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My Story of Illness and Recovery

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NickBacarella

NickBacarella

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Hi everyone!

My name is Nick and I've been on the forums since early 2020. I've always been a lurker till now -- I think at the time that I found this site, I was suffering too much to even ask questions, let alone offer advice or support to anyone else.

Four years later, I feel not just back to my old self -- I'm better off than I've ever been. There were numerous times I thought I'd never dig myself out of my condition (which I'd been calling "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" before find the TMS Wiki). I still don't have it all figured out, but the difference now is that I know that that's okay -- we're all learning a little bit more every day about our minds, our bodies, and the relationship between the two. I couldn't be happier to be writing these words!

For those interested, I've also started a Substack chronicling my experiences. I've always had admiration for the written word, and even at my worst, I envisioned a future where I was healthy and excited to write about what I'd learned. The blog is called Inner Machinations, and you can find it at the link below:

https://innermachinations.substack.com/ (Inner Machinations | Nick Bacarella | Substack)

My hope is that I'll both do justice to the difficulties of TMS and bring some levity to the recovery process for others. This path is tumultuous, yes, but it's also full of reminders that there's an easier life awaiting all of us down the road.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts -- I'll see all of you around the forums!

Nick Bacarella
 
Thank you so much, Kittyruns! Very excited to have you aboard.

If there's anything in particular you'd like to read about, please let me know! I want to respond to the interests of readers -- this thing will only go so far as readers want to take it!
 
Hi Nick. I read your blog.
Thanks for recommending the books and for sharing your story.

Take care.
 
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[edit: the following was in response to a post which has since been removed, so now it's out of context!]
PS @NickBacarella - your book list is YOUR book list, not anyone else's list, and it is 100% valid and 100% relevant to YOUR experience which you are choosing to share with others. I urge you to keep it as is. I continue to recommend at least one seminal mindbody book which others have criticized as being too terrifying for people who are in fear - for me, it's still one of the three primary books I credit for my recovery back in 2011.

The whole point of this work is to understand, acknowledge, and accept our fear response, and to live our lives in spite of it. Avoidance of an idea because it's frightening is completely counter-productive to recovery. I will refer to this post just today from @Ellen: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/janathecpa-beloved-grand-eagle-on-the-cure-for-chronic-pain.28329/#post-147455 (@JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle on The Cure For Chronic Pain)
 
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Thanks both for your kind words and your suggestion about my book list, @JanAtheCPA! I certainly don't treat it as a fixed set of recommendations -- by no means do I think I have a thorough catalog of everything that people in recovery can use! As and when I come across resources that I think could be helpful, I'll add them. I'd just want to vet them first, since I'd be personally recommending them on the blog.

I think @Ellen's point in your linked thread is spot on -- if you have a strong, viscerally negative reaction to an idea... there's a good chance that's the one you most need to hear!
 
It's been brought to my attention (by the very helpful @JanAtheCPA) that Substack can be confusing for new users! For those having any difficulty, the easiest thing to do is hit the "Subscribe" button and enter your email. That way, you never need to use the Substack website -- the posts will come directly to your email inbox.

Hopefully that's helpful!
 
Good info Nick!

Again, I recommend Nick's blog y'all - he's a really good writer and I enjoy his not-so-serious take on the self-discovery involved in doing the work :D It's good storytelling!
 
Nearly a year later... updating this thread to say that the Substack has become a podcast!

Root Podcast

My co-host Dan and I decided to call this show "Root" because, in a sense, that's what all TMS sufferers are doing as they heal -- getting to the root of their pain and the underlying emotional issues. Please join us over on Spotify! :)
 
I had "chronic fatigue syndrome" for about 3 months. After a particularly severe bout of anxiety I found myself experiencing a degree of fatigue unfelt before. My heartrate was high and would rise higher still if I ventured even to the toilet. Then, around the 6th or 7th day, I started to feel a bit better and went for a bike ride. Boom. The next day I was almost incapacitated with fatigue. I repeated this cycle 4 or 5 times before I discovered "CFS" and Post-Exertion Malaise online. Google says only 5% of people make a recovery; the rest never dance again. I was crestfallen.

Then I discovered the Sarno world, which gave me incredible hope but my "CFS" persisted. As long as I didn't exert myself, I was able to stumble through the day with what felt like a hangover. Then one day, I read something on this very website. I think it was a TMS therapist responding to a question. He didn't say anything I hadn't read before but something just clicked upon my reading it. I dragged myself to a coffee shop that night to join some friends. I felt rough but optimistic. Then I woke up the next morning and my fatigue was gone.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to repeat the trick with anxiety yet - my main TMS symptom - but my recovery from debilitating fatigue gives me great confidence.
 
Well, I hope you'll read Nick's blog and listen to the new podcast, @Thomas M. Shields, since you're posting here, and because Nick does a really nice job bringing this all together. However, if you'd like to have a discussion about your anxiety, my recommendation is to start your own thread under the Support subforum so that this thread remains focused on Nick and the helpful resources he's sharing :).
 
Thomas M. Shields said:
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to repeat the trick with anxiety yet - my main TMS symptom - but my recovery from debilitating fatigue gives me great confidence.
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Thomas,
Have you read Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes? She is the expert on healing anxiety. She’s helped me immensely!
 
Diana-M said:
Thomas,
Have you read Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes? She is the expert on healing anxiety. She’s helped me immensely!
Click to expand...

Somebody bought that book for me. To be honest though, I found it quite underwhelming. Given it was written in 1962, the author had only tenuous inclination towards the knowledge that Sarno and his medical heirs would be able to share with us decades later. Whatever works for you though!
 
Thomas M. Shields said:
Somebody bought that book for me. To be honest though, I found it quite underwhelming. Given it was written in 1962, the author had only tenuous inclination towards the knowledge that Sarno and his medical heirs would be able to share with us decades later. Whatever works for you though!
Click to expand...

The book isn’t written about chronic pain, it’s written for anxiety, and she has an excellent grasp on the anxiety which usually proceeds or accompanies TMS to our lack of awareness…
 
Cactusflower said:
The book isn’t written about chronic pain, it’s written for anxiety, and she has an excellent grasp on the anxiety which usually proceeds or accompanies TMS to our lack of awareness…
Click to expand...

The best and most consistently reliable remedy that I've found for my anxiety is exercise but chronic fatigue and persistent injuries have proven to be frustrating obstacles. I'm not sure if the injuries are TMS or if real structural damage was taking place due to unrelaxed muscles.

In any case, I think the manosphere gets this part right. Without going through the 'power process' (Ted Kaczynski) and without fulfilling one's duty as a hero (as per the European mythological canon), a man will not derive psychological satisfaction from life. In absence of the need to strangle wild pigs in a forest or even the pursuit of a business venture in 2025, a man needs to find his 'surrogate activity' (Ted again) and the easiest, most accessible, most effective one is physical exercise. I think this is partially true for women too but I suspect their psycholgical needs are more closely tied to childrearing and the more nurturing aspects of their sex.

As valuable as Sarno's insights have been, I think some TMSers and therapists have a tendency to downplay lifestyle. If we are to change our thought patterns, then we have to meet our mind's halfway and built robust organs up there.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
so that this thread remains focused on Nick and the helpful resources he's sharing
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Nobody paid attention to this and I'm not happy about it.

This thread has gone completely off topic and I'm shutting it down. Sorry people, this is something I rarely do, but again - not happy. I need time to think about what to do with these posts. Maybe I'll sleep on it and do nothing, or maybe I'll delete them and y'all can start over somewhere else as I had suggested. You can DM me if you want to discuss it.
 
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