It's been a while, but I am back...

[Rachel72]

I found this forum in 2016 after 10 months of suffering from migrating pain (shoulder, pelvic, hip, breast, TMJ). Prior to the onset of my pain, I had quit a job that I considered my own personal hell and I came to realize that I had PTSD from the 5 years I languished there. My husband bought me Dr. Sarno's book about 6 months into my pain spiral and it changed my life. I was able to truly kick my pain to the curb after following a program I found here that involved journaling and meditation, as well as regular exercise and healthy eating.

In late 2016, I had a major setback with my mental health and ended up having to be treated with anti-depressants for a flare up of OCD. During the months it took me to get my OCD under control, I stopped taking care of my body, quit exercising, lost a lot of weight, and was having trouble sleeping. Once I stabilized, I was so happy to feel "sane" that I stayed on the anti-depressants for about 2 years.

I made the tough decision to discontinue my anti-depressant early this fall. My doctor and I both felt that I did not need them any longer because I had been stable for quite some time and that the dosage was so low that I was likely experiencing placebo effect at that point. So, I stopped taking them and went about life.

A little background info on me...I am a mother of two extremely busy kids, work full-time, and have a husband who travels 60% of the time for work. I would say that I am a people pleaser who almost always puts the needs of others in front of my own, so I spend all of my time shuttling my kids to their activities, taking care of the household schedule, food shopping, cooking, etc., and self-care usually doesn't make the list. There certainly is anger inside me about this, which I stuff down and try to ignore because I tell myself that I don't have time to deal with it.

So, what brought me back to this place is that I am caught up in the pain cycle once again. Through this journey over the past 3 years, I have learned that, for me, I struggle to keep the balance between my mind and my body. When my mind "seems" calmer, my body betrays me. When my mind is in total chaos, my body feels fine. Right now, I am in a state of chronic, but low to moderate anxiety, so my body is flaring up. I'm thinking that maybe my low dose antidepressant took the mental edge off just enough to keep my body relatively pain free, but I am not looking to go back on medication. I am here to try to find my balance. I plan to try journaling and meditation again, and hope to find the motivation to start exercising again. Coming here is the first step, so here it goes!

Thanks for listening!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Rachel72,

Welcome back. It makes sense to me:

When my mind "seems" calmer, my body betrays me. When my mind is in total chaos, my body feels fine.

You know this is common and known as the "symptom imperative." Simply put, there is an impulse in the organism to create a "problem" and it can see-saw back and forth between anxiety/depression (and OCD) on one side, and pain/other symptoms on the other side. When the "mental" is an issue, the "body" is not, and vica versa.

This makes sense to me:

I'm thinking that maybe my low dose antidepressant took the mental edge off just enough to keep my body relatively pain free, but I am not looking to go back on medication.

Understanding that both of the factors above are playing into your symptoms right now --knowing this, and repeating this understanding to yourself will help. And that there is nothing wrong with you. It is important to make sense out of what is happening to you, which you are doing.

One more thought: This intense swing from pain, to pain relief, then to OCD, now back to pain may indicate you would benefit from more in-depth psychological work, in conjunction with your other TMS work.

By the way we have a new program by Alan Gordon, the multi-media program which we recommend for folks who already know the basics. At the Wiki.

Andy B

 

[Rachel72]

Thank you very much for your response. I failed to mention that in conjunction with medication, I also participated in psychotherapy for quite some time. I truly believe that this combination is imperative for psychological healing. I am just frustrated that I continue to struggle with the ever elusive balance between mind and body.

I am a psychologist who works with children and recently lost a student to suicide. I spent so much time after her death making sure that my other students and colleagues were okay that I clearly neglected my own grief. And, because of the kind of person I am (goodist, self-shaming), I have been blaming myself for not being able to “save” her, despite my best efforts. This event, in conjunction with my non stop lifestyle, has run me ragged. I am determined to get myself healthy again, both psychologically and physically, which very well could lead me back to counseling in addition to what I am working on here.

Thank you for recommending the new program. I definitely plan to check it out!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Rachel72,

I have worked with some people who, even after decades of inner work, TMS stuff has asked them to "go deeper." I really feel for that many, TMS is a call for more clarity, more truth, and more love in our lives. Sometimes it is helpful to focus on this deepening which we want down deep, more than symptom relief. I wish you the best in this journey.

And I am sorry about your student. That is a terrible thing to lay on yourself, and yet very easy to do, even if you consciously know it isn't your fault.

Andy B

 

[Rosebud]

I really feel for that many, TMS is a call for more clarity, more truth, and more love in our lives. Sometimes it is helpful to focus on this deepening which we want down deep, more than symptom relief.

That is really hitting home, right now. I don't what I'm going to do about it, though.