It has always been about shame.An epiphany!

cloud

cloud

New Member
I was lucky enough to come across the TMS theories of Dr Sarno(God bless him) in 2013.
I am a nurse and I am 50. Back in 2012 I experienced terrible back pain almost 24/7 . Had my job, my family and the pain.MRIs, doctors,physio, chiro,homeo...name it.Nothing....Disabling pain for 2 years and no one could help me .Desparate as I was, I bought "Healing Back Pain",watched every video I could find of dr Sarno on line and 2 weeks later the damn pain vanished and never returned!!!!
I was moved from one dept to another in my hospital because the new supervisor didn't like me.I was so mad (inside) but cool (outside) ,but shame that my all wasn't either enough or at least appreciated from my supervisors did the "job". I am a low profile achiever all my life and profoundly I couldn't accept the "punishment" transfer and furthermore I was ashamed to discuss it with my parents.Yes, I still value that and that is a major part of the problem.
Can you imagine the oddity?Happily married with children and still hooked on parental approval!
In 2017 , dizziness hit hard.Lasted about 1 year. Claire Weekes along with Sarno approach got me out of this.
One of my kids is autistic and it was time to start school. He is a high functional one but still the shame was there to give me dizziness. I was worried all the time. Will he be accepted, will he be having happy times?
BUT....I was ashamed deep inside. I didnt want my kid to embarrass me publicly and deep inside I thought I dissapointed my parents.
In 2025, had a flare up with knee pain.I have been diagnosed with hondromalacia of the knee at 19 years of old but it went pretty well and didn't give me serious trouble in my life since now.To be honest ,I had almost forgot about it for about 20 years.
Now, I can see clearly that the knee pain at 19 appeared when I failed to get into the university I was working so hard to and instead of that, I got into nursing school.Again, shame was the dominative feeling,although now I am a damn good nurse!
And then I remembered... My first TMS symptom as a teenager.What an epiphany!Between 13 and 15 every summer I was experiencing an excuciating pain in my trapezius muscle (walked like Quasimodo) when my parents took me for vacation to their country house. I couldnt make friends there , I felt alone and I brought dissapointment to my family.
I had no physical pain for about 12 years. Again , my job brought me a knee pain visit after soooo many years I couldn't believe it. Feelings of shame and dissapointment, that my work wasn't appreciated again filled my heart and mind. The new supervisor was just like the one that I was working with when I developed back pain. The programming had just began. In addition to that, these past months, my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma. I, as a nurse daughter, had to manage everything from A to Z. My sister is just a spectator. I give my all because I still want them to be proud of me and that is the key that unlocks everything. As a complication of her chemo, she suffered an episode of encephalitis and as you can imagine I had to run and do all the medical arrangements with doctors,hospitals, tests etc.I am pretty sure that I take the complication as my fault beacause I didint protect her sufficiently. Too much load but I must not dissapoint them. Does that tell you something?
I am reading "Healing Back Pain" again since I now have both knee caps hurting . I now know that my rage is connected primarily to my family.It has always been my family. Dont let anybody down.... Make them proud of you... Don't nag about it.... Do not embarrass the family...
There was always love but not expressed in a way that I felt accepted all the way regardless of any issues .
"All family relationships are emotionally loaded".
I am hoping that the knee pain will subside because it really has woken my fears.
Dont give up, keep your minds open and feel grateful that a man like Dr Sarno acknowledged our pain and the mentality of people like us. Thank you Dr Sarno
 
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@cloud , what an inspiring story! Thank you for sharing it with us! I would like to suggest one more book to you, Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. I think every selfless person like you who rushes to help others at the cost of neglecting themselves should read it. Best of luck in your healing process!
 
@cloud, I wish that every person who is new to TMS would read your story, because it is such a good description of how a decent childhood upbringing, with no obvious signs of adversity, can produce personal pressures that result in lifelong symptoms.

We are here for you, knowing that you've got this. I feel like Nicole Sachs would be a great resource for you, because she often describes what she calls an "emotional mismatch" where someone can be born into a family but never feel like they fit in with everyone else - and that this alone can be the source of TMS.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
@cloud, I wish that every person who is new to TMS would read your story, because it is such a good description of how a decent childhood upbringing, with no obvious signs of adversity, can produce personal pressures that result in lifelong symptoms.

We are here for you, knowing that you've got this. I feel like Nicole Sachs would be a great resource for you, because she often describes what she calls an "emotional mismatch" where someone can be born into a family but never feel like they fit in with everyone else - and that this alone can be the source of TMS.
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So well said....Thank you for the support
 
JanAtheCPA said:
here someone can be born into a family but never feel like they fit in with everyone else
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wow, this is insighful. I had never really considered this but I absolutely feel this way. I am very different from my other siblings. And I think all children of multiple-children families probably feel like "mom likes the others better" but maybe that's not all there is to it. Feeling you're different and don't fit in is definitely a source of rage and frustration and anxiety, etc.
 
Mr Hip Guy said:
wow, this is insighful. I had never really considered this but I absolutely feel this way. I am very different from my other siblings. And I think all children of multiple-children families probably feel like "mom likes the others better" but maybe that's not all there is to it. Feeling you're different and don't fit in is definitely a source of rage and frustration and anxiety, etc.
Click to expand...
My view on my personal case is not actually a feeling of not colliding with my family rather than a personal strain that was created at a very young age. I had a pretty good childhood but I don't remember ever being hugged or kissed by my parents although they supported me in many other ways. They made me believe that everything I did had an impact on them ,so I had to be perfect and when I couldn't be, a pain would appear. I had to come to this age,make the same mistake with my own kids to see clearly what lied underneath.
I don't know,I am still working on it
 
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cloud said:
I had a pretty good childhood but I don't remember ever being hugged or kissed by my parents although they supported me in many other ways.
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I'm sorry @cloud , that's really tough. I somewhat relate to that. What hurts is that we don't have the option to go back and try to fix it. It's gone.
 
I'll add that I read all of your intro and can really empathize. I hope it was cathartic and helpful to get all that out, I know it often is for me.
 
It sure was, though I am expecting my LKnee MRI diagnosis from day to day to exclude anything serious and then I'm off. I know that not knowing yet, holds me back from the healing process.
 
I
cloud said:
I was lucky enough to come across the TMS theories of Dr Sarno(God bless him) in 2013.
I am a nurse and I am 50. Back in 2012 I experienced terrible back pain almost 24/7 . Had my job, my family and the pain.MRIs, doctors,physio, chiro,homeo...name it.Nothing....Disabling pain for 2 years and no one could help me .Desparate as I was, I bought "Healing Back Pain",watched every video I could find of dr Sarno on line and 2 weeks later the damn pain vanished and never returned!!!!
I was moved from one dept to another in my hospital because the new supervisor didn't like me.I was so mad (inside) but cool (outside) ,but shame that my all wasn't either enough or at least appreciated from my supervisors did the "job". I am a low profile achiever all my life and profoundly I couldn't accept the "punishment" transfer and furthermore I was ashamed to discuss it with my parents.Yes, I still value that and that is a major part of the problem.
Can you imagine the oddity?Happily married with children and still hooked on parental approval!
In 2017 , dizziness hit hard.Lasted about 1 year. Claire Weekes along with Sarno approach got me out of this.
One of my kids is autistic and it was time to start school. He is a high functional one but still the shame was there to give me dizziness. I was worried all the time. Will he be accepted, will he be having happy times?
BUT....I was ashamed deep inside. I didnt want my kid to embarrass me publicly and deep inside I thought I dissapointed my parents.
In 2025, had a flare up with knee pain.I have been diagnosed with hondromalacia of the knee at 19 years of old but it went pretty well and didn't give me serious trouble in my life since now.To be honest ,I had almost forgot about it for about 20 years.
Now, I can see clearly that the knee pain at 19 appeared when I failed to get into the university I was working so hard to and instead of that, I got into nursing school.Again, shame was the dominative feeling,although now I am a damn good nurse!
And then I remembered... My first TMS symptom as a teenager.What an epiphany!Between 13 and 15 every summer I was experiencing an excuciating pain in my trapezius muscle (walked like Quasimodo) when my parents took me for vacation to their country house. I couldnt make friends there , I felt alone and I brought dissapointment to my family.
I had no physical pain for about 12 years. Again , my job brought me a knee pain visit after soooo many years I couldn't believe it. Feelings of shame and dissapointment, that my work wasn't appreciated again filled my heart and mind. The new supervisor was just like the one that I was working with when I developed back pain. The programming had just began. In addition to that, these past months, my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma. I, as a nurse daughter, had to manage everything from A to Z. My sister is just a spectator. I give my all because I still want them to be proud of me and that is the key that unlocks everything. As a complication of her chemo, she suffered an episode of encephalitis and as you can imagine I had to run and do all the medical arrangements with doctors,hospitals, tests etc.I am pretty sure that I take the complication as my fault beacause I didint protect her sufficiently. Too much load but I must not dissapoint them. Does that tell you something?
I am reading "Healing Back Pain" again since I now have both knee caps hurting . I now know that my rage is connected primarily to my family.It has always been my family. Dont let anybody down.... Make them proud of you... Don't nag about it.... Do not embarrass the family...
There was always love but not expressed in a way that I felt accepted all the way regardless of any issues .
"All family relationships are emotionally loaded".
I am hoping that the knee pain will subside because it really has woken my fears.
Dont give up, keep your minds open and feel grateful that a man like Dr Sarno acknowledged our pain and the mentality of people like us. Thank you Dr Sarno
Click to expand...

I completely agree with you about shame being the driver!
 
Got my MRI results.As expected ,a couple of cysts, some miniscus deterioration some cartilage damage.Nothing extreme to worry about. Since I got the good news my 2 legs are stiff as hell.My mind is trying to keep me hooked on my pain but I'm not gonna fall for it. A bit of fear of past pains ,a bit of "not again" .I remember this stiffness ,the alert status that I am projecting right now. What more proof do I need? My TMS is shouting
 
cloud said:
Got my MRI results.As expected ,a couple of cysts, some miniscus deterioration some cartilage damage.Nothing extreme to worry about. Since I got the good news my 2 legs are stiff as hell.My mind is trying to keep me hooked on my pain but I'm not gonna fall for it. A bit of fear of past pains ,a bit of "not again" .I remember this stiffness ,the alert status that I am projecting right now. What more proof do I need? My TMS is shouting
Click to expand...

Great question to ask "what more proof do I need"? The answer is that it is your decision and you have to make the decision that it is enough. You can always find reasons why it isn't (I didn't tick every single TMS indicator box, but you don't need to). Make the call and commit if it feels right to you! :)
 
cloud said:
I had a pretty good childhood but I don't remember ever being hugged or kissed by my parents
Click to expand...
Mr Hip Guy said:
Your rational mind can make that allowance for them, but your inner child/subconscious cannot and thus the anger/rage/shame/anxiety.
Click to expand...

My story is just like yours even though our lives are very different. I was raised by my Mom who even told me once that having kids was my fathers idea, and he was dead. I always felt like an Orphan even in my family. Only my sister had some feeling...the rest of our life was dominated by the God of Reason and Logic. I had to mathematically prove my reasons for being. That's a tough god to worship.

And as your second quote points out, when I got older and didn't want to live in that dark world anymore, I reasoned away their lack of love and feeling so I could find a way to love them. THAT is where the TMS sneaks in. It doesn't reason. It is a five year old raging in Icy world without love or refuge. I turn 60 next week. It is still there. It's not a bad thing. It just is.

The work I have put in after Sarno changed my life, intercepts the TMS before it gets a toe hold. Whenever certain subjects come up that have been the cause of TMS in the past, I don't just plow right through them, but carefully and mindfully pay close attention.

example.
My son is getting married next week. It was supposed to be a tiny affair but then the 'Moms' got involved.

When he first told me he was getting married, I had asked if my sister might be invited. My son told me that it was only immediate family. OK.
Then when it Blew up to mass proportions he told me I could now invite her. BUT when I called her to tell her, I got no reply. I Imagine she found out about it via social media (which I don't do) and this is EXACTLY where I would normally get TMS in the shame/rage/blame game of other people's feelings. I don't want her left out. I would worry about her feelings and wanting her to feel loved so much I would get whatever new mystery pain my body would be likely to believe.

I haven't changed. I have just stopped pretending I am reasonable and indifferent

Just read Sarno again....and again. I still have my original copy from 1999. It has a lifetime of notes and recoveries, and often times just picking it up reminds me who I am, and the healing begins immediately. Much faster than say, someone who never read it or understood it. Sometimes in hours or a day...not week.
My Initial recovery was fast like the one you described... You are already on your way.

Then...stop letting stuff sneak in! Sarno said 'Todays work stops tomorrow's TMS'
 
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