My TMS experience

[Baru]

At first a bit of an introduction. I'm a 19 year old male and I've had 'RSI' for about two and a half years. I read the divided mind three days ago and I'm very much susceptible to TMS. But to what extent and how? There's a lot that I can relate to in what Dr. Sarno is bringing fourth, but some, not so much. A lot of confusion and even more questions.

I genuinely hope some of you read through this and give me feedback.

So let me explain my history with the pains, and what I think happened. It started at a very low point in my life, high school. Plenty of insecurities and unhealthy stress. I skipped a lot, didn't have friends, had troubles studying etc.
But at the time I found a great passion of mine, competitive gaming. I would spend maybe 5-6 hours behind the computer, trying to get better. It was insanely fun and finally I found something I could get really good at and interact within the community.
But then it started. At first in the pinky. I remember it clear as day how I panicked that years of bad posture and lack of exercise brought on one of those carpal tunnel related defects that a lot of people get using computers. I tried desperately to get rid of it. All kinds of stretches and supplements like b complex. Then it skipped on to my shoulder and soon after all over my arms and upper torso. I had to drop my hobby in fear of the pain getting worse and never being able to play video games again.
Then it happened again in february last year when I decided that I'm going to get really good at drawing. I deemed it's not as straining for my body as video games and that I should be fine. I could spend hours writing notes in class. I was about a month in my new cause in life and it started. Horrible horrible pain in my upper back. Between the scapula and spine. It was the first time I felt pain there, and it was nothing like RSI which was very random and it jumped around from day to day. I was convinced something in the slight movements of the arm caused this. Once again I had to drop one of my new found passions in hopes of doing it some day in the future.
Then about a year ago I dropped out of school and life got very relaxed. I stopped having responsibilities and what I deem was internal rage died down. I started exercising a lot, eating healthier, using the computer less, all in the hopes of overcoming my condition and 'continuing my life'.

Yet the pain remained the same. Why? Here's my theory and the whole point of this wall of text.
I don't think it was internal rage. It may have started it, but I think it was always related to the activity. The pain always seemed secondary and sort of trivial to the fact that I lost the ability to draw or play video games. And the fear of making it worse was the primary catalyst. Is this TMS? Could this be correct? To recover, do I just have to accept it fully and get over it? Surely if it was all my subconscious having to deal with problems, then the pain would die down completely when I dropped out of school and receiving considerably less stress? Right?

I have much more to say about my feelings and history, but for the sake of keeping this already too long post short, I'll stop here.

I'm eager to hear your responses and if any of you have any questions about anything, I would be very open to go a bit in depth. This pain has been a huge part of my life in the past years, and I'm very excited about finally moving on.

 

[dreissner]

The fear of making it worse is a big component of TMS, that helps to keep it going, but I do think the original cause is unacceptable internal emotions, such as repressed rage and sadness.

You have to understand that these repressed emotions are so huge in magnitude (that's why the word rage is often used -- it's anger more extreme than can be described in words), that they are usually due to something extremely difficult and painful that happened in your life, often very early on when you weren't able to experience it consciously (or when it would have been dangerous to experience it consciously), and so you had to repress those completely justified and natural feelings into your body. You didn't have a choice.

So think in terms of very big things, huge magnitudes of feelings. The paradox is that even though those events or emotions are huge, you may not even remember them consciously, or at least not remember them as being so big, because to survive you had to minimize them in your conscious mind.

Just stopping an activity, or changing your life style (even if it removes a lot of stresses) does not really touch those internal emotions of rage. It's quite unrelated in fact.

What's causing the TMS is probably something much more deep seated, a very threatening internal conflict that would completely unravel your life as it is now, if you became conscious of it. That's why your subconscious is giving you the pain. It would rather have you be in pain than know the real reason for the pain, because the real reason would be so horrifying to come to terms with. Even though that is what would free you from the pain. The subconscious mind is very primitive, and this is its strategy for trying to protect you.

 

[Baru]

Okay, I realized that the fear might be a big component of TMS, but there's just been far too much trauma in my life for me to just dismiss it like this.

So what am I trying to achieve here? Do I start journaling?

I've always considered myself as very introspective and self conscious. As I go through these big events that caused a lot of stress to me, I remember pain and sometimes anger. But these feelings seem very obvious and noticeable even at the time. Maybe I've tried my best to ignore them and shift my attention to other things, but I've always consciously acknowledged that the situation is fucked, and there's not much I can do but to abide and just get through with it.

So should I look more into these obvious periods, that I can remember from the top of my head, and just try to 'get over it'? Or is it something that I haven't noticed at all yet?

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Dreissner, the unconscious mind loves to send pain to a part of the body we use a lot and that is very
important to us, such as your love to play video games on the computer. So it probably gave you pain
in the hands when you were at the computer.

It wants you to work on your TMS causes for the pain and they may very well go way back to
your early years.

Fearing that the pain or TMS study may make it worse only keep the pain coming on and can make it worse.
You need to start journaling to learn the causes of your TMS. Maybe also start the free
Sdtructured Education Program on the TmsWiki. It will show you how to heal the pain.

Baru, yes, start journaling. Like I told Dreissner above, it will help you to discover the hidden emotion(s)
that are causing your pain. Once you discover the hidden emotions you can tell your unconscious mind
you know what they are that are causing your symptoms and it will let up and go. That's the way
to "get over it." Remember, then forgive, then you can forget.