My Story and in need of advice

[jimbabwe92]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks to any and all who read this and can provide me some advice. Truly appreciated.

I am a 26 year old male, formerly very active (loved to hike, competed as a Muay Thai fighter, and ran marathons) who has been struggling with what I believe to be TMS for the past two years.

Two years ago I had graduated Physical Therapy school and went on a solo backpacking trip across SE asia, even attending a Muay Thai fight camp in Thailand. I had been training a lot and noticed that my back would hurt in the morning. As a fighter, I just shrugged it off and kept on with my training. But then one day I woke up with excruciating back pain. I attributed it to the training at the time but realize now that there were definitely some family stresses going on at the time.

I waited a year before deciding to get an MRI since I learned in PT school about decreased outcomes w/ pre emptive MRI. They found two disc bulges which in my mind didn't really change anything. Fast forward two months from that and I found Sarno's healing back pain and decided to take that approach. I have even been seeing a TMS therapist.

But these past few weeks I have begun to feel pretty frustrated and have begun to feel doubt creep into my mind. The back pain is improved but it is still very much there; particularly when I have to lift at my job or even at the most random times. I also have foot pain that has been worsening and isn't really letting up. I've seen two separate podiatrist both of whom weren't able to provide any real answers (one of them insisted I get surgery right away because I had rolled my ankle back when I was 11 lol). This may be the symptom imperative but I just don't know anymore. I am scared of injuring myself further.

Overall, I think I am pretty lucky in that while I have pain I am generally still pretty functional. I work in a hospital where I meet people living with truly severe chronic pain and disability and can't believe how fortunate I am. But I often find myself catastrophizing however and can't help but wonder if that is also in my future. I am just so tired of putting on a brave face all the time. And being the only one among my friends who seems to be having all these health issues.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi jimbabwe92,

Welcome to the Wiki and Forum. It seems you have some pretty good evidence that this is TMS, and I suppose your therapist is supporting this view too. Foot pain which does not go away and they "don't know what's wrong" points to TMS. And I think you have the right perspective on the disc bulges.

Fear is a symptom of TMS. Pain creates a fearful feeling. You might read and use Alan Gordon's program http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program)
Many have found this reassuring. Good luck. Remember that each person finds their own way in their own time.

Andy B

 

[Baseball65]

Hey hey!
Everything your talking about symptom wise is consistent. Remember from reading HBP that the ischemia can cause symptoms anywhere along the line .... and not necessarily contiguously. I had 'shin splints' my whole life that never got solved. After I read 'Healing Back Pain' I realized they only bugged me in December when I was Number one 'bee-otch' at a Christmas tree lot and most of our customers were really mean, whiny trophy wives. My job was to put out the 'fires' of their complaints (Ow... my shins are killing me!). I didn't have shin splints. That was a different 'trick' of the sciatic-ischemia-mambo. As soon as I realized what it was, it went away...permanently. Never came back. That was 20 years ago.

That working in and around people in the pain system is a tough one! I got 100% symptom free on my first try after reading HBP But one of my many strategies was I didn't even say words like 'disc' 'surgery' 'ligament' 'sciatica'. If someone started talking about their symptoms I got scarce fast. In one of his later books Sarno wrote about the Nocebo. I can't tell you how many times I have been talking to someone about their...Knee trouble maybe?...and the next day my knee is stiff... Or something weird like Teeth, and the next day I have a tooth issue. Hell, sometimes I have to stay off this forum for a minute lest my subconscious devise some sinister new strategy (LOL)

You are the only one having these issues because you are probably the most conscientious member of your social circle. I noticed that BUMS never get TMS. Only people who actually give a shit about the world and other people get TMS. Also you are in your late twenties... your 'responsible' years are kicking in... In fact, Maybe when you were out at the fight camp some unheard voice in you was saying "This isn't being responsible.... you oughta be doing...blah,blah,blah". Of the guys I speak and work with who get TMS I would say 'thirty-something' is the good target age... You are finally becoming a complete 'man' and the subterranean responsibility monster just shifted.

You don't have to change to get free... just realize that the nature of who you are is what causes this. That realization WILL stop the symptoms in their tracks.

 

[Aaricia]

Hi @jimbabwe92!

I hear you form the bottoms of my heart. I came to the forum today to get some help as well since and I was about to share same hopeless thought that you have and I’m so happy I did.
The only thing that I have to say is to listen to the guys above-they know what is going on and can help you.
What I know form my experience and realized recently is that we, the TMSers, are the only persons in the wold that can help ourselves. Not dr, other people here, tms therapist, mom or neighbor. Only you can help yourself. I know how easy it would be to have a pill or someone heal us with a magic touch, but it’s not possible. It’s beautiful and very scary at the same time.

I’m at the point of my healing where I loose my hopes sometimes too. But I don’t let them scare me, or think about catastrophic future to come. That is what your brain wants, any type of certainty, even hopeless one is better for the brain. Try not to think about it. And remember, it’s ok to feel sad and depressed. You are in pain. No wonder you feel that way. Give yourself time to feel it, sit down with your pain and feel, listen. I’ve been trying this for some time and I can hear that my body is very scared recently and that’s ok. I try to hug this little girl inside and comfort her like I would comfort my 7 years old daughter. With knowledge and love. Think what would you tell your friend or relative if he would experience the pain and thoughts that you have? Would you tell him that it’s never going to end? That he will suffer for the rest of his life? Of course not! So why do you scare yourself with thoughts like that? Think about it.

Good luck with your journey! And remember it’s ok to have sad face as well! But remember, all our emotions are temporary, they will go away.