Just can't get 100% with my mind this time

I think I really need to get off the internet, even this forum. I am struggling with TMS this time. I get close to buying in and then I start thinking structural.

I am going to write out my whole story again just to get it all out.

• August 2020, had a blood clot in leg
• Found out I have a genetic clotting disorder and am on medicine for life.
• Started a spiral of me checking symptoms in my leg, worried about long term damage that can happen
• Working on a huge project at work, 60+ hours a week
• Dr. told me to start isolating for COVID as it might not be good for my blood clot issue. Pulled away from society, church etc...
• Started working out and lost 40 lbs
• December 2020 was tough with not seeing family at holidays and working.
• Developed pain in my groin and rectum area. Upper glutes were really sore. This led me to real anxiety, shaking in bed and insomnia
• Insomnia scared me more. Could I function at work?
• Went to my Dr. and he said it was most likely stress
• Went to a Urologist and he said most likely stress
• Anxiety was running high, wanting to get better for my wife and son. Feeling pressure to hide my anxiety from my dad and father in-law.
• Back to Dr. who put me on some mild anxiety meds. Sent me back to a new urologist
• New Urologist said it was maybe prostatitis and prescribed me Flomax and Antibiotic
• Issues went away but then my back started to hurt, noticed fatty lumps in back
• Googled these lumps and found people crying out for help on web
• Pain got worse and worse. Anxiety even worse now. Starting to worry if I can play golf, hike etc...
• Pain in hip now as well as in other areas of my body are sore to touch
• Dr. sent me to see a PT who specializes in tight pelvic floor muscles w/ Mind Body connection but she has been booked out
• I decided to go to see a Spine Surgeon who said my X-rays showed normal disc height and mild SI joint degeneration. Told me to go see a chiro but from his perspective nothing to worry about.
• Pain in groin and rectum went away. Antibiotics are done and I want to stop the Flomax as I learned it can cause muscle and back pain but nervous to stop. Maybe these meds helped is what my mind thinks
• So many people are sharing their back pain stories with me now. My dad, brother, golf pro, boss, coworker etc.... makes it hard for me to believe in TMS
• Now I am having thigh twitching in my right leg above my knee for a couple of days. Worries me about a nerve issue.
• Glutes are still sore, I can still feel those fatty nodules which the spine doctor said are benign and shouldn't cause pain.
• Still only sleeping 4 hours a night
• Tried to meet with a TMS counselor from Alan Gordon's office but it was more rehashing my life and less about why I have so much fear of the pain. Fear of sciatica, fear of pelvic floor and groin pain. I can't get my mind away from it. I check all the time. Why? how did I become so weak minded in 2 months?
• Woke up today and cried to my wife. I want my life back. I feel like I won't ever be able to stop thinking about the pain and enjoy things I was enjoying 2 months ago.

There you have it. I can't seem to get past the fear and anxiety. I am shocked I have become this person in 2 months. I have a PT appointment today to discuss the tight muscles and TMS relationship.

My wife thinks I need to get my anxiety under control to allow my body to heal. She thinks I might need meds. That worries me too since I have never had anxiety up until now.

I am still functioning but unsure how I get to the point of 100% commiting to TMS. I am scared I might miss something and things will get worse. I just want my life back. Thanks to everyone who has messaged me. They have given me small bursts of energy to think TMS but I seem to relapse each time.

 

Hi, the reason you are falling back into fear and depression is because you are doing all the things you should not be doing....bouncing around to doctors and physical therapists, searching online, asking people's opinions, trading horror stories with others, monitoring symptoms, complaining to your wife etc.. Are you surprised that this is just reinforcing the TMS? All you are doing is perpetuating the strategy. That list is a veritable what NOT to do! Part of the process of recovery is refraining from these negative, chronic habits (thought and behavioral) that have now become addictions. Each time you engage in these things which are forms of reassurance seeking, you get your "fix" for 2 seconds and then revert back to feeling even worse. The only way to stop this cycle of madness is to stop succumbing to those negative stories your brain keeps telling you. Talk back to them. Use affirmations. Stop looking for reasons to disprove why you have TMS. There's a quote, 'We are drowning in information and starving for wisdom.". Get out of your own way. Get off the internet. If you need meds to lower your anxiety levels for now, there's nothing wrong with that. It will enable you to do the real work. How many sessions did you have with the Pain Psych Center? 1? It's a process that requires patience. Give it a chance and commit to having a positive outlook. What do you have to lose? What is the alternative? Go broke and crazy in the medical mill? Join support groups for fellow pain sufferers and swap horror stories and wear T shirts proclaiming your suffering? Desperation and impatience just fuels the TMS. I know I'm being harsh here, but at least do it for your wife.

 

You are not being harsh.....that is what I need. Everything you said is true. Your comments have helped me more than you know for the periods over the past few months when i have had good days. It is like I am holding on to this fear and pain as a security blanket....does that sound weird?

My wife pointed out something to me this morning. She said that I always have to be involved in a project. When its hunting season I am fully involved with my gear, planning and talking about it. When golf comes around I study magazines and tweak my clubs, buy new clubs. When i make a big purchase I study and analyze every detail so I don't make a mistake. She thinks this has become my new hobby with COVID going on and winter.

It actually makes sense... maybe that's why I am doing everything.

 

Yes, I think the fear and symptoms are familiar and simply learned habits of the brain. The primitive brain loves to cling to habit. If your days revolve around babysitting symptoms, then your wife described it well. It's becoming your identity. The first step is discontinue ALL medical and PT appointments. Stop talking about your symptoms. The reason the Pain Psych Center therapist did not discuss your symptoms, is because TMS is the symptom of underlying emotions. You're not supposed to be talking about the physical in therapy because that will just keep you stuck (it's counter productive), and the goal is to reverse the pain strategy by re engaging in your life, knowing that you're fine and not broken. Start doing things you enjoy and that you find rewarding...anything but the symptom stuff.

 

Thank you for the great feedback! I feel better today even though my pain is worse. I got up and did some stretching sinec I am extremely tight. Did my treadmill too.

So today while sitting at my desk I need to..

- Embrace the pain and tell myself I am ok, its just my mind. Its just mild oxygen deprivation causing muscle and tendon tightness.
- Think what emotionally is bothering me
- Focus back on work and other things

That sound about right

 

Pingman total health anxiety with some OCD in there too. Take the meds short term stabilise the over thinking and build in some short meditation time. Every symptom you listed up there can be caused by chronic anxiety. Your wife is right and independent observer do it.

 

Thanks Jimmy. I am planning on discussing the anxiety with a new doc next week who is suppose to be compassionate. Part of the issue is when this all started I could never get into my GP as he is retire and only works a few days a week and is slammed. I think I do have OCD and that has been making it worse. It’s what makes me so good at other things but also causes me undo stress to overthink something as easy as which type of socks to buy.

trying to think about my emotions today and the pain is letting up in my left and moving back to my right side which has felt great.

interesting

 

@Pingman ....I highly recommend that you listen to the podcasts that Alan Gordon has done-- they are posted on this forum. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/forums/tell-me-about-your-pain-q-a.76/
They are amazing and address exactly what you have expressed as your challenges. I would be curious to know what you think

 

I listed to a few of them, the one about fear and then somatic tracking. There was actually a female who they did a session with who had SI joint pain and it parallels mine. Maybe 5/10 pain, most times 2 and sometimes for brief periods it is gone.

The key for me is to get the fear gone and accept the pain for what it is, a sensation only. I have to stop getting so anxious when I feel it. I have to start bending over again and quit looking for it when i sit, get in bed, rollover in bed etc...

 

Well I woke up today and reread Healing Back Pain. My family are all later sleepers but me so it was a good time to be still.

I was amazed at how much about myself I could see in the pages that I missed the first time around. I realized I haven’t been active in trying to talk to myself and my inner child. I haven’t been trying hard at all.

So I decided to jump on the treadmill and run for an hour. As I was doing it I could feel the tension in my upper glutes but no real pain. I then decided to shower and go to the golf store. Sitting and bending give me fear so I just decided to push through the drive. At the gold store I actually hit balls and had zero pain. Just the tension feeling in my back.

Niw I am home watching golf and started to get fear for having to sit here all day. So I am asking myself what are you emotional about.

So for those who have TMS do you talk to the child and Ask what is it they are upset about and want to say? I have rehashed all things that I can think of that have caused me mental pain through the years.

 

You answered your own question. You started having fear of a trigger "sitting here all day". You had a conditioned response to that activity because you associate it with symptoms. It's not always about emotions from our childhood. It's often emotions about something from 2 hours ago or 2 seconds ago, or emotions about the physical. What you describe is a learned habit. The problem is you are over analyzing and obsessing. Rather than enjoying golf on TV, you started having thoughts about that activity. You were no longer in the present moment. You were back in your head and thoughts.

 

Man this is spot on. It makes so much sense when I read what you say but in the moment I can’t think logically. I try and think emotional and about “repressed emotions”... I feel like I have hashes through all of them. It is as simple as the anxiety about the physical acts I think being on pain. I think it is that simple and I have had 3 weeks now on non stop obsessing.

so when I sit and watch golf and feel pain, so I just say to myself oh here is the pain, no biggie just my TMS. For me the hardest part has been trying to see myself in these examples in the book. Maybe it’s just as simple as forcing myself back into my old routines regardless of the pain.

 

Yes the key is to keep reminding yourself you are fine and not broken, the sensations are harmless. Engage in life. Basically behave like someone who doesn't have a problem...because the truth is, you don't!