Misguided anger

[Mani]

At the start of my tms symptoms i was online a lot. I engaged with politics discussions. I am a well meaning guy, but my words never came across. I’d be called names when all i wanted to do was have a conversation.

I would go online onto Twitter or Instagram or Tiktok or whatever and wherever i went people seemed to blame me for their problems. I used to really get angered and frustrated by that. “What did i do now?” I clicked on the posts that triggered me and saw this intense hatred towards me — this kept me in a loop of endless frustration. I’d feel wronged and would join whatever community to ‘set the record straight’. This is a product of being online. If you go into the world and live with people of all kinds, you’ll find that most of us really mean well — and get along with each other incredibly well. In real life, people dont hate each other like they do online

Its when you go online and enter these echo chambers, full of hateful people who are full of misguided anger, you’ll lose touch and enter a vicious circle of hate.

I feel wronged by certain people, passionate about other topics, I could engage with them all day. But when people personally insulted me, I’d go into shock. Id be so hurt that people hated me so much and just be in fight or flight for an hour because of things said to me — “but i mean so well.”

Let it be. Somewhere in this world, someone will be blaming you for their problems. It is no use to engage with it. Just let it pass, its not your problem. Anytime i see a post which might bother me even a smidge, i scroll. No big deal. I cant handle the big insults dished out anonymously on social media. It makes me feel incredibly wronged. The world is not so black and white. People get along which each other incredibly well offline.

With that being said, this forum is the absolute last place to start talking politics. I wouldnt dare antagonize the people here trying to help me. It serves absolutely no use. I dont even consider Filipes posts as inherently hateful, but rather as a kind-spirited misguided soul. Lets try to accept the imperfections in the world and try to add to it with love and kindness.

 

[Mani]

And yes this is also victim mentality. Instead of being like “Oh i feel so wronged” and “I cant do this and that because of THEM” — try to notice the problems you encounter, and deal with them the best you can. “This is all their fault” will not get you far. Obviously you can find troubles in society, but marinating in them will NOT help solve it.

And come on guys, people all throughout history, and even still right now, have been through worse than being villainized by idiots online. We shall find a way. Hakuna matata

 

[BloodMoon]

@Mani
I appreciate you sharing your experiences with online triggers — it's helpful context for us TMSers managing stress. That said, your advice to 'rise above it' — albeit a well-meaning one — isn't necessarily best for everyone. For me personally, suppressing an honest reaction (acceptably within forum rules) isn't best for my healing process as it leaves my tension unprocessed — this is my choice and what I own for my recovery — but of course others can make their own decisions. They can take your advice to choose to scroll and ignore anyone's postings if they want to.

Whilst I appreciate limiting responses to avoid encouraging trolls — which protects our TMS recovery space — equally IMO leaving offensive rhetoric unchallenged doesn't serve us either, as it can also encourage further trolling and build unspoken resentment. A balance is needed. We should therefore be allowed to respond if we want to within forum rules. That's my view as a TMSer, and hopefully I am also entitled to express my views here as you and Filipe have done. Let's all choose what serves our own recovery best.

 

[Mani]

For me personally, suppressing an honest reaction (acceptably within forum rules) isn't best for my healing process as it leaves my tension unprocessed — this is my choice and what I own for my recovery — but of course others can make their own decisions. They can take your advice to choose to scroll and ignore anyone's postings if they want to.

Ok so lets discuss this, youre free to disengage obviously but i have really considered the repression part about this question.

You’re aware that people are talking bad about brits or americans or men or women or white people or whatever right? People say a ton of shitty stuff without you even seeing it. You can spend your entire day trying to look for and argue with these people, but i dont think this is a positive outlet. Its a slippery slope of endless doom and gloom.

When you scroll through reddit, do you also argue with idiots online, eating thousands of downvotes? Its not a productive way to spend your time.

I’m curious about where the line is. At what point do you stop. If allowed, would you just keep arguing for days with him. You didnt change his mind, you might as well have been talking to a wall.

I dont have a parrot, but if my parrot started saying rude stuff, how much use it it for me to go reason with the parrot about how he shouldnt say that? Whats wrong with accepting idiots for being idiots in our imperfect society? I’m just curious what your goal is. You can just feel what a comment does to you and think: “Wow, this is SO not worth my time”. I’m not trying to shame you obviously lol, just curious about your thoughts as its something ive struggled with immensely. Not looking to drag this on for days just in for a little happy conversation.

Oh yeah and obviously you have a right to speak your mind about whatever people say here. Just:

Are you responding for your own good or for someone else’s?

Has that conversation left you more satisfied than when you started?

We should therefore be allowed to respond if we want to within forum rules

Please know that im not contesting this point at all

 

[BloodMoon]

You’re right that arguing online can easily slide into something unproductive, especially when the other person isn’t engaging in good faith.

For me, it’s less about trying to change someone’s mind and more about expressing a principle or pushing back when something feels unfair or harmful. Sometimes it’s also about testing my own thinking — noticing what still bothers me and why.

As you’ve said, it’s far from healthy to spend one’s life scrolling through social media, reading a load of dross, and choosing to argue with people. I limit my exposure — I’m not on Facebook, WhatsApp, Reddit, or any of the big platforms. I mainly use our TMS forum, and I enjoy YouTube (mostly for learning and the occasional useful tip in the comments, though I rarely post myself).

With the TMS forum, call me a cockeyed optimist — as the old song goes — but I see it as a bit of a community. When offensive or dismissive comments go unchallenged, it feels like the tone of the space changes and becomes a little less welcoming, especially for newcomers who might not yet have experienced the usually supportive atmosphere here. That’s partly why I sometimes step in.

For example, in the Filipe thread, I made one post that challenged his views with some illustrative facts, which he chose to ignore — and that’s fine. Sometimes offering a perspective does make someone rethink their position, and other times it even helps me reconsider my own.

I later added a short follow‑up to mainly point out that what he’d said was simply his personal view on the topic. After that, I decided to disengage — not because Jan closed the thread, but beforehand. I’d said what I wanted to say, and that made it easier to shrug off his comments without feeling I’d suppressed anything.

It also doesn’t have to be all or nothing when it comes to what you engage with. Sometimes a brief, measured response is enough to set a tone or make your point, and other times it’s wiser to just walk away.

In a way, it’s good practice for real life — learning to stay calm and measured, to express feelings or views without fear, and to remind the brain that anger or frustration aren’t dangerous. They don’t need to trigger symptoms; they’re just part of being human.

I really like what you said about “feeling what a comment does to you”. That’s such a great reminder — we always have a choice about what we engage with.

And I have to say, I loved the parrot analogy; it genuinely made me laugh!... And there’s nothing wrong with "accepting idiots for being idiots" — I do that all the time in everyday life.

 

[Mani]

@BloodMoon These civil back and forths never went as smoothly in other places online. I appreciate your thoughts. I notice that I'm passionate about this. I think I know how much I'd hurt if someone told me these things when i wasnt trying to be mean. I have been trying to meditate but my mind just keeps going back to the 'situation' that just took place. I figured id just dump all my thoughts here.

Like for example you or cactus told Filipe: 'I would not like to be with you' after he said that he'd like someone like her to be around him. That would send me into a whole 'nother level of shock. Like raised heart rate blurry vision pain in my stomach everything. The things people tell me online shouldnt bother me, i can look into the mirror and decisively tell myself that i mean well. You should see my face when i step on a snail or an ant. I really dont want to hurt anyone. Filipe isnt trying to troll; its just the wrong words at the wrong time and his emotions and maybe lack of affection frustrates him and maybe leads him to misdirect it to the wrong people.

@Filipe2025

First off, I dont mean to say that youre an idiot or mean or whatever. I do feel like you have a propensity to victimize yourself.
I sympathize with your frustrations. I'm a little younger than you (20 yo) but I'm also not able to engage in relationships for ... reasons -- its on my page. Our situation is probably not the same but we both dont have a partner. I'm lonely as fuck. I lie awake at night thinking: "man i wish someone was lying next to me right now." Its killing me. "Why does no one love me?"

When I'm not busy with the affection I'm missing right now, it's worries about who my partner will be in 10 years -- whether i have to settle for someone that doesnt really align with my values. I have talked about this before very briefly on this forum. I rewrote that sentence like a hundred times as to not offend anyone. I believe I said something about settling for scraps, which would be a disappointing scenario to me. I'd rather settle down now. These are all valid emotions, but theyre not someone elses fault. People wont all act in a way that you like. What YOU have to do is find peace with how others act, and become a person that deals with these issues in a valid manner.

Another question: who are you? Are you happy with how you appear; are you happy with yourself?

Your self worth should not be based on how many women you attract. Self worth comes from within. You need to be happy and content with yourself. To be able to look into the mirror and be proud of yourself, for whatever reasons that may be.

No one owes you jackshit mate. The world is the world and you have to pick yourself up and deal with it.

My pms are open. I hope you stay on this forum and continue to contribute with a healthy and positive mindset. I know you can. I can feel in your comments that you arent trying to be hateful. I have faith that we can reconcile and that you'll be a regular on this forum, and we'll kick some tms ass together.

 

[BloodMoon]

Like for example you or cactus told Filipe: 'I would not like to be with you' after he said that he'd like someone like her to be around him.

@Cactusflower—not me re that comment to Filipe.

leads him to misdirect it to the wrong people.

Indeed, that was the crux of the matter, and that was what was pointed out to him, not just by me, but others on that thread.

 

[feduccini]

The things people tell me online shouldnt bother me

Mani, it's so ok to get bothered by what others say. I know it might not be productive but let yourself be a human being, full of thoughts, emotions, passions, worries, frustrations... Replying in that thread wasn't either good or bad, it was just how you felt in the moment, and there's a beauty in it.

 

[Mani]

Mani, it's so ok to get bothered by what others say. I know it might not be productive but let yourself be a human being, full of thoughts, emotions, passions, worries, frustrations...

Yeah weve evolved to absolutely hate being rejected. We’re such social animals. Rejection by your group used to mean death. It totally makes sense how were hardwired to avoid it and hate it.

Replying in that thread wasn't either good or bad, it was just how you felt in the moment, and there's a beauty in it.

Fully agree, I wasnt trying to be the sole authority on good or bad. I was just trying to provide my perspective.

I just had to write out my thoughts. I’m passionate about this; I can feel his hurt. It makes me want to be there for him. I hope he doesnt leave for good.

 

[Rabscuttle]

In all honesty, I think on an intimate forum like this, views such as the ones displayed should be called out. Does that mean they’re totally irredeemable and should hate themselves? Nope. Everything is a learning opportunity. We should continue to grow as beings. Filipe’s views can be hurtful to others but also to himself. He is directly harming his own spirit and sabotaging the way he interacts with the world. I hope he sticks around, and learns from it.

 

[Diana-M]

I read this thread and yesterday’s and surprisingly I wasn’t offended by @Filipe2025. I actually got what he was saying. His observations are true, he just should have made them more general. I think all of society has become incredibly superficial, and that’s got to be frustrating to genuine people who are trying to date. I also saw his vulnerability—he talked about being lonely, his mother dying, being sentimental and sad about his kids growing up and about the haunting reality of death that we all have to reckon with. This took courage to talk about. I also saw a really sad person, worn out from loneliness. (I’ve been there. It’s brutal.) I think it would have helped to assume he’s not intentionally attacking people. But the problem with written online conversations is they are just a small snapshot of our feelings and our souls. Written conversations leave a lot to be desired.

I could easily be categorized as feminist—I raised 3 kids alone. I am a child of the 60s and 70s. And I understood and wasn’t offended by Filipe’s comments about power. Some of my worst experiences in the working world were with women who were chasing power and too insecure in their own shoes to not attack other women. (And yes, there were problems with men, too—but different kinds of problems. I’m not singling out genders.)

Needless to say this isn’t one of those online conversations where there will be resolutions for people. Everybody just gets their hackles up and their feelings hurt, And then there’s no really talking to anybody about these topics. I agree with @Mani that it’s unfortunate and emotional to feel these tensions on the forum. But I think it’s unavoidable sometimes. And I do hope @Filipe2025 doesn’t leave.

 

[Cactusflower]

One of the great benefits of private journaling and writing out your thoughts and angers is that you keep it private. You can feel the emotions but not hurt others with your emotional unloading while gaining better insight into your inner life and habits.

 

[Diana-M]

One of the great benefits of private journaling and writing out your thoughts and angers is that you keep it private. You can feel the emotions but not hurt others with your emotional unloading while gaining better insight into your inner life and habits.

True. Sometimes you just need to vent to yourself.

 

[Filipe2025]

Thanks Diana.

 

[BloodMoon]

I also saw his vulnerability—he talked about being lonely, his mother dying, being sentimental and sad about his kids growing up and about the haunting reality of death that we all have to reckon with. This took courage to talk about. I also saw a really sad person, worn out from loneliness. (I’ve been there. It’s brutal.)

Your comments seem to imply people treated him hard-heartedly. Early responses were sympathetic and empathetic. However, that didn’t seem to satisfy him; he wanted to air views like sweeping generalisations about what women want and how they behave, which I and others didn't agree with and called him out for, that's all. One person backed him, but he didn't acknowledge them and kept going. He’s not banned, he can return and keep posting (as long as he continues to keep forum rules). Imo he'd benefit from taking Cactus's advice and do some private journaling first…

One of the great benefits of private journaling and writing out your thoughts and angers is that you keep it private. You can feel the emotions but not hurt others with your emotional unloading while gaining better insight into your inner life and habits.

Exactly.

 

[Diana-M]

Your comments seem to imply people treated him hard-heartedly,

Nope. Not implying anything. Just my observations.
Yes, people did try to help him. That was really nice.

 

[BloodMoon]

Nope. Not implying anything. Just my observations.

Good, thanks for clarifying.