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It's been a few weeks since I finished the SEP

Kim Mc

Kim Mc

Peer Supporter
Hi all-it is so nice to know that I can come to this forum and communicate with people that understand my story. I think I had been waiting to post something when I finished the program so that I could say, "I'm cured!" As I look back over the past few months and the amazing strides I have made, it looks as though that might be the case. Analyzing it this way through lens of measurable before and after are apart of my old pattern MO though and what I guess I've learned from an emotional standpoint during the program is how important unconditional love for myself is--no matter my status. Not just thinking or saying I accept myself just as I am in this moment but acting that way--living into that notion. For me, this adds a layer of compassion to the TMS protocol of confront the emotions, ignore the pain, and RESUME NORMAL ACTIVITY! Those 10 little words truly have changed my life. Prior to finding Dr. Sarno and the wiki, I understood that I somatized my emotion and that it was possible to make subconscious change in theory, but this program gave me the tools to apply that knowledge. I'll never forget the day that I read those 10 words the first time. The question to ponder that day was "When is the last time you exercised and if you haven't why?" For those of you that don't know, i was diagnosed with RA about 10 years ago. I realized that day that I was waiting for my body to feel perfect before trying to exercise. I thought, "if I can walk to the bathroom, I can walk on the treadmill. What am I scared of? that I won't be able to walk back up the stairs? that my knees will break?" I have a treadmill and stationary bike that hadn't been used for 7 years. I am pretty sure that I read Alan Gordon's article on Breaking the Pain Cycle that day which really struck a chord. Anyway I got on and walked--just for a couple of minutes. No old pattern self judgement about the speed or duration, just walked--and I felt a touch of joy in that moment. I got on the bike that day too and peddled a few revolutions and low and behold nothing broke and I walked back up the stairs just fine! Since that day in January I have walked on the treadmill and biked almost daily, and am stretching and bending on the ground afterward. I even bought an outdoor bike and have ridden around the neighborhood. I hadn't even gotten down on the ground prior to all of this for about 7 years. My discomfort isn't gone but whenever it arises now, I remind myself how far I've come, how there is nothing wrong with my joints, it's just oxygen deprivation in the tissues surrounding that area and that my unconscious mind is just trying to keep a foothold. I understand now how the discomfort can just fade to background noise, how it's all about what I put my awareness on. And I understand how intimately tied all of this is to emotion. I am starting to relax into this new found life of less fear. I realized through all of the emotional work that I have literally been holding my breath for most of my life so of course there was tension in my body. Enough that my immune system decided to slow me down so much that I would have to listen. I have been living in such terror that I ended up at 98 lbs and my menstrual cycle became irregular. Interestingly as I resting in the peace that the program brought me, I have begun to gain weight again and my cycles have regulated--oh the power of the mind! So you may be thinking--what a great success story, and I would agree except for one aspect of my story that I haven't shared. I guess because it seems so complicated, but I know in my heart it is TMS related. I started therapy about five years ago to help me deal with the fear of the RA. In therapy we unpacked years of unresolved emotional trauma which resulted in an eating disorder in my teens and 20's. Part of the childhood stuff involved my parents outward disapproval of my weight and dietary restrictions. From what I've been told, the eating disorder was all very textbook--looking control, looking to soothe the pain of loneliness with food after my parents divorced and as I got older anorexia morphed into a compulsive overeating disorder. Even though I would have told you that I didn't have the disorder anymore at 30 I never resolved the issues underlying it and was walking around as an angry 17 year old in an adult female body--hardly capable of loving myself let alone my husband or children. Anyway, since I couldn't take any of the usually prescribed drugs for RA due to some immune issues prior to the diagnosis (which I now understand were TMS thanks to Steve Ozanich's book) I started to look elsewhere for answers. Make a long story shorter, I had a bunch of food sensitivity tests done which showed that I was sensitive to everything that I was eating except 9 vegetables which they said I could eat on a 3 day rotation. This instilled even a greater amount of terror in me. I was supposed to gradually add back foods over time. That was 6 years ago and I have added 40 or so foods back as well as some vital nutrients that I had become deficient in. I eventually dropped the food rotation as well as I knew my body wanted me to started to live more flexibly, that this was a journey about less control and fear and more unconditional love and joy all the way around. That brings us to today. There are numerous very common foods that whenever I try to add them back to diet, result in an arthritis flare. Interestingly they are all the foods that either my parents said, "You can't have...because you're too heavy" or foods that i binged during the eating disorder year. I am certain that my unconscious mind is still trying to protect me from these scenarios. I know this to be true because I have recently added enough foods to eat out with my family. Because of my fear of moving basically and the whole food thing, I went about 7 years without eating out--all of this of course has left residual emotional effects on my kids. Anyway, I have found out after the fact that I have eaten things in those restaurants that I didn't "believe i could have" and there was no negative effect on my body. I know when I read , RESUME NORMAL ACTIVITY, that for me it means eating normally too. I have started to work with EMDR on this situation and hypnosis. I wondered if anyone here has any insights on this. Dr. Joe Dispenza's book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and the corresponding meditations have been helpful for me. He has a new book coming out in a few weeks called You are the Placebo, Making Your Mind Matter. I'm hoping to find some more answers there as well. Thank you for this site and for all of the support the past few months. I am so very blessed.
 
Hi Kim,

It is so good to hear about all your progress and changes! Your story is very inspiring and I appreciate that you've taken the time to share it with us.

The books by Joe Dispenza sound very interesting and I'll check them out. Thanks for sharing these resources.

I've had a few sessions of EMDR and found it helpful. I've read a little about it, but don't really understand how it works. However, there is a great deal of research now that states that it is very effective. Keep us posted on how it works for you, and how you are doing.
 
Wow, Kim Mc this is such an awesome post. You have come so far, thank you so much for sharing. You are beating all of the conditionings. Knowledge truly is the cure to pain or anxiety and fear. I have heard all good things about EMDR and it will only help you more on your journey. I have done EMDR on many occassions Walking up and down my drive way.

I would tell my conscious to reveal to me a repression and then I would swing my left hand in circles as I walked and raise and lower my right hand while looking from left to right into the trees and then the grass -- each time focusing on the pictures of the trees and grass. About 10 -15 minutes into doing this with a blank and open mind the repression would come to me out of the blue.

Like for instant I had asked what can I do to be a better person at helping others and the answer came back that I was already doing all needed to help and that I had to believe that I was called for this cause I have been doing this gifts of helps for 13 years.
It was like a voice from some where else , in the ether maybe that spoke. It was my voice and my knowledge though. It's not easy to explain but I'm here to tell you the EMDR is awesome.

Bless you
 
Thank you for reading my post and responding. I have done EMDR only in the setting of my therapist's office with these little vibrating "clickers" you hold that are attached to a box. Does this sound familiar. After reading about your experience Eric, it sounds like I should do some reading on EMDR so I really understand how it works. Can you tell me anymore about how your experience with it might work for my food situation. I had a perfect example the past 24 hours--Butter was something my mom said I shouldn't eat and it was definitely something I binged later-bread and butter were one of my favorites. Yesterday I cooked some quinoa and vegetables with a little bit of butter. I haven't eaten any for probably 6-7 years but it sounded good and I was trying to listen to my body. I felt good the rest of the day and even rode my bike around the neighborhood last night-what a joy. During the night I started to feel pain in my shoulders and hips and then my typical full feeling in my knees by morning. This is typically how it happens and I KNOW this is just an old memorized pattern of my unconscious mind's. Any thoughts on how your "brand" of EMDR might work in this scenario? FYI-I just ordered your book :)
 
Thanks Kim MC, You'll love the book. I would most defiantly stay with your routine. You are doing super. The EMDR I did was a version told by a therapist to another poster on here a few years back. I can tell you if you can think in your mind of a question like will all of my hard work pay off and then get a yes feeling then that would be awesome but I believe you already have a great method.

If you just want to learn the method so you can get your most important questions answered then heres the post -


Do it yourself EMDR, by beach-girl

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Years ago, I did EMDR with a therapist. I've now done it 6 times and know it works. You can try this on your own, without a therapist. You may or may not have success, but here is how it works:

In 1989 Dr. Francine Shapiro was working through a problem. She was walking through a garden and unconsciously, moving her eyes from the left to the ride side of the path. She noticed that by doing this, she was able to problem solve in very short order.

This was the start of EMDR therapy. By stimulating both sides of the brain, we can quickly and easily problem solve. We can do it while walking. If you are able to walk, try moving your arms and legs in opposite directions. (right foot forward, swinging left arm forward) Before you walk, think of a belief you have that you want to change. Focus on the belief just before you walk, start to walk, swing your arms ( not in a crazy way, but a comfortable way) and the leg movement is easily followed in the "opposite" direction. You are now naturally problem solving!

As you walk, "watch" what comes up. Don't make judgements, simply witness what you are seeing. It's like watching a movie. You don't "butt in" with your own opinions, or stray from the original "core belief". After your walk, record what you have witnessed. Through the many visions you'll have, perhaps from childhood or adulthood, you can put the "scenes" together, and discover where this core belief came from. It DOES work even if the scenes you are seeing don't make sense. They are there for a reason. If you were simply a witness, and wrote out what the scenes you observed, then you now know what the core belief you hold so tightly is. And now it's time to CHANGE that belief.

Hopefully, you will discover what this belief is and where it originated. Again what you see may make no sense, but when you write out everything you saw later, you may see exactly where this core belief (which we believe with all our heart - but is wrong) came from. Congratulations if this works - you have just completed Step One.

Write out what you'd like to replace this old belief with. It doesn't need to be long, simply what joy and happiness you will feel when it has changed.

Start the same way as you did before on a walk, only this time, repeat the phrase or the new belief you wrote about and really try and feel this before your walk. Say it several times. Begin your walk. SEE the new belief in action/place. FEEL what it is like to have this new belief in place. If you need to - take a walk on several days and feel and trust the new belief. It WILL change.

By working your body, left and right at the same time, you will replace the old belief with the new one.

I recommend this for people who may be stuck with certain parts of your TMS recovery. If the issue is PTSD or something really challenging - PLEASE use a trained EMDR therapist. There are many trained in this.

This is a powerful healing tool and as I mentioned I've done this many times. The big issues, I would never have attempted on my own. But I'm still struggling with worry in my TMS recovery. I just did 15 minutes of laps in the pool and it was enough to help me establish what my "core belief" about my worry is. I plan to use the walking to change the belief. Thought I would share this method with anyone who is having that bump in the road they can't quite get over.

However, I can't stress enough that a trained EMDR therapist is a MUST when you have very big issues. Things like child abuse, or issues that bring on a lot of fear. I see a therapist on a regular basis. But I will do the EMDR on my own.

Please pm me with questions, or ask them here.

Best of luck to all in living a pain free life!

BG

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Hope this Helps
Bless you
 
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Thanks for digging this up, Herbie.

Kim, you sound like you are doing so much better, e.g. reading a bike around your neighbourhood, going out to eat. I'm so pleased for you. :)
 
Kim, I enjoyed reading your story. I think you are so in the middle of all this healing and have come so far!!! Its fantastic. I have complete faith that you will resume normal eating as you come to accept and love yourself for exactly who you are in this very moment. Doing that exercise for myself has helped me with fears, anxieties and pressures. It stops everything - all the noise in my head and I fall into acceptance. Very powerful stuff.
 
I understand in my head that notion of self love and acceptance in each moment but I don't feel it yet and I know there is an under current of "striving" related to this whole food thing which I think is the opposite of the peace that comes with that unconditional love speak of. I'm pretty sure this is tied into some anger that I still carry towards my parents. Today in A Course in Miracles I read, "You cannot know your own perfection until you have honored all those who were created like you." It also says, "all illness is about unforgiveness". I have no doubt this is true. After the SEP I recognize the tension in my body from that unforgiveness.
 
If you understand it in your head then soon you begin to feel it, that's the way you recondition. Forgiveness is a key component in healing as you know. It boils right under your awareness just out of consciousness. You have to become aware of when this is happening and use affirmations here like the ones you get from those great books your studying. Your soothing techniques like mindfulness and staying in the now will be great to bring this unconscious anger to your awareness in time. Your doing great. Keep us posted.
Thanks
 
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