Hello. This is my first post here. I'm not American and my English is not very good. So this might be having some grammatical errors and weird expressions. Sorry for that. I think I have TMS and I read one of Sarno's book (Healing Back Pain) 3 months ago and I'm trying to do what he says, but I think I'm stuck. I am really desperate, like everyone else here. If you have advices or any comments, please help me. My pain is... kind of complicated. Mixture of many things. Headaches, facial pain, difficulty opening eyes, and even toothaches. My history is a bit.. too long. 1. BEFORE TMS STARTED I had a double-eyelid surgery with some kind of ptosis surgery 1 and half year ago. Double-eyelid surgery is very common plastic surgery in my country. (Now I think this is crazy.) My mom really wanted me to have that. She even persuaded me to have that for months. And my surgeon also said I had ptosis, so I had to have ptosis surgery as well. (Later I found out that I had no ptosis or anything and to earn more money many plastic surgeons persuade patients who have not very big eyes that they have ptosis so that they have extra ptosis surgery.) After that diagnosis, my mother told me that the reason I was often tired was because I had ptosis and I had to have that surgery. I'd been working for several years then, and I decided to pursue a PhD and I successfully got admissions, and It was just before I came to US to study. Part of me was a bit worried that my non-existent ptosis might be an obstacle to my future study, and another part of me was also bit hoping that I could be prettier. Anyway, I received that surgery just before coming to US. And first, I was devastated by my new look. I didn't like it at all. I hadn't think I had been pretty, but at that time I realized how much I liked my original eyes and face. I cried all day and all night and didn't eat. Anyway, I couldn't give up my admission so I had to come to US. I was desperately trying to improve my mood, but around after 1 and half month of the surgery, my eyes started go get very uncomfortable. It was very hard to open my eyes. I felt like something is pushing my eyelids down. I was extremely scared. I had to take a medical leave because of this, and I came back to my country. I visited a dozen of surgeons when I came back to consult my condition. The scariest thing was that almost all of them said they didn't know the reason why I was having trouble opening my eyes. Many of them actually suggested to consult a psychiatrist, saying I had some kind of psychosis. I was so frightened and I had a tremendous fear that I may not be able to open my eyes freely again. I worried and worried and cried and cried endlessly. I was sure that my eye problem was not due to psychogenic cause, but it was too hard to just live on so I visited psychiatrist and took strong antidepressants and some benzos for 2 months. (This eye problem was not TMS. Now I'm convinced that I'm having TMS but this is a separate story.) After months of searching, eventually, I found a surgeon who said he knew the reason why I was having trouble. He said my problem was due to some wrong conglutination between tissues in my eyelids caused by wrong method of surgery and excessive scarring. So I received a revision surgery from him. Instantly after that, I could open my eyes well. But my eyes were still not very comfortable as they used to be, so I was worried. And I didn't know I had to wean off gradually from my antidepressants and benzos so I stopped them cold turkey. As a result I suffered from huge withdrawal syndrome for 2-3 weeks. 2. AFTER TMS STARTED It was at that time my chronic pain started. (Now FINALLY begins the TMS story.) It was after the revision surgery, I was in part relieved that I could open my eyes well again but I was also very worried because my eyes were not comfortable enough and my original look did not come back. This was around 10 months ago. So I guess I'm having TMS for 10 months now. First, I suffered from withdrawal syndrome. But after that, I started to have a strange, very bad feeling or pain on my forehead. It was not a normal headache-kind of pain. I repeatedly had to frown or strain my forehead to find a temporarily relief for that. Also I had some tension headaches on my temples. Of course I visited several neurologists and did MRI & MRA scan, EEG, EMG, all sorts of tests and they all came normal. First I suspected I got some nerve damages during the revision surgery. But the pain characteristic did not match that of pains due to nerve damages at all, and all doctors said my pain is absolutely not caused by nerve damages. (And even if I had nerve damages, why do I have pain on my forehead rather than my eyelids?) Some doctor gave me anticonvulsants, some gave me strong painkillers, and some strongly recommended to consult a psychiatrist so I visited a psychiatrist again and took antidepressants and benzos again. But all of these medications did not work. Some of them provided only temporary relief for 3-4 days and the pain returned. I also consulted some doctors of oriental medicine and took some herbal medicine and received acupuncture. One doctor said that my pain was due to tense muscle on my neck, so I also received physiotherapy for many months, even though I had absolutely no pain on my neck whatsoever. Anyway all of them did not work. Even painkillers had virtually no effect on my symptoms. I even tried hypnotherapy, but I couldn't be hypnotized. 3. MY PERSONALITY AND PREVIOUS PAIN HISTORY I have all the personalities described in Sarno's books. I am perfectionistic, I try very hard not to be a burden to others, I can't turn down others' requests well, I always worry a lot about things, I have very low self-esteem, I feel guilty when I do something I want to do, because I think I have to do other things. I care and worry a lot about what others think about me. My mother told me that I had a tic for several months when I first entered a kindergarten. I was 5 then. My father was very strict and hysterical, and had very disparaging attitude toward my mother. My father used to use a lot of curse words and even beat my mother. My parents got divorced when I was 10. I strongly wanted to live with my mother but my father didn't let me, so I had to live with my father for several months. I was devastated then and I cried day and night and I slept over 17 hours a day to escape from the reality. Few months later my mother sued my father and I could live with my mother from then. (My father died 10 years after that.) When I was 15, I had some strange symptoms. I was having some hard time with my friends at school. I formed a habit of hyperventilating. I breathed very hard and much more frequently than normal. It disappeared after several months. When I was 21, few days before I first visited Australia as an exchange student, I started to have an ankle pain. It was my first visit to a foreign country. There was no accident or cause whatsoever. It continued after I arrived Australia, but I had so many places to visit to process my arrival so I kind of ignored it. It disappeared after 10 days or so. When I was 25, after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I had a chronic fatigue for many months. It was very severe and I used to drop off a lot during daytime. I even suspected I had a narcolepsy so I had some polysomnography, and surprisingly I was diagnosed as narcoleptic. But after I took a pill of stimulant I couldn't sleep for days and I decided not to take the medicine and not to believe the diagnosis. The chronic fatigue lasted several months, but after that I was absolutely OK. (So the narcolepsy diagnosis was COMPLETELY WRONG.) Of course I didn't know about TMS then and all these symptoms disappeared after several months by themselves. Now I'm 30. Now I'm having strange pain on my forehead with other pains. 4. CHRONIC PAIN DEVELOPMENT My tension headaches on temples disappeared 2-3 months later they started, but my strange pain on my forehead persisted. And it slowly went down to my brow. I was (and am) obsessed by my symptoms and I searched for the possible cause for my symptoms on internet every day. It was very scary that I couldn't find anyone with the same symptom as me. It was around then I discovered about Sarno's ideas while searching net. My pain didn't improved, but I had to come back to my school not to lose my admission 3 months ago. It was then I read “Healing Back Pain” by John Sarno. But after reading it my symptom didn't improved much. My pain continued to go down slowly to the region between my eyes. From 2 months ago I started to write journals. Around that time my pain started to jump around. Some day, the pain was on my upper nose. On some days I had real headaches, on some I had pain on my forehead again. On some days I had no pain but it was again hard to open my eyes (It was nothing like before the revision surgery, but it was uncomfortable.) The funny thing is, when one pain presents, others virtually disappear. From yesterday, I even started to have strange toothache all of a sudden on all my front and canine teeth. When I have that toothache, I don't have other pains. Now I'm feeling like I'm crazy. Also the severity of my pain depends a lot on my stress levels. My pain is 24/7 and continuous with varying degree. 5. MY EMOTIONS I regretted that I had that plastic surgery over and over. I thought it would have been better if I had some accident or something. Even if my look became more similar to my original look after the revision surgery, I still couldn't like my look. I couldn't bear the thought that I chose to have this surgery by myself. I couldn't like my look, and I was (and am) very worried that this symptom may not go away for good. I know I was not a kid and the final decision was made by me, but I hated and cursed my mother so so much, because she persuaded me to have that surgery for such a long time and didn't even try to find a doctor who can fix my condition after my eyes got uncomfortable. I had a big rage for her and I expressed it toward her by cursing her many times. I also had a rage toward myself that I decided to have that surgery without investigating a lot about it. I also had a such a big rage for my first surgeon because he recommended me with unnecessary ptosis surgery and he even did it wrong so that I couldn't open my eyes. And while visiting so many doctors (plastic surgeons, neurologists, ..) I developed tremendous rage about doctors in general, because they were so arrogant and many plastic surgeons only concerned about their income. And I have a lot of anxiety too. My personality has been pessimistic at best, and now I'm very worried my symptom would ruin my career and life. And my days here in grad school is very stressing. I have a lot to do and my performance is severely suffering because of my symptoms. I really don't want to give others excuses that I have pain so I can't work well, but sometimes I couldn't help. Actually I don't even have enough time to re-read Sarno's books. 6. SO, PLEASE HELP ME! First, thank you so much to you who've read toward this far. I didn't think this to be this long at first, but I kind of have a long history, so... It's been 3 months since I read a Sarno's book. And I've been journaling for 1 and half month now, and the time my pain started to shift rapidly coincides with when I started to journal. But I don't think I have much insight from journaling. Because, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW that I have so much rage toward myself, my mother, doctors, and other things that give me my daily stress. Even now, sometimes my rage toward my mother and my first surgeon is still so profound that I have difficult time bearing it. So I don't find anything new while I am journaling. I just revisit my bad emotions and rages while journaling, and it is kind of boring. And actually everyday here has been pretty much the same and I have the same stressors every day so my journal is kind of the same every day. I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE that my symptoms are caused by psychosomatic causes. What other things can explain all these strange symptoms? But I'm not sure this was caused by my ‘repressed' rage or anxiety. I already have tremendous amount of known rage and anxiety. And every day I am worried if this symptom would ruin my performance, career, and my life. And my symptoms are kind of shifting every day but I haven't achieved considerable improvement. I'm journaling but I can't discover my hidden emotions or anything from that. I had some difficult time in my childhood and my personalities are just like what Sarno described, so I sometimes journal about my personalities I don't like, but otherwise I don't know what to do next. I tried to talk to my brain several times when I had severe pain to no avail. I don't fear any physical activity because my pain is not on my back or my knee. Even if I know I don't have any structural problem whatsoever, I have a tremendous fear that this may not go away and ruin my career and life. My fear is not that I'm damaged structurally (I know I'm not). My fear is just that this may not go away. The fact this is a psychosomatic symptom does not mean this will go away. I try not to think about my symptoms but it is very hard because this is kind of 24/7. I admit that I'm obsessed with this. And it is hard for me to visit a TMS physician now, because of my financial and regional conditions. I know this is a very long post, sorry. Any ideas, thoughts, comments, or advices? Thank you so much.