My story - still fighting

Hi guys,

It took me a long time to write my story and post it here (about a year). But here it is finally. Since 2005 my life was and in a way still is plagued by the symptoms of which I came to believe are caused by TMS. Although I've had excellent result with healing some conditions involving my muscles and tendons my job was only half done. I came here for any advice you might give me to help me finalize my battle against TMS. But first something about me and my character traits that will bring more deeper insight into my problems. I wanted to go in detail in here as much as possible especially with my past and childhood. I hope my story will make a difference and help those in need to fight this condition. If you want to skip this part just scroll down a bit.
Some of my character traits: Perfectionism, people pleaser, non conformist , emotional, can hold grudges for a long time, care too much about opinion of others and maintaining my self image which is actually a mask I put on. And every time that mask is threatened I become stressed.
I am now 33 year old male and my problems begun in 2005. As a child I grew up in a small mountain village in the house of my grandparents raised by my mother. My father was working abroad and was home just 2-3 months a year so he was not present so much while I was growing up. Around 1986 we moved to a small town in a costal region of my country. My father was still mostly working abroad. In the first grade of elementary school I've started to show signs of hyperactivity which influenced my grades quite a bit. Teachers were not so much sympathetic to my case taking we were living in a communist country where discipline and good behavior were important. I was not a bad student all F's I've got were because of my behavior. My mother did not take that so well. She took it a bit too much personal in my opinion. It did not sit well with her when teachers on the parents meeting were talking about my behavior in front of other parents. Since we moved in a new town where people were a bit different it was a big pressure on her trying to fit in and show others we are good as them if not better. I do not blame her, she was alone without my dad to comfort her or support her. She was never content with my grades, behavior and I was never honest with her nor did I ever told her I've got an F out of fear of her reaction. But every time she got back from parents meeting there was a psychological pressure on me from her side. I was never good enough and my mother was always telling me why I am not more like this kid or that kid that basically had better grades and behavior then me. I think that messed up my self confidence quite a bit. I've preferred more staying at home playing computer then big companies of kids. Around my 7th or 8th year I've started to suffer from disabling pollen allergy and had to go to hospital for treatment so they can clear up my sinuses. I've also had one case of IBS in elementary school i think it was third or a forth grade when teacher punished me my standing straight in the class facing the wall. I've felt cramps and pain in my intensities and had diarrhea. I do not know why but I remember that day very well. High school had its pressures but I've passed trough it without any bigger problems. I was always more emotional and sensitive then others so some situations were practically hard on me. IBS happened from time to time in form of cramps and diarrhea, highschool ended and I went to collage in a nearby city. In collage I've had this rebellious phase against society, religion etc. I was going out a lot drinking and having fun , but was lacking some social skills since I've spent years on computer. I've ignored my studies in a way I did not see myself in that collage nor working that job nor did I find it interesting. Money was not a big motivation in life I did not know what I really wanted to do. So I came back to my hometown and hook up with elementary school friends. My life in next 4 years revolved around playing computer games and going out smoking pot with my friends. I consider it very good 4 years of my life, woryless and I think I kind got used to that state of mind. In 2004 my parents got frustrated with my way of life and my father came to my room and said to me that I am coming with him to work abroad. It was very hard for me to leave everything and travel to the other side of the world but hey at least my dad was with me, he showed me around the job and it was well. I've did 2 contracts with my father for his company. Before I went on a second one I've fell deeply in love with one girl, but I've had to leave soon and that put a lot of pressure on me. That contract I was very tense and stressed out. People there were not so good as people I've worked with on a last contract and I was beginning to feel job is not for me. Irony is I was good at it, constant tension made me focused on a job and company was pleased with me. I was smoking a lot during that time, 2 packs a day. When I came back home I've felt like a wreck, something was different about me. I went out with my friends to have a good time but I've found myself constantly worrying, questioning and I could not relax as I used to. Third contract was coming up and I was supposed to go and work alone this time. It started to stress me out and it became so bad I've had to tell my parents I am quitting that job which did not sit well with my father. A month after that I've woke up with such a severe anxiety I've started to vomit. I could not eat normally for few weeks. I've went to see a psychiatrist and she told me I suffer from severe case of anxiety. It was so strong that even when I drank 2 anti-anxiety pills at once it would not subside much. My life became hell and I could not function anymore. Anxiety started to mix with depression. Next 4 years were hard, a lot of tension in me and worry. In 2008 anxiety subsided and first physical manifestations came.
First thing to appear were eye floaters that scared me and made me tense even more. After some time I've got used to them and after one emotionally stressful summer I've started to have chest pains near heart. Went to do the tests all was fine with a heart and it turned up to be GERD. It as well freaked me out until I've found out what actually is but after some time it subsided. It would come back from time to time during course of years but did not last long, only few days. I've also had some kidney and bladder pains during years that made me worry, I've thought it was because of kidney stones but it was more connected to prostate. Around 2009 I've entered short and volatile relationship and when it ended I was stressed out for next few months about it. I've had few more relationships in the past but more as field trips then serious ones. In 2010 I've entered a new relationship with a girl who was very supportive to me. In that relationship I was avoidant I do not really know why I've felt this way but I kinda tend to do that after I get close with someone. In September 2010 I've started to experience pain in my right wrist while working on my computer. I've switched to left hand and after 1 week same exact symptoms were in a left hand. By the middle of October I could not drive a car or open bottles. Since I worked with computers a lot it started to worry me and stress me out. I was obsessed with my hands. I did few physical therapies with small results. Ultrasound and MRI showed chronic tendon inflammation and it started to move towards my elbows and shoulders. Supplements like Turmeric and anti inflammatory creams provided a brief and short relief from symptoms. This lasted for 3 years. Pain would subside from time to time but never really went away. During that time I've developed knee pain and tinnitus with mild TMJ. When symptom at one part of the body was strong other ones subsided a bit. Tinnitus was ever present I've just learned to ignore it. Nowadays most of the time I do not hear it. I also had attacks of ringing noise in my ears but that kinda went away as I relaxed a bit. In February 2013 another physical therapy was coming up but I did some research and found out about doctor Sarno's work. I've ordered 2 of his books: The Mindbody Prescription and Divided mind. I've red The Mindbody prescription 3 times and few stories I've found on TMS Wiki . Then I set down and started to work on my computer. There was pain yes. But I have noticed pain would reach certain level and would never go above it. I was working an hour a day on computer I've had pain and tingling and some discomfort during the night. Doubt was ever present but I've pushed on and managed to increase my work hours on a computer to 4. In next 2 months there was significant improvement and I could work normally will occasional flare ups which I've learned to ignore and they went away. Around that time my 3 year old relationship ended which created a an emotional strain on me. And 4 months later I have started to suffer from pretty much strong symptoms of GERD. I went to doc, got the pills but there is no significant improvement in my situation. 2 months after GERD started I was diagnosed with bacterial protestations from which I've managed to recover. I have as well noticed when prostatits symptoms were strong GERD ones were low and vice versa. Meanwhile my grandmother ended up in hospital to undergo a risky surgery. During that time I've had to start taking 40mg PPI twice a day instead 20mg for my reflux and even on that strong dosage I could feel reflux acting up. I've had 2 interesting dreams during that time. One was of my grandmothers funeral. I did cry in the dream but crying became more of a long scream of rage and anger. In second dream I was cursing and swearing at some person also filled with anger and resentment. I have suppressed a lot of anger and conflict in me. My hands are 95% ok now and I have resumed my normal activities with them, knee pain is gone, TMJ and tinnitus are on minimum. Only GERD left. I suffer for 6 months now, it is like most of TMS symptoms quite strong and its affecting my quality of life. I came here for any more advice you can give me to help me finally resolve my TMS. The only method I did not try yet is journaling. Do you suggest I use pen and paper or I can keep journal on my laptop ? I have started to read Pain Deception book by Steven Ray Ozanich in last few days. I also can't relax the way I want to. I wake up tired in the mornings and bit depressed.
I wish to thank you all in advance for reading my story and for any advice you might send my way. Sorry for if my grammar was a bit awkward English is not my native language.

 

Hi Hurin,

Welcome to the Forum! Your English is just fine and what you've written is very clear.

Journaling is an excellent technique for uncovering the repressed emotions that are the source of TMS. I don't think it matters if it you journal with pen and paper or on the computer. Just do it in whatever way is easiest for you. The important thing is doing it, as it is a powerful tool to demonstrate to your unconscious that you are no longer afraid of your repressed emotions and are willing to face them. This makes the need for using pain as a distraction technique go away.

Practicing mindfulness meditation is a good technique for helping you with relaxation and with TMS.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing and feel to ask questions at any time. We are all here to support one another.

 

Hi Hurin,
Thanks so much for writing. I found that journalling is really helpful. I found out things about myself that I really had no awareness of. In fact, I had no idea that I was such a perfectionist until I started looking at what was causing pressure for me. Have you tried the 42 day Structured Education PRogram found on this wiki - http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program. I followed it faithfully and it gave me so much more awareness, hope and a way different way to relate to the TMS. I am not fully healed but so much better. Like you, I am searching for that final piece to nail TMS in the coffin. But I keep coming back to the forum for reminders to be patient, to be grateful for the recovery that I have had and of course for new tips and resources to take care of myself in a more compassionate way. Keep us posted!!

 

That you very much for advice and guidelines you've gave me. Its nice to know I am not alone in this and that are always good people around to help. I will follow your advice and embark on Structured Education Program after I am done reading Steve's book. In a last year I did a lot of psycho-archeology and found out many things about myself from the past. I am bit aware of my emotions now then I was before, but as you've said I have to write them down. And of course I will keep you posted

 

Hurin, your first post telling about your childhood makes me think your pain may mostly be from the stresses
of those years. The SEP is a really helpful program, and as nowtimecoach says, it can help in many ways.

I try to think about myself being as nice and good a guy as I think my best friend is.

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says, "Lord, please make me be the person my dog thinks I am!"

 

Thank you Walt for your advice