit it's taking longer than I hoped.

 

[Kiara]

Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this?

I am starting to recognise the emotions connected to my pain, although I have to admit some of them are buried. I'm realising that I actually do have a lot of repressed anger, but it's been stuffed down so well it's hard for me to access it! I realised recently that I'm starting to experience more conscious anger.

For instance, I noticed that in my thoughts I was angry recently about feeling pressured into doing something. Then I thought to myself, "I don't give a f*** what they think!" I was a bit surprised as I never swear in real life (yeah, I'm a real goodist!) and pretty much never even think about swear words. I was surprised that these thoughts were coming to the surface consciously, and I must admit it scared me a bit. It made me feel a bit out of control and guilty, although in hindsight it's probably a good thing that the anger is not so deeply repressed.

Another issue for me is feelings of anxiety and dread, as I noticed my heart racing at one point yesterday for no apparent reason. I've also found that when I get anxious, I carry tension in my body. Usually it ends up being a tense feeling in my chest, in my forehead, or my eyelids twitching. I've experienced periodic tension in my chest and other parts of the body since I was sixteen. For instance, when I changed schools at age sixteen, I had tension in my chest for several months. It bothered me that I didn't seem to be able to get rid of it, but eventually it disappeared on its own.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Laudisco. I think you need to spend more time practicing relaxation and calming techniques
that can take your mind off of anger, anxiety, dread. Find things to do and think about that make you feel happy.
You're a goodist person, so be good to yourself. If you're alone and angry, go ahead and swear. It releases tension.
Then LAUGH. That really helps me when I'm angry or upset and worried about anything.

Feelings of tenseness have been with you off and on for years, so don't worry about them.
They've gone away on their own because you relaxed and kept your mind busy on good things.

 

[Kiara]

I appreciate the feedback Walt - thanks for that. I also think you make a useful recommendation about relaxation techniques. Even though I have tried various techniques, I want to learn to practice them more consistently over time. I realise that I usually do them once or twice, and then forget about them!

I've noticed that laughing helps a lot with pain… I remember several years ago, when I just had shoulder/upper back pain, I took up a part-time job at an architecture firm. They knew I had pain issues but I found when I had a good laugh with my work colleagues, I could stay longer because I was in less pain! It's amazing how laughter makes such a difference...