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Day 39 Massive Breakthrough

L

lazydaisy

Peer Supporter
I'm back on the programme having taken some time off. My symptoms were much reduced, so I never finished up (I started about 18 months ago). Lately I've been doing the work again as my symptoms were coming back.

Today's video with Andrew Miller resulted in a breakthrough for me.

I realised why I haven't been seeking treatment with a TMS specialist therapist.

I told myself that I would do the programme, and then see if I needed it.
I told myself that it was too expensive.
I told myself that my nearest therapist was too far away.
I told myself that I didn't want to explain my appointment to my husband.

Today, in a flash, I realised why I haven't sought treatment: I don't feel my story is bad enough for it.
How messed up is that?

It's not that my pain isn't bad enough - it certainly has been (Although at present, since I'm doing the work it is much reduced).

It is that I think, compared to others, my childhood was idyllic. Sure it wasn't PERFECT, but it was pretty damn close. Honestly, if I describe it, it sounds pretty lovely.

So it's like I feel that I'm not worthy of treatment because I have never suffered any great trauma.
But what I have realised is that, though my childhood was, ostensibly, pretty perfect, it clearly wasn't perfect for me. Somehow I have ended up here, with TMS, so somewhere along the line I didn't get what I needed, or got too much of something I didn't need (probably pressure to be successful).

So all that matters is that my childhood was bad enough to give me TMS, however nice it was compared with other people's. Other people's experiences have no bearing on my own. It was enough to bring this on, therefore it is 'enough' to seek help.

Can anyone else relate to this? Thinking you're not worthy of treatment because nothing that bad has ever happened to you?
 
I do not relate - my childhood was pretty crappy! However, I was thinking about what you said about your childhood being idyllic but all that matters is it was bad enough for you. Now I am still pretty new at this (18 days in to the SEP) but I was wondering if the problem is your personality (that totally doesn't read well does it, but I don't mean it in a bullying mean girl kind of way). Maybe your expectations due to your personality traits meant that as great a childhood as you may of had, it wasn't, for some reason, matching the expectations you had, and this is why you have tension. I apologize if I haven't articulated this very well, but I hope I made some sense!

And really, if you are in chronic pain, you are always worth treatment - you ARE worth it!
 
Hi JacketSpud, thanks for you reply!

First off, sorry to hear about your horrible childhood. I know a lot of people will be unable to relate to my most first world of problems, 'it just wasn't bad enough!'. I feel like an idiot typing it to be honest, especially knowing how awful a lot of people on these boards had it.

But there I go again with the comparisons. Ugh. I guess I just don't want to come across as blase about other people's suffering, and unaware of my own priviledged upbringing. I know I had it good. But I can accept that and still know (I hope) that somehow, somewhere, it was lacking. Anyway.

I totally understand what you mean about my personality, and I think you're right. I'm so bound up in being perfect I cannot accept that my childhood wasn't perfect.
 
Hey, no need to apologize - it was what it was and I got through it really well, until it obviously caught up with me 18 months ago. My childhood was angelic compared to some! It's all relative, and there's just no point making comparisons. Don't feel bad for not having such a bad childhood and yet posting on here. I don't think anyone would hold it against you that you had a good childhood :-)

Good luck.
 
Thanks JacketSpud. I think you've summed it up there:
"I don't think anyone would hold it against you that you had a good childhood :)"

The only person who would hold it against me... is me! It's like the very essence of TMS!

I finish the programme in a couple of days. Then I will assess whether to see my nearest TMS therapist, because now I've realised WHY I haven't been going, I feel able to go. It isn't the time or the money, they were just excuses. It feels so weirdly great to have figured it out.
 
Hi, lazy daisy. Heck no, don't feel bad because you had a good childhood. I don't think anyone begrudges you that.

However, I journaled in the SEP and discovered I was repressing anger from when my parents divorced when I was seven. Journaling can open some chapters in our life we never thought were bad.

The main thing is, you feel so good now. It apparently wasn't a repressed emotion causing your symptoms but your perfectionist personality. I hope the
SEP has helped you to relax on that. I think you've discovered the reasons you had TMS symptoms. Let us know how you feel after completing the program. You may not need to talk to a TMS therapist. You've figured it out for yourself, and that is great. Try to spend more time now enjoying life. It can be wonderful!
 
lazydaisy said:
So all that matters is that my childhood was bad enough to give me TMS, however nice it was compared with other people's. Other people's experiences have no bearing on my own. It was enough to bring this on, therefore it is 'enough' to seek help.
Click to expand...

Hi Lazydazy,

This insight is a huge breakthrough, and important for others to read, I think. When I read your post I think of the "individuation" process that I see with successful TMS sufferers: we learn that our needs, our life, is separate and distinct from others. This takes many forms, from having better boundaries in our lives to working internally with the super ego--knowing that we are not a helpless child caving into the inner bully.

What you are seeing is the habitual way you treat yourself, as not being worthy of help, or not being "hurt enough" to get support. It is how we treat ourselves moment-to-moment that fuels the TMS. Childhood exploration is helpful because it reveals and begins to release these patterns which cause TMS.

By the way, I had a pretty good childhood, and had such terrible TMS pain in my foot that I was on crutches for years. But I am a people pleaser, perfectionist, and have an over-active super ego. Connecting these patterns to the symptoms was very important in my "cure."

As you get help, I think it is helpful to focus on the habitual self-treatment. With this, you can develop more self-compassion, and you can also get relief from symptoms simply by inquiring into how your inner child is feeling about the inner treatment.

Good Luck!

Andy B.
 
Hi Lazydazy,
I am a newborn baby in light of SEP, but I wanted to say that I can totally relate with your problem.
I also used to think, and still do, that my problems were nothing or at least less significant than problems and stories of others.
In some points in my life that actually pushed me forward. Now I know, or at least suspect, that this kind of thinking brought me TMS and it is pretty related with low selfworth, which I have in abundance.
 
Thanks everyone for your lovely replies. Lots of insight there, and thanks especially to Delphy - it's nice to know I'm not the only one to have thought this way.

Lots still to do, but I have now finished the programme, and that feels good.
 
Hi, lazydaisy. Congrats on completing the SEP. It looks like it has helped you to come a long way in your TMS healing journey. I don't think the TMS journey ends with completing the SEP, and that is an ongoing adventure into self-discovery.

Now try to find more things to do and think about that make you feel good and also happy.

Can you share with others what you think were the most helpful to you in the SEP?
 
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