Life just doesn't make sense sometimes *TW for death*

Rusty Red

Rusty Red

Well known member
Yesterday one of my best friends (two, actually, they used to be married and had kids together but are divorced now) lost his 21 year old daughter in a car crash. He was in the car as well and his son/her brother was driving. They both survived but she was pronounced at the scene.

Things like this just make me wonder what the hell. I instantly felt the flare when I read about it, I watched her grow up into a beautiful and smart college student. And yet while I'm whining about my pain, a young life is gone. Deep thoughts today.
 
WTH, indeed. I'm with you there, Rusty.

I mention the four core issues of Existential Psychotherapy fairly frequently, most often focused on Mortality and Abandonment. Meaning is the one that often receives short shrift, but it certainly goes hand-in-hand with mortality. It's a worthy topic for an emotional writing session.
 
So sorry to hear that. What a terrible loss for all of you.

Tragedies like that make one wonder: at least one is still alive and life is so precious despite all the things one could suffer from...
 
I'm right there too.
My sister was diagnosed a few months ago with something bad and her time left may be short.
This is the same sister that my little self would pretend to whack over the head to make my TMS go away.
My little self was just jealous and wanting all my mother's love. I'm actually very close with my sister.
And now I feel devastated and guilty and scared. And then more guilty for feeling scared about my own health.
 
Growing up around a lot of death, I pondered it often and was troubled by it a lot when I was young. The one thing I didn't do was talk or write about it, and it grew in me like a cancer of fear and despair. it is definitely something that can only ever even make a teeny bit of sense between us and God. The only way I even know what I am feeling is to scribble and talk with people close to me
Rusty Red said:
And yet while I'm whining about my pain, a young life is gone
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and Yes! It puts our minor ouchies in perspective. All of us are gonna die...but not all of us are gonna live. Embracing both is real awareness. I forget to live all the time

Sandy Beach, a great soul whose daughters both died tragically, once said "You have Sorrow and Resentment. God can help us with sorrow....anger and resentment? Your on your own."

Grieve..and live.
 
So sorry for the girl and for all those who loved her. I lost a cousin who I loved deeply when I was 11 and she was 17. It was an airplane crash. Nobody survived. It broke our once very close extended family and caused even more pain and drama. Sorrow never completely faded away in those almost 60 years since.
Your pain of loss will stay forever, but it will not be as deep and constant. But make sure that you don't push those feelings under the rug. Let your heart run the course of pain, allow yourself to cry, because otherwise your TMS will run the havoc of symptoms.
 
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I posted this in Nicole's group tonight and figured I would copy it here. I don't know if this tragedy did this but maybe, who knows.

I've done a lot of deep thinking with what has happened this week and I just don't think I can trust in TMS for my physical pain. I have to believe the continued exercise would have at least somewhat convinced my brain by now that I'm safe if it's the answer, and the things I have uncovered through journaling, but it's just not. For me the imaging is so directly in line with where I have at least some of my pain. Even if those abnormalities don't cause pain in some, I feel like they still can in others.

I also don't see myself ever being able to accept these symptoms and not want to be past them. I'm trying to keep at activity because it's important to me but we'll see.

I do see benefit in the practice still for my anxiety levels, especially with life handing out so many low blows lately. I hope to keep it up for that purpose. Maybe this is all just a result of the loss I saw this week but it's how I feel at the moment. I love this group and the people in it and still want this to be the answer and the relief for everyone.
 
Rusty,
Love you, too! I’ll always be here, if you want to chat. Hope you can find the very best way forward to feel better.
 
Rusty Red said:
I posted this in Nicole's group tonight and figured I would copy it here. I don't know if this tragedy did this but maybe, who knows.

I've done a lot of deep thinking with what has happened this week and I just don't think I can trust in TMS for my physical pain. I have to believe the continued exercise would have at least somewhat convinced my brain by now that I'm safe if it's the answer, and the things I have uncovered through journaling, but it's just not. For me the imaging is so directly in line with where I have at least some of my pain. Even if those abnormalities don't cause pain in some, I feel like they still can in others.

I also don't see myself ever being able to accept these symptoms and not want to be past them. I'm trying to keep at activity because it's important to me but we'll see.

I do see benefit in the practice still for my anxiety levels, especially with life handing out so many low blows lately. I hope to keep it up for that purpose. Maybe this is all just a result of the loss I saw this week but it's how I feel at the moment. I love this group and the people in it and still want this to be the answer and the relief for everyone.
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It sounds like you have already checked out.....which frankly probably means that you are getting close to success. The closer you get, the more your brain will say -- "nothing to see here!"

For TMS to go away, you don't have to be certain that the physical pain is from TMS. You only have to be open to the possibility that it MIGHT be.
I don't think most of us when it actually believing it. We were just happy when doing the TMS work made it all go away.
Also, I don't think we ever make our brain feel safe. These are life long mental pains that release and they fill back up.
My inner desire for my mother's love will NEVER go away. My inner anger wanting her to love me more will never go away.
But when I continuously release it, I keep my symptoms away.
Maybe it's like diabetics who have to test their blood sugar and give themselves a shot each day.

I'll repeat what I said at the beginning of this post. When you get close, your brain is going to tell you, "this ain't working."
That's the TMS brain making a last ditch effort to keep you away from your Pandora's box.
If I were you I'd get onto that journal and write,
Aha, you little buggah. You aren't going to stop me now..............
 
Rusty Red said:
I have to believe the continued exercise would have at least somewhat convinced my brain by now that I'm safe if it's the answer, and the things I have uncovered through journaling,
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No one really knows how long it takes. Everybody is different.
Rusty Red said:
I also don't see myself ever being able to accept these symptoms and not want to be past them.
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Nobody with TMS is accepting that they have symptoms. Working on TMS healing doesn’t mean that you accept the symptoms. Of course you want to be past them! But the way to get past them is to accept them while they are here, because that way you reduce their effect. You tell your TMS brain you don’t care anymore and it turns them off. One way to look at it is, you really don’t have anything to lose by trying the TMS way to heal. Does the medical world have an answer for you? One that you would like to believe?
 
It definitely doesn't help when I tell my mom I think if something catastrophic was going to happen, it would have in all this exercise, and she says or you keep going and something still goes and you go down. Nice.
 
My kids (grown) all think I’m some kind of whack-o who refuses to go to the doctor, so I just make up stuff, like it’s “anxiety.” I feel stupid around them, because I know they don’t believe me. And also, I feel I’m worrying them. But it can’t be helped. The truth is: I have TMS, whether they believe me or not. It’s really taught me to own my own body— No matter what anybody else thinks it’s still my decision what to do with it.
 
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