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Day 6 learning my mother had died

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dlane2530

Well known member
When I was 13 I woke up one morning with my dad beside my bed. "Dixie, I think your darling, darling mother has died," he said. I said, "May I see her?" I went to her room and checked her eyes. I knew that if they were not all the way closed, but were very slightly open, it meant she was dead. They were. No one hugged me that day or helped me. My dad was hysterical. I didn't go to school. I tried to do tasks. I cried in the bathroom. I didn't cry with anyone. No one comforted me or looked after me. I feel so much pain right now and I have been waking up very early and not going back to sleep. Everyone says accept accept accept but how about if someone helps me instead? My husband gets frustrated because so many people ARE helping me, him included. But it's just, accept, it will get better. How am I supposed to live in this level of pain and suffering? Why am I not sleeping? Oh, I just want to sleep. I took medication and it didn't work. I took another medication and it didn't work. Medication is not the answer. But I accept and I still don't sleep. Now other symptoms flare up and I know it is a flare-up, a setback. But oh Lord, give me sleep. I hate waking up to such despair. I can't control it. I can't control how or when or in what frame of mind or body I wake up. I feel so abandoned and so distressed. I feel unprotected. If the Lord loved me, he could give me sleep. Why did no one protect me when my mom died? She was my only protection...after that there was no one between me and my dad to prevent the abuse and to care for me. My mom would lie in bed with me and hold me when I was sad. My husband will do that now but why is it not enough. Why can't I feel safe. I want to believe I am healthy and safe but I feel broken and lost. Lord Jesus, why won't you help me? I know you do...I know you have been so faithful to me...please keep your promises and carry me out of this place. Oh, I want my mother so much. I feel so angry that she stopped protecting me. I feel so angry that no one protects me. I feel I cannot et down my guard because I have no safety.
 
what is coming out of you is what came out of me when I got better. i know youre doing the SEP....The fact that you can hold this painful memory is going to send TMS packing. I know, becuase I had your same feelings about my Dad when he died..it's scribbled in block Letters on one of the pages of HBP... and I still get to this place every time I get better.
 
This is really encouraging. Thank you.
I guess we don't really have to solve the repressed feelings...just let them emerge/acknowledge them, right? I was just reading Dr. Sarno saying something like that. That you don't have to fully understand them, you just need to allow them. That's hard for me, as I feel like I should keep returning to the memory until it doesn't hurt anymore. But it's always gonna hurt, I guess? I don't know. But I don't want to act victimized anymore.
 
dlane2530 said:
That you don't have to fully understand them, you just need to allow them.
Click to expand...
Yep. I have been pain-free for over a quarter century now with only the occasional relapse, but I am not SURE I have ever figured out anything! I just know that looking carefully, thinking about it really Hard when the pain comes (Pg 77 of healing back pain) and telling it to F off has worked....over and over and over.
I have had some minutes of despair...."Yeah, it worked all of those other times, but this time I am fucked"

But they were short lived and WRONG.

I sometimes miss my Father so much it aches. He died in 1971. When I am open to him and that feeling of loss, I am always on the path of recovery. He was the only person in my family that liked me, so he WAS my 'family'.
I always reflect on the story of King David losing his son in the Book of 2 Samuel..."I am going to him, but he isn't coming back to me". that is actually a happy thought for me and gives me something to look forward to, though I don't understand it.
 
Oh my gosh, @dlane2530 ! What a sad horrible story of the day your Mom died. You have PTSD from that loss. It’s not processed because no one helped you through it at the time. Now your body is crying for you. The first thing you did was check her EYES! (Coincidence?) And this terrible shock came when you woke up in the morning. (Don’t go to sleep or someone you love might die!) You are reliving the trauma over and over.

When I came home from school at age 14, my Dad was home from work. He told me my mom was hospitalized with MS. It was a rare kind of MS. I didn’t even know she was sick! He was hysterical and saying, “why is this happening to me?” No hug. No sympathy. Then, he disappeared for weeks and I took care of my two younger sisters. Stuffed it all these years. This round of TMS I have perfectly mimics MS. (Coincidence?)

You are on the right track. We are on the right track. @Baseball65 said it. This is where we need to focus. On this loss and how to heal it. Our TMS brains think we can’t handle it, but we can. (And by the way— I’ve never told my kids anything about what happened to me other than my mom had MS. I’ve hidden all my grief from them. Now it’s here in full force, in my body!)

loss, pain, perfectionism, fear… you name it. It’s a bloodbath. But we are here. We know what’s going on. We can face this. I always take solace in the fact that Sarno said anyone who DOES The WORK gets better. He didn’t say how long. But he said it would happen.

I wouldn’t quit one bit. You are exactly on target. Your mother’s eyes at morning time, losing her during the night without knowing it, and having no way to process the pain with loving support.

Hang tight. This can’t last.❤️ God bless!

Hugs!
 
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Diana-M said:
The first thing you did was check her EYES! (Coincidence?) And this terrible shock came when you woke up in the morning. (Don’t go to sleep or someone you love might die!) You are reliving the trauma over and over.
Click to expand...
Diana-M said:
This round of TMS I have perfectly mimics MS. (Coincidence?)
Click to expand...
Diana-M said:
I wouldn’t quit one bit. You are exactly on target. Your mother’s eyes at morning time, losing her during the night without knowing it, and having no way to process the pain with loving support.
Click to expand...

These are such powerful insights, I'm blown away.

I'm totally blown away by your post, @dlane2530. And you're right. The pain and the loss and the fear of abandonment and isolation won't go away, because these emotions were meant to protect us and encourage us to stay within our safe communities where everyone knew each other and took care of each other. So-called modern society lost that concept not long after humans started congregating in larger groups - and the suffering which results from that loss just kept growing.

In other words, you were designed to have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. HOWEVER! Knowing this, you now have the power to reject the negative fear element, and embrace a pure concept of this abandonment for its sadness and its unfairness and for the loss of so much potential in this relationship that you deserved to have. This will remain, but it does not have to cause you any more harm.
dlane2530 said:
But it's always gonna hurt, I guess? I don't know. But I don't want to act victimized anymore.
Click to expand...
It's not either/or. Both of these can be true at the same time.
And:
Baseball65 said:
You are right on time.
Click to expand...
 
Man, you are so helpful, friends. Thank you for these insights.

I had a really deeply powerful insight today. I decided to go on a walk bare-eyed, with no glasses/contacts. I was overcome by the experience of seeing just with my own eyes, even though blurry in some ways, and remembered what this was like when I was a child. I was thus reminded of who *I was* before the trauma of losing my mother, and I was able to tell myself honestly that I wasn't that strong, fiery girl just because my mother protected me. I was strong and fiery because of me. And that is who I really am, and that is still within me, never lost, and that is who I will be again from today. Because I can see for myself, and I will not accept anyone telling me what I see.

I think I'll be switching back to glasses after some weeks in contacts -- this way I can have the pleasure of a bare-eyed walk or even just few moments whenever I like. It was incredibly freeing -- freed me of strain and reminded me of who I really, truly am. Not a victim. A strong, beautiful, loving, intelligent, confident person.

This is about trusting myself again.

God is so good and this therapy/program is helping me so much. Wow. I will be spending some time sans glasses again before bed tonight.
 
dlane2530 said:
I was strong and fiery because of me. And that is who I really am, and that is still within me, never lost, and that is who I will be again from today. Because I can see for myself, and I will not accept anyone telling me what I see.
Click to expand...
Amazing! What a great walk you had! And an even better discovery. You are doing the kind of work that will SET YOU FREE, my friend! Sometimes, on days like you just had, I say to my TMS brain, “See!? These emotions won’t kill me. I can handle this. You don’t need to protect me anymore.”
 
@dlane2530 and @Baseball65 —
Thanks to your vulnerability today, I went back to where I keep leaving off in the SEP (day 11). I wrote about the day my mom was diagnosed and hospitalized with MS. I’ve had 10 years of therapy and I’ve NEVER talked about this particular day with a therapist. I’ve never revisited it. While I was writing I could feel the concrete around my heart —and underneath it a volcano of sorrow and anger. (Yikes!) I wouldn’t let the feelings come, but I wrote it out the best I could. I could feel this tension rising. But no way I was going to cry.(at least not yet.) I did stick with the writing, though.

Thank you so much for helping me want to try and be brave. Man, I hope I can sleep tonight. I can only imagine the hell that’s going to break loose. But maybe not. Either way: Here we go.
 
Diana-M said:
When I came home from school at age 14, my Dad was home from work. He told me my mom was hospitalized with MS. It was a rare kind of MS. I didn’t even know she was sick! He was hysterical and saying, “why is this happening to me?” No hug. No sympathy. Then, he disappeared for weeks and I took care of my two younger sisters. Stuffed it all these years. This round of TMS I have perfectly mimics MS. (Coincidence?)
Click to expand...
I think this involves being of two minds... your conscious mind believes you don't have MS but your unconscious mind doesn't believe that that gig is really up, and so it keeps producing MS-like symptoms. You said on another thread that you had avoided speaking of or writing about the day you heard about your mom's hospitalisation and the aftermath, but recently managed to write about it, however you weren't yet able/ready to express and feel and let the associated emotions up and out. Managing to write about this is a huge step forward because now you have broken the ice, so to speak, you can pursue writing about this period in your life, and the emotions will surely surface. And once that happens, your unconscious mind will know for definite that the gig is up and let go of giving you MS-like symptoms.
 
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