Day 3 Journaling and Exploring Stressors

[BillFoster]

Journaling is for pussies! That is my attitude, but I will do it anyway.

"What is the nonsense about trauma!?" "Billy made fun of me in elementary school WAAAAAH!" Everyone has these issues, get over yourself and move on.

Yes? Maybe? I think my childhood was pretty lame, no trauma, two parents, adequate nutrition and education. I can't think of even one instance of trauma, let alone the 15 listed.

Current stressors and personality traits, however, 15 is definitely not enough. I deeply resent the level of responsibility at work and at home. This means I'm a pussy! Cowards and wimps do not deserve the life they have been given. I have always despised myself. "You're weak! You cannot achieve! You are begging for coddling. Damn your cowardice!" The pain is evidence of your wimpyness!

 

[Ellen]

Hi Bill,

Well, you certainly seem to have a major battle going on between your id and superego, or inner child and inner parent (who is quite a bully). As I'm sure you are aware, this is fertile ground for TMS to develop and thrive. But being able to connect this inner conflict to your TMS pain is one of the major steps in healing. So you are on the path to freedom from TMS. It's quite a journey and I wish you well. Let us know how we can help and support you.

And welcome to the Forum!

 

[Marian]

Bill, having raised a son, I am extremely aware of the demands placed on men to "not be a pussy." It's a cruel world for boys and men when they are not allowed to experience emotions or be the least bit sensitive without being slammed. My son works in the building trades now and he has to deal with guys like this all the time. He laughs about it, but I know it gets to him. He told me a story one day about bringing a salad for lunch and being called a "faggot" because of it. Apparently real men (ie. straight men) don't eat vegetables. Just makes him shake his head at the ignorance and absurdity of it.

I can imagine the tremendous amount of rage you have to repress just to exist in this kind of insane environment. But there are truly other worlds and other types of people and I think that as you begin to honor yourself, you will attract to yourself some new opportunities.

You're being very courageous to think this way. Anything but a pussy. You are striking out and standing up for what is real. More power to you, man.

 

[BillFoster]

Just makes him shake his head at the ignorance and absurdity of it.

Ah yes, the ever-present "faggot". Where would we be if our sexuality was not continuously in question? I empathize with your boy.

All of your support is making differences in people's lives. I thank you all for your caring.

Interestingly, 30 min aerobic exercise/day for me really takes the edge off the pain.

 

[Stella]

I have had a very difficult time forgiving my sister. She let me down so many times. Intellectually I know I am the one that benefits from forgiving but have not been able to do it. I was participating in a group discussion about forgiveness. Afterwards I continued to have numerous symptoms. I kept journaling but still couldn't get to it. I kept journaling about being so angry at her but the pain continued. I thought I can't forgive her because it will happen again. She will let me down again (reject me). I know she will let me down.... then what....then what..."then I really will be worthless".

lots and lots of tears. I thought my body would split into from the emotional pain. The physical pain slowly eased away.

 

[Marian]

Bill, I'm thinking you might really like Steve Ozanich's book, The Great Pain Deception http://www.amazon.com/The-Great-Pain-Deception-Medical/dp/0615462219 He used exercise to break through his TMS (among other approaches). His story is amazing.