Day 37 Moving along

[yvettebetancourt]

I really liked the Day 37 video with Nicole Sach's story. I had similar feelings about motherhood and it took me a long time to admit it. I was fortunate enough to have some good friends, who felt similar and we allowed each other a" safe space" to say "I hate being a parent" on a regular basis and still do, even with older kids. We knew we were all excellent mothers, who adored our children. I think admitting this made us better parents, but it did come with a lot of guil, t initially. Now I see it as the "journal speak" she mentions. Just words to alleviate ourselves with. Not the truth. I go as far as to say sometimes " I would not do parenting again". I am not sure I really mean it, but let it go at that. I did it and the kids are awesome human beings.

Finding an outlet to communicate frustration and anger is not always easy, as we are supposed to rationalize all this stuff away. I am learning the language to better express it to myself and others, without turning into a WWIII with myself and others. So far, so good.

The outcome independence concept taught here is also starting to filter into my life in a positive way. I think it is crucial for my ongoing success. I never realized how I wanted things to be "just so" all the time. Its part of my success overall in life, but a massive curse likely needing to chronic pain issues. Saying I don't know what will happen ultimately happen is a very interesting concept for me.

On a personal note, my 18 year old son moved out after HS graduation after I set the post graduation plan in motion. I simply could not co-habitate with him anymore. A guilt-ridden decision I had to make, but I saw it as part of my recovery. He moved to FL with his Dad and is finding his own new perspective living with his Dad and his Dad's wonderful girlfriend who is having a great influence on him. He even sent me a message about how much he missed me and he is glad I have some time to myself. Even said I was a great Mom and thanked me!

I find myself living alone for the 1st time in my life. I love it and am very interested in what this will bring. A chance for a lot of reflection and change.

My back troubles me off/on, but as long as I relax, don't overschedule myself , exercise and don't let it consume me, I do OK. Have not been this active in years. Hike, bike, workout , camp, and loving the amazing place I live in. Acknowledging anger and fear every step of the way, are clearly the crux of this process.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Yvette. Your post is terrific and so is your handling of TMS. Parental guilt can be a whopper (although I know nothing
first-hand because I am a bachelor). It's great that your son thanks you for being a great mom. You took him and yourself
through the difficult years and you can relax now and thank yourself for the great job you did.

I enjoy being alone. I have a darling dog, and that makes me happy. You are active and getting exercise, which will help
you get over any pain that comes along. You got it right about acknowledging anger and fear. Overcoming them
are the great healers.

Enjoy your weekend and all the days to come.

 

[blake]

Hello Yvette,

Thank you for posting such an uplifting story. I really enjoyed Nicole Sach's story, as well, and plan on reading her book soon.

I'm just wondering how you went about overcoming the guilt about your son moving in with his dad. What are some of the things you said to yourself or did for yourself that helped you eventually find inner peace about your decision? As a people-pleaser, I struggle with a lot of guilt, especially when it comes to my role as a daughter. I get really stuck in the "but she's your mom" logic and that is keeping me tuck in a pretty toxic situation.
All the best to you and thanks again for your story.

 

[yvettebetancourt]

Hi Blake,

Thanks for the kind words The build up to asking my son to move out had been happening for about a year. It became clear that though my son loves me, he had no respect for my wishes in the mutual house we shared. He is not a bad kid, just absolutely refused to do some basic things I asked him without a battle (garbage, walk dog, clean room etc). Pretty basic stuff. After struggling with these issues since he was 5, I felt my sanity was at stake. I didn't want to ruin my future relationship with him and THAT was what made me do it. To preserve a future with him, I had to ask him to leave. His initial reaction was to not speak with me for 10 days. I was crushed, but resolute. I felt I had to do it, that is about all I can say. He then came back, apologized and moved out. WE are on solid footing again and I see a new kid emerging.

The mother issue is much more tricky. My mother has manipulated me for many years. She is loving, caring but not a great communicator. She has a lot of platitudes and prejudices up her sleeve, which drives me nuts. So a true sharing experience with her is next to impossible. I have accepted that. With that said, when my brother and I need her, she is on a plane and THERE. Thus, the conflict and guilt on my side. I went to therapy for 6 months specifically to deal with my son AND Mom. Two people who I love very much that manipulate me and I have trouble communicating with. I simply could not do this conflict/anger resolution on my own. The therapist gave me a "word box", I call it. Words to deal with them with both for SPEAKING and in my HEAD. i.e. Talk with mom = "shallow but she loves me" in my head etc. Then he helped me look forward to how to improve the relationship(s) in the future. I have worked on this with my son, but not my Mom yet. She is very controlling and I had to move 3,00 miles away to allow us some space. She senses something different in me and is behaving different. The therapist also told me 1. I was still trying to please her 2. I do not need her anymore and can do what I want with my life. Things I did not want to face.

I would say when the frustration is "bursting" inside of you it is ether time to 1. get professional help 2. get a lot of space and time between you and the cause. That is about all I know so far.

Hope this helps somewhat.

So much work to do!

 

[blake]

Hi Yvette,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. sounds like you've made great headway with your relationships with your son and mother. I really admire your courage in dealing with these two important people in your lives. I'm really happy your relationship with your son is now better; just goes to prove that self-care is good for everyone.

You've given me plenty to think about. I especially like the word box idea: it's like categorizing the relationship in order to adjust my expectation, instead of always expecting more and being disappointed. Makes a lot of sense to me. Your idea about therapy is a good one, too. I'm looking into it right now, actually.

All the best to you and thanks again for your thoughts!

 

[yvettebetancourt]

You are very welcome. Parents are very tricky. We want to be loving children, no matter what. But they have to do their part respect wise. I think addressing it at some point will help. I needed some tools.

 

[Forest]

Heya, both, sorry to drop in late in the conversation, but I thought I'd mention in case you hadn't already seen it (which I bet you have) that Nicole will be joining us on our Tuesday night group starting Tuesday. These would be great questions to share there if you ate up for sharing.