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My story with spondy! It's a long one

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Kizaa, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. Kizaa

    Kizaa Peer Supporter

    Hi, Im Kyrin new on the boards, From Australia and chasing some wisdom!

    Ill try to make a long story short, I was being stupid one night with friends as you do.. so i put one on my shoulders. pretty be-nine activity, he was fairly skinny i had him on facing backwards and he lost balance and fell backwards making me arch so i counteracted it to pull him up felt my back strain on the right side and my life changed forever.

    Immediately after i was like oh that was not good as it felt very sore and began worrying about what i did straight away. I did not collapse on the ground in pain or anything like that it felt like a bad strain. i was 19

    At this point in my life i had some stress, mostly from a high maintenance girlfriend who at times made me feel inadequate and like she was better than me it drove me up the wall! I really liked her though! also i was leaving on holiday for a month the following week and i was not sure where my studies were going..

    i tried to ignore it for 5 months after i was working at this time and everyday my right side would tighten up like no tomorrow, creating all sorts of fear and crazy feelings i thought id really stuffed my self and would cry after work. I was also pushing too hard at the gym because of self confidence issues had been for 3 years straight. I had to stop and it killed me it was my release.

    Got to the doc got a diagnosis, Ct's mri's revealed a l5/s1 pars defect( break in the facet joint) and grade 1 spondylolisthesis, so my actual vertebrae had separated from the facet joints designed to hold it in place. a slight bulge at that level and the rest of the spine is perfect, No Nerve issues were ever present. Now im SCARED

    13 months on, still pain 3 orthopedics, still lots of stress + girl issues. Ended up with a very experinced neuro and was basically told, the unsupported vertebrae is the cause of your problems But the condition happened when you were younger, as part of defect. i asked if my little accident caused the break he said i highly doubt it.
    It cannot be treated with out surgery only managed.

    i was given 2 options conservative, or surgery. with conservative he said id always have to be careful throughout life and forget lifting heavy stuff. So i was left guttered at 19. While i decided what to do and my friends got on with life.

    I did my research ect. Ive read way too much **** by the way i couldn't even explain, some people are dealing with it others having surgery. conflicting info everywhere you look. My mind was really suffering by now, at this stage my right ham string used to get tight thought it was sciatica but scans cleared me for nerve involvement, which is very strange but it was so uncomfortable.

    I decided i cant live with this everyday tightness and pain. so at 20years old out of desperation i had l5-s1 fusion through the abdomen it's supposed to be less invasive as no muscles are cut which is a positive. It was a success, only to have some internal bleeding at the would which required cleaning through a small re op. This also screwed my mind once i found i was going under again, the stress level was insane. by the time they got in it healed itself so they cleaned the clots and i received 10 blood transfusions.

    1.5 years out from surgery here I sit. In these last 1.5 years of recovery there has been so many ups and downs it will make u sick as a dog. i was told 1 year to recover, its weird I had the procedure to get back to my previous active life, but somehow deep down i wasn't a full believer that this one thing alone will get me there. I became OCD looking at how the procedure was done and reading everything google had to offer. WORST MISTAKE EVER. People who are successes don't hang around on google! Still in pain on the right side a year later trying so hard to figure out why the hell! On scans im all fused and it looks great...

    Then I discovered Dr. John Sarno for weeks ago and it's changed everything.

    Iv'e listened to MBP and divided mind also watched one of his lectures i've been working on it everyday for 3-4 weeks at the start mostly just trying to convince my self of TMS. I HAVE had the best results in pain relief in 3-4weeks than i have in the whole 1.5 years, to the point of having periods of completely no pain, which further re in-forces my trust in TMS. I also get the lovely Symptom imperative all the time, my leg gets tight, goes to tailbone, then decided to go to the upper back only on the right side though, how strange!?! Mabye it thinks i will believe it their as that's where i felt the original strain. BUT I KNOW BETTER! To me when there is periods of no pain it just tells me that their cannot be anything wrong with my back! Im hopeful that i can make the change permanent even thought i know TMS is a lifelong condition. I like what one of the other posters said, you can't go in and PIN point the exact emotion IMO too stressful, You just have to recognize lots of them and work on surfacing them.

    Ive learn t so much in the last month and iv'e only just begun. I was always focused on physical never gave any thought to the mind that was suffering so much, nothing a 20 year old should have to endure.

    --I'm starting to believe TMS so much that I'm even questioning having an operation as Sarno even says spondy shouldn't cause pain.
    Yet i read fusion for low grade spondy can be good and people get real results, placebo maybe?
    need some help with this as it may be the tms just trying to keep my stress and anxiety going with a new thought, i always jump to conclusions. It seems this one though is a toughie to answer.

    --Bending freely is still something I need to work on sometimes I get it done with no thought. But other times TMS and fear get involved thinking I need to be careful. Its a viscous cycle. Any tips?
    I started the gym again! which has done wonders.

    -- Any other tips or anyone dealing with fusion/Spondy feel free to say anything you want it all helps!

    Thanks for listening and if the story doesn't sort of gel together too well it's because its 2am here and I'm half asleep already :)
  2. Alex Bloom LCSW

    Alex Bloom LCSW TMS Therapist

    Hi Kizaa,

    Some things to consider: can you track when you have pain and when you don't? Are there times when you are totally pain free? If I understood correctly, you said that after reading the MBP you have had "periods" where you were pain free. How long were these periods? What brought the pain back?

    The fact that you are able to have such powerful results reading Sarno and taking on the TMS diagnosis is a very good piece of evidence that your pain might not be structural. Pain resulting from physical damage doesn't spontaneously decide to come and go and move all around your body.
  3. Eric "Herbie" Watson

    Eric "Herbie" Watson Beloved Grand Eagle

    I believe I had the exact same name given to me when I was 15 years old. Your story sounds just like mine cept I was on the operating table 3 times but never received one. You sound exactly like you have TMS, With what you have had to experience after the operation too -- well that has just kept the pain roaring. Then You mentioned Girls or something in like a word so that can be mind pressure too. It all adds up to the emotions you've repressed and the current pressures you are under like thinking you'll never be the same again. I remember Sarno said the Spondyioleothesis if that's spelled right, I've never spelled it right -- there's 2 diagnosis that are spelled similar . I know one is a vertebra that has totally slipped forward -- that one was me and the Drs said that I was born with it too. My Dr. now says everyone is born with a mild form of it. I'm like cool, that means I'm normal.

    The good news is the Good Dr. Sarno said you'd be fine so I'd start the SEP program here so you will have direction and take Alex PPCs advice above. You are going to be fine now. Your in the right place.
    Bless You
  4. Kizaa

    Kizaa Peer Supporter

    Thanks for getting back to me, it feels really good to connect with people who understand.

    Alex I have become good at noticing when the pain is diminished and then returns, it's more of an ache, than a pain, but sometimes when I let my fear take over eg. ( thinking if this op will last till I'm old) I notice tightness creeping up slowly so it is closely linked with those emotions.

    Eric, good to hear from you, I've read lots of your posts they are fantastic.
    Yes that's the one, I had both the fracture and slip. Scary looking thing. I've even seen a TMS doc he strongly thinks I'm dealing with it.
    It gets to me sometimes as I think did I really need to go through all that? but the TMS doc was great he said Maybe fixing the structural problem & knowing it's fine now + combining TMS is the best way for you to heal. This did make me feel very good.
    Sometimes I think I had to go through it all and persist to discover mind body healing.

    Anyway I will look into the program and work in TMS daily.
    Thank you all :)
    Eric "Herbie" Watson likes this.
  5. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Herbie's advice is the best. Your TMS doctor's, too.
    Most of us go through a lot before we work on TMS and it heals our pain.
    Some feel they've lost some years before getting TMS knowledge,
    but I say be glad you got it whenever it came to you and go on from there pain-free
    and knowing how to use TMS to heal if pain comes on again.
    Eric "Herbie" Watson likes this.
  6. Alex Bloom LCSW

    Alex Bloom LCSW TMS Therapist

    Hi Kizaa,

    Just an observation: it seems like you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure. Pressure to heal, pressure to figure out exactly what's happening, pressure to research every little element of your pain and it's particularity. Addressing TMS is about treating yourself with care and compassion. By pressuring yourself to not feel the pain and to figure out what's happening to you down to the smallest detail, you are continuing to send yourself the message that there is something wrong with you. The pain becomes an obsession and the fear that arises from it becomes normalized.

    When you notice your anxious and obsessive thoughts creeping in, that is your signal to bring yourself into the moment and check in with your emotions and how you are experiencing them. I say in the moment because it seems as though some of your fear is tied to projections about the future. So you are burdening yourself not just with the pain in the moment, but all the pressure and fear of what's to come with questions like "will I be like this forever?". It's a double whammy. So when you start to get on the anxiety train you can slow yourself down, check in, and see how you are feeling. You can begin to practice getting off and letting the train leave the station without you.

    My mentor, Alan Gordon, has a mindfulness exercise posted on the wiki. You can check it out here.
    Eric "Herbie" Watson likes this.
  7. Kizaa

    Kizaa Peer Supporter

    That is basically spot on Alex, I'm trying hard to work at this I'm always feeling pressure even in moments of no pain. I just want to start doing everything. Being 22 and feeling like I've missed out on 2 years really doesn't help further contributing to anxieties to " hurry up and beat this" even though I realise it's a gradual process.

    My future predictions also are playing a big role. Slowly tying to be more in the now. Sometimes the feeling of having the operation bothers me as I feel "compromised" compared to my friends. If you get what I mean. Trying to understand, and realise that I'm physically ok and that these are psychological manifestations is tough. I'm slowly chipping away at it.

    Thanks for the link and advice!
    Eric "Herbie" Watson likes this.
  8. Sheree

    Sheree Well known member

    Hi Kyrin,
    What I would advise you to do, is to visualise yourself some time ahead, free from any pain and enjoying life. When you reach this stage (and you will) you will not be worried about those two years. They will become a distant memory, but you will have what a lot of 22 year olds do not have. You will have all that knowledge of your experience so as not to repeat it. Plus you will have the added bonus of appreciating life far more than someone that has not suffered as you have. Take your time and you will get there.
  9. Sheree

    Sheree Well known member

    Just to add - watch the videos on the following post. He is a young man like yourself, and his success story is very inspirational.

    Complete Success Story Uploaded on Youtube
    Discussion in 'Success Stories Subforum' started by psychosomatic, Jan 8, 2014.
  10. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Kyrin.
    You're very lucky to have discovered TMS at age 22.
    I'll be 84 in June and didn't learn about TMS until two years ago.
    I could have handled pain, anxiety, fear, worry, etc. a lot, lot better years ago
    if I had known about TMS. But I don't consider the years between lost years.
    I came through a lot, the hard way. Now I'm just grateful for having spent time
    on TMS and my repressed emotions. Lots of people of all ages don't know it yet.

    So as Sheree says, take your time and think TMS and you'll heal and have
    a wonderful life ahead.
  11. Kizaa

    Kizaa Peer Supporter

    Thanks for the info guys, it helps a lot.
    Walt better late than never as they say!
    I was at the beach yesterday down here in Melbourne, I was tight again on my right checked my mood and found I was overthinking and upset watching everyone get on with it. By the end of the day I gave in though and it got to me, started thinking physical. It's a tough battle sometimes.

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