Day 1 Lightbulb! TMS + Lifelong struggle with weight

[Koko]

Hello!
I was just introduced to TMS. My brother in law (who I always thought struggled with anger issues but also thought would be last person in world to come to terms with them) passed along Dr Sarno’s audio book.
I have had pain in my left hip and leg for almost 4 years (and a similar issue several years before). The locus of pain is a point in the middle of my left butt cheek that does not change, though the radiating pain varies in location and intensity. I have had the scans that show the abnormalities and done all the things you do but the pain does not go away. Sometimes it is better or worse but rarely seems to be tied to whatever treatment I am doing at the time, so Dr Sarno’s words really resonated for me.
I have also been overweight since I was a kid and always struggled with it. When I read the 12 principles I started plugging weight in for TMS. 5 - Weight only exists to distract my attention from the emotions. This was a lightbulb moment for me and it applies to all the principles. As a kid I used my weight to shield myself from doing certain physical activities. Now I use the leg pain as a reason to save myself from pushing myself when I do physical activity.
Interestingly, when this bout of pain started 4 years ago I was in the best shape of my life, working out regularly. Why did I sabotage myself?? I really don’t know, but I’m interested to try to figure it out and hopefully the pain will subside.
Look forward to your insights on this journey.

 

[miffybunny]

Hi Koko, Welcome! You're definitely in the right place! Your description of the pain changing in location and intensity, waxing and waning is confirmatory evidence of TMS. It sounds like you have a lot of insight with regards to your weight issues and how it serves as a distraction from emotions. Self sabotage is essentially internalized aggression. The inner bully or critic that thinks you deserve to be punished because you are somehow "bad" for feeling anger and rage towards someone who may have traumatized you, will always find ways of sabotaging you...whether it manifests as pain or preoccupation with something else (anxiety). Under the rage is usually guilt and shame for having those aggressive feelings and impulses to those who we also love. The people we hate the most are often the people we love the most as well. This inner conflict creates tremendous pressure and tension. Subconsciously lies the belief that you should be punished and we unwittingly create our own mental prison that way. The important thing to know is that it's ok to have those feelings and you can allow them to pass through without judgement. Just because you think certain thoughts does not mean you would ever act on them and doesn't not mean you aren't entitled to feel them. Once you realize that you deserve to be happy and no longer need to be punished, you will begin to dismantle that prison and ultimately feel liberated.

 

[Koko]

Hi Koko, Welcome! You're definitely in the right place! Your description of the pain changing in location and intensity, waxing and waning is confirmatory evidence of TMS. It sounds like you have a lot of insight with regards to your weight issues and how it serves as a distraction from emotions. Self sabotage is essentially internalized aggression. The inner bully or critic that thinks you deserve to be punished because you are somehow "bad" for feeling anger and rage towards someone who may have traumatized you, will always find ways of sabotaging you...whether it manifests as pain or preoccupation with something else (anxiety). Under the rage is usually guilt and shame for having those aggressive feelings and impulses to those who we also love. The people we hate the most are often the people we love the most as well. This inner conflict creates tremendous pressure and tension. Subconsciously lies the belief that you should be punished and we unwittingly create our own mental prison that way. The important thing to know is that it's ok to have those feelings and you can allow them to pass through without judgement. Just because you think certain thoughts does not mean you would ever act on them and doesn't not mean you aren't entitled to feel them. Once you realize that you deserve to be happy and no longer need to be punished, you will begin to dismantle that prison and ultimately feel liberated.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I like the idea of allowing the feelings to pass through you without judgement. One of the things Dr Sarno said that really resonated for me was that the initial grievance that caused the anger may in fact have been quite small. Overall I have had a happy family and personal life. It’s helpful to understand that an anger that causes significant issues - weight, pain, etc - does not need to be from something terrible.

 

[miffybunny]

Yes absolutely. Trauma does not always have to be in the form of dramatic events. It can be accumulated things that one finds disturbing while growing up. Adverse events or experiences in childhood can often be quite nuanced and subtle. We may even have conflicted feelings about a parent or both parents who were loving in many ways but dysfunctional in others. Very often there may be unspoken expectations or pressures that a child feels because of comments that parents make. Children are very sensitive and from birth we are attuned to our parents based on human survival . We absorb things and feel things that are not always overt or obvious. In some ways that makes it harder because we carry guilt about having anger etc. towards those we love so much. That has certainly been my experience anyway.

 

[Koko]

Yes absolutely. Trauma does not always have to be in the form of dramatic events. It can be accumulated things that one finds disturbing while growing up. Adverse events or experiences in childhood can often be quite nuanced and subtle. We may even have conflicted feelings about a parent or both parents who were loving in many ways but dysfunctional in others. Very often there may be unspoken expectations or pressures that a child feels because of comments that parents make. Children are very sensitive and from birth we are attuned to our parents based on human survival . We absorb things and feel things that are not always overt or obvious. In some ways that makes it harder because we carry guilt about having anger etc. towards those we love so much. That has certainly been my experience anyway.

Yes! Those many subtle things do add up.
And knowing that also makes being a parent even more challenging !

 

[Balsa11]

I'm on the skinny side and yet my brain is so hypersensitive and finicky that I always fixate on some little ache or weird sensation when working out. Then TMS happened. I've been walking around more but I really need to work on not fearing physical activity so much.

 

[Balsa11]

Yes absolutely. Trauma does not always have to be in the form of dramatic events. It can be accumulated things that one finds disturbing while growing up. Adverse events or experiences in childhood can often be quite nuanced and subtle. We may even have conflicted feelings about a parent or both parents who were loving in many ways but dysfunctional in others. Very often there may be unspoken expectations or pressures that a child feels because of comments that parents make. Children are very sensitive and from birth we are attuned to our parents based on human survival . We absorb things and feel things that are not always overt or obvious. In some ways that makes it harder because we carry guilt about having anger etc. towards those we love so much. That has certainly been my experience anyway.

For a long time I would question why my anxiety was so bad without realizing the little things can add up, and when I learned thanks to this forum that the reaction to that can either amplify pain or reduce the pain, it was mind blowing. Acceptance takes time though.