This really cuts to what is the heart of TMS healing for many people. There is a part of our brain that is bombarding us with thoughts that terrify us. Alan Gordon talks about this type of fear as an addiction. It wants your attention and it wants your energy.
So how does it get your attention? It has to scare you and threaten you. So (and this is just a hypothesis) it goes after sexuality, something that is so commonly tied up with self-confidence and one's masculine identity. I'm sure that a psychoanalyst who knew you well would have far more to say about it.
Of course, with persistence, you can train it to see that it doesn't need your attention and that everything is fine. This may be hard, because fears like this get inside our heads and change our beliefs so that we think that they are more important than they actually are. But maybe it isn't really such a big deal. Physically, you seem quite healthy, and I think Waterbear's advice is great. I asked my girlfriend and she agreed that even if it did happen more, that it would just be part of life and your partner would understand.
It may be a problem where you can decide how much power to give to the fear. If you decide that it's not a big deal, then if it does happen, chances are it won't feel like such a big deal to your partner, either. If you are confident, chances are your partner will feel good as well. By deciding to be confident and shaking it off it does happen again, you take away it's power and it can't hurt you. Of course, if you can do this, then it will be very unlikely to happen anyway.
As always, with mind-body stuff, (and there are few things more mind-body than sex) once you can get your mind right, your body will follow.
One other thought relates to the last paragraph of the passage I quoted above:
When you write, "I know there is something emotionally wrong with me," I'm wondering if you have a tendency of being very hard on yourself, like I (and many other TMSers) do. If you do, you might get a lot out of going through the Structured Educational Program (SEP) or the TMS Recovery Program:
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program
I think it's best to do the TMS Recovery Program before the SEP, but whatever you choose, if you do the TMS Recovery Program, make sure to listen to all of the audio segments. Note that in each one, what Alan teaches the listener to do is to learn how to be kinder to themselves. I wonder if that is fundamentally what is going on with you, too. Perhaps these fears are an example of fundamentally not being kind to yourself, and the goal is to learn to be kinder to yourself.
I remember that I had a pretty easy recovery from my symptoms. But in terms of my conscious and unconscious thoughts, I was still being very unkind to myself. Sometimes TMS is a signal that there is something deeper that we need to take care of. It isn't necessarily anything mysterious or deeply repressed - often it is simply a matter of learning how to be more kind to oneself.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I hope they help!
By the way, have you thought of submitting to our new "Ask A TMS Therapist program?" There has been a great deal of psychological research about avoiding intrusive thoughts in the last 30 years, so they might be able to offer some very helpful advice. It's completely free and is basically like submitting a forum post. The only difference is that you use a special form and a TMS therapist from the Pain Psychology Center might answer it. Here's the form to submit a question:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/link-forums/submit-your-question.50/
Finally, in terms of meditation techniques, this thread seems to have moved on somewhat, but check out this wiki page:
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/How_do_I_Meditate
A book that I thought was very good was
8 Minute Meditation. The author is a gifted communicator and seems to really get mindfulness meditation.
We tried to put all of our best ideas in the "How do I Meditate" wiki page, so people will have a free centralized place to go for questions about meditation techniques. In the fall or sometime in the next several years, I hope to get the community more involved with updating resources like that.
