Day 25 Missing out on important relationships

[Endless luke]

Today is supposed to be about something I need to journal on and the first two things I thought about writing on were exhaustion and loneliness. The exhaustion symptom has been killing me lately and I would dearly love to get beyond it and I think feeling alone/abandoned is one of my core issues but I think I'm going to write about missing out on having a relationship with my mother.

I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and I have often needed to protect myself from her but today I'd like to think about what it means that we haven't had a relationship. It's obviously played into how I have a sort of desperation when it comes to current dating and relationship- I'm looking to replace a love that I never had. I've been becoming more conscious of this connection lately and it has enabled me to (mostly) let go of this desire to be cared for. Instead every day where I live independently and just deal with the emotions that come up I count as a victory. It's an incredibly slow road but I can definitely see that I approach life and other other people differently now.

I think I refuse to miss my mother. I don't know how to let in those parts that would miss her or feel kindly towards her while I still feel a need to protect myself from her. I think that I would have something to gain if I could allow the fact that she loves me to sink in but I just can't do it. It's impossible for me to both protect myself from someone and have a loving relationship with them.

Does that mean I can't miss her?

The last time that she visited me she left me a scrapbook from when I was a child to show that we used to have a good relationship. It seemed to me like it was yet another attempt from her to manipulate me so I haven't looked at it. Even if it wasn't an attempt it seems useless to torture myself with looking at it if I'm still going to run into this problem where I can't receive love if she is willing to hurt me.

I'm in a situation with two bad choices and have to choose the least harmful one.

According to a couple of sources that I respect my desire to protect myself is something that I need to get beyond. Dr. Schubiner and the book The Presence Process both recommend getting past it. Right now this just doesn't seem feasible to me. Breaking off communication with her and not trying to get her to understand me has been one of the healthiest things I've ever done. I'm not willing to give it up yet.

So is there some way I can do this in a more limited fashion- just allow myself to miss her without communicating with her? Or to just allow myself to miss that we didn't have a relationship?

I think I just don't want to go backwards. I tried having a relationship for so long. I tried for many years to create a relationship and to be heard by her. It was an act of utmost sanity to realize it was going nowhere and to start to put my energy towards things which I can change.

Plus even if I decided it would be a good idea to miss her I don't know how to go about it. For now the best option I have is to be there for myself and not to look for love from others. While it's a struggle I have had remarkable success so far. I have withstood the emotions and grown. Plus I've learned to gain support from other people and not to isolate myself.

I do think that there might be something that I in terms of acknowledging my conflicted emotions- it's just that I can't figure out what it would be.

 

[yb44]

I think I refuse to miss my mother. I don't know how to let in those parts that would miss her or feel kindly towards her while I still feel a need to protect myself from her. I think that I would have something to gain if I could allow the fact that she loves me to sink in but I just can't do it. It's impossible for me to both protect myself from someone and have a loving relationship with them.

Does that mean I can't miss her?

.

Wow, you took the words right out of my own head about my relationship or lack there of with my own mother. I want to miss my mother but there just isn't much to miss. I mourn the loss of a childhood with no close bond to my mother but at some stage I will need to move on. The therapist I have been seeing recommended I read a book called Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt. I am part way through so am still bookmarking sections to go back to and ponder over later. I have also made a list of 'charges' against my mother, from my earliest memory to the present day. There are a few positive memories tucked in amongst the bad ones but it is almost like I want to disregard those for the moment. I am not ready to accept them yet. Interesting that your mom put together a scrapbook. I am assuming these would be her memories editing out anything negative or anything that would put her in a bad light.

It is great that you have not isolated yourself and get what you need from other people. I suspect your mother is a fair bit younger than mine so you have the luxury of time on your side to live, grow and heal.

 

[Endless luke]

Yb44,
It's comforting to hear your comments. I think it's good that you wrote out the charges- I think one of the challenges that I've had is just knowing that I'm not crazy for thinking what she did was really harmful. This is especially important because my dad always took her side. So I ended up storing all these arguments and defenses in my head. That's not the best place for them to stay and I'm doing a few things that are helping: not communicating with her, communicating with other people (such as this forum), and journaling.