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Journaling question

AndrewMillerMFT said:
Hi Sybillia,

You ask such great questions! Often TMS sufferers will ask a variation of the same question, "Now that I know what is contributing to this, what now, shouldn't the pain (or feelings) go away - or how long do I have to work on this?" The answer is different for everyone.

Ellen makes a very good point about the Connena book, often it's not just about re-discovering our painful past and patterns but understanding how we relate to them. From her post, it sounds like the important thing for him was discovering how he related to feelings about his father and that was helpful to his recovery. He discovered his relationship to his past, his feelings about the past, etc... (Of note, I haven't personally read the book, I'm just going off Ellen's post... but it's now on my list!)

Let's use your "open wound" metaphor for a second. Let's say you do have an open wound. How do you care for it? Do you bandage it? Do you let it breath? Do you put ointment on it? Do you have an expert look at it? Do you pick at it? Do you de-bride it? (Is there a difference between picking and de-briding?)

Focusing on how the wound happened is important but equally or more important is how you handle the wound now and how the wound affects you today, in this moment.

Does the pain from childhood show up in your life these days, does it contribute to patterns or feelings in your life now? And how do you want to deal with these patterns going forward?

Best of luck to you,

Andrew
Click to expand...

Thank you Andrew for your reply.
I think I try to bandage my open wounds at the moment. I imagine these above mentioned episodes, feel the emotions, being powerless (you feel as a child), the fear, the insecurity, the sadness, the humility, the feeling of not being supported and loved. All emotions which I had to suppress and I say to my inner child "it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. You were only a child. What was done to you was wrong etc." It calms me down and I feel that it is good for me. And yes these pains have a great (negative) impact on how I deal with a lot of things NOW. Even the knowledge where it all comes from sometimes makes no difference when you have a pattern you have used for years. When I have really bad days I suddenly realize that I have been beating myself up for days and then I have to identify the destructive thoughts and on we go.... I wish that when I was a parent with small children I had known (or had the insight I have now) what an impact the way we treat our children can have. So I have probably made a fair share of mistakes myself. Not as destructive as those I have experienced I HOPE.
 
Sybilla, I had a similar problem. I felt like I realized my childhood events, but I was stuck in the anger of them. I have found Dr. Schubiner's book Unlearn Your Pain to be very helpful. He uses ISTDP, which is explained in the book. Basically, for the traumatic events we must 1. address the anger, 2. express the anger, 3. look for guilt, 4. experience sadness/grief, 5. love and let go. My problem was I stayed in the anger, and that is not healing. You have to search for all the emotions related to the situations before you will be able to accept them completely. Hope this helps.
 
Hi, Sybilla. I hope you can work on forgiving your mother because it's so important in TMS healing.
I loved my mother and know she loved me, and my older brother and sister, but she had a hard life and
did the best she could for us. My brother said, "I love Mom, but I don't like her." That's possible,
but I think he would have been happier if he had just loved her and forgave her.

I think when we are young we expect our parents to be perfect and be perfect parents.
We're all focused on ourselves. It isn't until we are adults and maybe have children of our own
that we come closer to understanding them. And with better understanding comes forgiving.
 
ash86 said:
Sybilla, I had a similar problem. I felt like I realized my childhood events, but I was stuck in the anger of them. I have found Dr. Schubiner's book Unlearn Your Pain to be very helpful. He uses ISTDP, which is explained in the book. Basically, for the traumatic events we must 1. address the anger, 2. express the anger, 3. look for guilt, 4. experience sadness/grief, 5. love and let go. My problem was I stayed in the anger, and that is not healing. You have to search for all the emotions related to the situations before you will be able to accept them completely. Hope this helps.
Click to expand...
ash86 said:
Sybilla, I had a similar problem. I felt like I realized my childhood events, but I was stuck in the anger of them. I have found Dr. Schubiner's book Unlearn Your Pain to be very helpful. He uses ISTDP, which is explained in the book. Basically, for the traumatic events we must 1. address the anger, 2. express the anger, 3. look for guilt, 4. experience sadness/grief, 5. love and let go. My problem was I stayed in the anger, and that is not healing. You have to search for all the emotions related to the situations before you will be able to accept them completely. Hope this helps.
Click to expand...
Thanks ash86
I have actually been trying to get hold of Dr. Schubingers book for a while but on amazon.uk it is only available in the Kindle version. Maybe I should get me a Kindle. I could probably get it in the USA but it can be challenge to pay with credit cards.
 
Walt Oleksy said:
Hi, Sybilla. I hope you can work on forgiving your mother because it's so important in TMS healing.
I loved my mother and know she loved me, and my older brother and sister, but she had a hard life and
did the best she could for us. My brother said, "I love Mom, but I don't like her." That's possible,
but I think he would have been happier if he had just loved her and forgave her.

I think when we are young we expect our parents to be perfect and be perfect parents.
We're all focused on ourselves. It isn't until we are adults and maybe have children of our own
that we come closer to understanding them. And with better understanding comes forgiving.
Click to expand...
Hi Walt
I feel a bit like your brother did. I loved my mother as a mother but did not like her much as a person and she did not seem to like me. My husband says as I get older I ressemble my mother more and more......
He liked her very much but then she was different when she was older. We had a good relationship (my anger had not yet surfaced and even if it had I would not have taken it out on her) when she was old but we also
lived far apart and did not see much of each other.
I guess I am disappointed about not having had perfect parents who loved me every minute. Realistically this was not possible (seven children, times were hard etc). So how I come to terms with all that
I don't know. I think one day I will be able to forgive. I just have to be really good to myself (and give myself a bit of what I needed as a child) for a very long time before that can happen.
I just read a very good quote in one of Nordstars posts:
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel
Maya Angelou"
So very true. I guess I have to forgive, not forget but let go.
 
It can be hard... after you forgive someone, you may still not be able to forget the hurt.
When that happens, I pray for the person. I pray that they find peace, the lack of which
probably caused them to hurt me or others.
 
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