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My story

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by shakalaka, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. shakalaka

    shakalaka Newcomer

    I was in a long term relationship for 5 years. Before dating her, we were friends for 2 years. She was overseas and we chatted through MSN almost every day. It was me who initiated the relationship after she had come back to our country. We had good and bad times, but mostly good since we both were introverted and we were not searching for a fight, I had a lot of fun with her. Without going much detail the best thing about our relationship was that I was never alone and I had a pleasant person who I loved at my side almost at every activity I did, home and outside. It felt like life was on an easy mode because whenever I had tough time studying engineering she was always there to support and talk to me.

    It saddens me that after 5 years we broke up so instantly, it was a surprise huge to my friends. We were having a rough time where both of us were not communicating about each others feelings. Weeks before breaking up I had fallen under the spell of limerence and was obsessing about a girl who merely knew me, it continued for half a year. Anyways, after we broke up with my girlfriend I calmed myself down that now I had so much time to myself and there were new women to be met. I actually felt relieved that we had broken up. Unfortunately, my mind and heart were not in sync. A year after we broke up I had not had any joy in life (also due to TMS symptoms), neither did I have interest or an opportunity to meet someone. However, the girl I was dating had already moved on. She is living with someone else now. After discovering TMS, which happened well over a year after our break up, I looked deep into myself and I realized that I had made a great mistake that I did not fight for our relationship, I even cried for a couple of days, I did not do. I had not cried for 10+ years.

    After breaking up, I did not have the opportunity to look back what had happened but I was angry that it had to happen half a year before graduating from university where I had spent my last 6 years. I was desiring to get my degree and there was nothing to stop me, I even bragged told to a close friend of mine that weaker person could not have graduated after such a break-up. It makes me think that I am good at suppressing my emotions. By the way, I should mention that I had no intent to work at a profession related to my studies. Unconsciously I never wanted to, but I worked at a related profession for 2 years and I quit a month before breaking up with my girlfriend which was half a year before my graduation. I discovered programming was a lot of fun for me and I actually liked it a lot, it even made me care less that I had lost my girlfriend. The only point my graduation served was to please my ego and my family. Anyway, the last semester was tough. I always felt uncertainty that I would not pull it off. During the last semester I spent the mornings and the noons writing my masters thesis and in the evenings I almost always would have gone out to smoke weed with my "friends" (I am sure if my weed buddies would qualify as true friends, I feel I can call friend a person whom I have a deeper connection than being blazed out). Looking back, it was my way of coping with loneliness and anxiety after the break-up. After a lot of anxiety (during the last week before graduating my anxiety was at all time peak, I head would spin due to anxiety) and worrying I successfully defended my masters thesis. The same day I instantly went to my smoke buddies and took a decent hit as my reward for putting end to 6,5 years of anxiety, I think I suppressed life once again. However, I have not felt truly happy about my accomplishment ever since, maybe because I expected to meet my new life with my ex-girlfriend.

    But then it all began. I would get tension headaches every day for 2 months after the graduation, I also was learning programming daily and searching for a job. During the headaches I got my programming assignment from a company and the company who was interviewing me was kind of impressed since I there was no programming in my curriculum. I got the job. However, then neck pain on the right side began and headaches disappeared. It was painful, I was worrying that I would have to go to work with this shit and in the end I had to. So the next months I spent thinking all the time what the hell was wrong with me, why could not I live a normal life after the graduation. I went to acupuncture, massage. It did not help at all. I had a x-ray, everything was OK with my neck. I was confused. Anyway, after 7 months of daily neck pain on the right side I learned about TMS, I think it clicked instantly me that it must be it. Now I am trying to think emotionally what to see what is bothering me and also to be calm since there is physically nothing wrong with me.

    I hope anyone can give their opinion on my story.
  2. Josh Howard

    Josh Howard New Member

    I think your story, like many of ours, is one that is unique, yet eerily similar. Sometimes life changes bring on emotions and those in turn bring on repressed emotions, which cause all different types of ailments unless we embrace them. Mine usually occurs shortly after life stressor and I start to have various pains. The problem is that during these life stressors I repress my emotions (due to a childhood trauma) and think that by not dealing with issues that the situation will get better, and of course the opposite takes place.

    I wish you the best in your journey. Keep sharing, it's some of the best medicine (writing ad reading about emotional topics)
  3. shakalaka

    shakalaka Newcomer

    Thanks. It does seem like I get TMS symptoms when I am somewhat relaxed or happy so I like to think that it actually shows that I try relax.

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