1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this link: http://go.tmswiki.org/newprogram
    Dismiss Notice

Like someone trapped in a burning highrise...

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by had, May 25, 2018.

  1. had

    had Peer Supporter

    ...my choice seems to be burn to death, or jump out the window and die from the fall. The fire department has ignored my pleas for help and no god is going to snatch me from the brink. I'm out of time.

    First and foremost I am not sitting here with a gun to my head and someone calling a hotline or authorities is not going to help me. In fact it would ruin the last thread of possibility left by crushing me with medical bills and kicking out the last stick in the foundation of my living situation. So please don't do that. I've seen it happen to others online.

    Nearly two decades ago in the prime of my life I was frightened into unneeded foot surgery and the very poor outcome instantly ruined my life. I lost my fitness, career, hobbies, safety, and many relationships. I was only able to survive financially due to a significant savings, and a very small partial pension from my job of a few hundred a month. I had/have no insurance or consistent access to care. I was denied nearly everything I applied for in the social services realm. At every point where systems should have helped me and didn't, I lost people and places to stay, as they seemed to blame me for this and acted like I was doing it wrong or "didn't want to get better". I have even seen TMS advocates transfer this victim blaming behavior onto myself and others at times.

    I found Dr. Sarno's books around 2012 and was an instant "knowledge cure" for back pain, and had significant success reducing various neuropathic pains as well, but the feet still form the crux of my issues. I went through the incredibly kind Dr. Schubiner's book/program and wore him out via email. I talked to Alan Gordon on the phone once but can't afford therapy, not even the cheaper options with students with no experience performing it. I've read a ton of TMS stuff in books and forums, did exercises, meditated, and tried my best. I feel I have run out of viable options and have fallen into well meaning, but unhelpful "woo" and philosophical sayings territory when I ask for help because the normal stuff isn't working and people want to help, but ultimately don't know how.

    I have an opportunity to move and work at least part time remotely but things are so bad right now and some important pieces are failing to come together to make it happen. I know that stress is feeding it but it was nearly as bad before I even knew this opportunity existed so it's not that simple. I simply cannot mange moving and the added stress and changes as things are now. I have tried such "go for it" things before when I was in even better conditon, and it failed so I am not being negative, just realistic regarding my limits from practical experience. "Pushing through" doesn't work for me in the end. I literally have no shoes I can wear as they all add pain and barefoot walking doesn't work either for the same reason. I've tried everything from stiff soled custom stuff and orthotics to barefoot and natural methods. I am out of things to even try there.

    If I could afford it I'd probably case a wide net and travel to see some TMS docs and commit to long term therapy to try something I haven't done yet, but I cannot and life and its costs are indifferent to that and keep piling on. The loss of financial independence and falling in every crack is one of my major triggers so this just doubly hurts since I cannot afford to PAY for the privilege of life. Health and money are everything in modern society and you must have one or the other to even survive. I have neither.

    I simply cannot define or know if the remaining pain is TMS which so many say is the requirement for any success. I can't do faith and "just believe" it is because it has possible physical causes that aren't as obviously "not" the cause like back pain issues. It also won't respond to TMS work. Hearing one or two "this person had terrible post surgical issues and its better" stories or other similar attempts to motivate and reassure do neither. I've tried immersing myself in TMS work...ignoring it all together and "just living"...drugging myself into numbness and pain relief...praying to whoever..nothing ultimately improves things and I cannot stand it like this. I can't get anything done as it takes all my energy to endure pain. I cannot get off Maslow's bottom rung to begin to work on the higher ones and see no way out.
    Last edited: May 25, 2018
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi had,
    I thank you for your post, which is to me a very heartfelt, honest expression of your suffering. A barebones essay on your experience, and one which, interestingly does not ask for anything. I hope you know you are being read, and heard in your experience. I send you my support.
    Andy B
    Lainey and Ellen like this.
  3. had

    had Peer Supporter

    While I appreciate your intent, I don't know what you want me to get out of that specifically? I know about opiate induced hyperalgesia and have experienced it in the past. I've not taken them for ages. Nothing in that article is new or different than any of the other TMS/MBS etc theories or posts, I can't afford to go see those doctors in any case.

    Also this stood out:

    "Patients have had successes in all these pain syndromes, but only when they were able to do the relentless mental work required."

    I am not able to deal with basic life things let alone more vague "relentless mental work" which isn't even clearly defined. A drowning person clawing at the surface whilst trying to stay above water can't manage swimming lessons. First you have to stop drowning...THEN you can work on solving the underlying issue. I don't have enough stability, support, or resources.

    You are a perfect example of what I meant about kind and well meaning people trying to help but not knowing how. I appreciate the intent but articles and links aren't enough to stop me from going under. I can't find a realistic way.
    Last edited: May 25, 2018
  4. Click#7

    Click#7 Well known member

    I understand and I am sorry. Have you tried to email SteveO. He's a great guy and if anyone would understand it would be him. He has helped me and always answered me.
    Lainey likes this.

Share This Page