I've had so many revelations about myself, but I noticed I've been still searching deeper and deeper for answers. As of this moment in time, I have to be 100% honest with myself: I've always had the answers. I've ALWAYS known my issues stemmed from anxiety and fear (and oversensitized nerves). I've always known what I needed in order to recover (lifestyle changes such as consistent exercise, filling my life with things that are joyful and give me purpose, etc), but for years I've been STILL searching for a cure. Why? Because I want a quick fix. I've always shyed away from anything that feels like work. Little did I know, my fear of work (or perhaps fear of living) has impacted every area of my life. I've been trying to take short cuts and press the 'easy button' my whole life. I realize I can't do that anymore. As of now, I fully believe that chronic pain is absolutely a distraction method and a means to protect me. And in my case, it's definitely been protecting me from anything that resembles work (jobs, relationships, exercise, building a career, etc), basically LIFE itself. I realize now why every time I read a success story and someone says, "get back to living your life" I get irritated and angry. Life requires so much hard work that I don't want to do. It's why I never wanted to get married, or have kids. It's why I went to school for art instead of pursuing medicine. It's why I'm 33 years old, not working and live at home with my parents. It's why every time a therapist recommends me getting a job, I fire that therapist and get a new one. It's why I daydream so much. And so on and so forth. Now I'm asking myself: do I REALLY want to recover? Do I REALLY want to get out of survival mode and thrive? Do I REALLY want to feel good, be happy and get back to living? Am I willing to do what it takes to fully recover? Do I want to live a fulfilling life? Honestly, I can't say that I do. I'm very comfortable in my misery. I'm not going to beat myself up about it though. This is my truth for now. I just want to believe there's hope for me. I've been this way since I was a small child. So, what if this is just my personality?? It's like, I have hope that I can heal, but there's a major part of me that doesn't believe I have what it takes to heal. It's like deeply rooted laziness. Again, not beating myself up. Just being honest, as I believe honesty is the number one key to healing. I realized whenever I repeat, "there's nothing wrong with me" I don't actually believe it, because I believe I have a personality defect. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.