Is it bad to seek an apology from someone?

HealingMe

HealingMe

Beloved Grand Eagle
I recently approached my mom about some unhealthy comments she made about me as a teenager. I did a session of a ISDTP from Dr. Schubiner's book "Unlearn Your Pain" to work more on my current anxiety and depression.

I didn't feel extremely strong emotions in the present but I remember feeling shocked when it happened and not responding but taking other actions because I always thought that adults knew best. I had this urge to call her up and confront her about this past situation and felt like it had backfired. She immediately got defensive explaining she really wanted the best for me. I asked her if she felt bad about the situation and told her it was not right to say such things to me, or anyone for that matter. It's just not nice. She got defensive and gave me a half apology that didn't feel meaningful. I realized I was just looking to feel "better". I do think about every once in while so clearly there is some unresolved emotion even if it's not strong.

I still love my mom, care for her, but I also resent her for certain things growing up, and that's okay. I can't change a person and I've made peace with that. Speaking with her today about the situation and seeing her reaction made me more angry and reminded me about her stubborn personality.

Was reaching out to seek an apology a mistake on my part?
 
HealingMe said:
Was reaching out to seek an apology a mistake on my part
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I think it was risky. There’s always the chance she would react badly, not giving you the apology you were hoping for —which she did. But— I still think it was helpful to you. It helped you be assertive about what happened (which you couldn’t do as a teen); it gave you more clarity about your mom; and it probably brought up some emotions you stuffed at the time. Now you can process those feelings, at last. I think it was still a win for you and not at all a mistake. And give yourself a lot of credit for being brave enough to do it. Good for you!
 
@HealingMe
I found the below passage about the goals of ISTDP on one of the PPD pages here on the wiki:
https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Intensive_Short_Term_Dynamic_Psychotherapy (Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy)

The goal of the approach is to have the patient realize that they are repressing emotions, so they can stop the process and experience their feelings. When this happens anxiety and physical symptoms drop suddenly. This also allows the therapist and patient an opportunity to begin to work through the once repressed feelings and emotions. In some cases just one breakthrough is needed to bring about major symptom improvement, however in most instances several of these events are needed before the symptoms recede.
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I think you're putting yourself into a sensitive, vulnerable position when you take on this type of therapy and especially when you've uncovered these repressed emotions that can be really painful and can be decades old. Care is needed!
They are gems when you uncover them, and what you do with them is so important.

Acting on these uncovered emotions is even more sensitive and vulnerable and could easily be emotionally damaging--could even fracture or end a relationship. I think a plan is needed, along with coming from a place of detachment, patience, love, tolerance, and making sure you're able to handle the results (whatever they are).
From your description, it sounds like you were looking mostly for actions from your mom--a realization and apology from her--rather than something from yourself (understanding, empathy, untangling emotional knots, etc...). It doesn't sound like the results were that bad, but be careful! This kind of thing could have serious emotional repercussions on both ends.
 
I agree with all of @Diana-M's comments above because by doing what you did, you now know exactly where you stand... you know that the lady's not willing to see the error of her ways. (I'll qualify the latter though by saying that you have also now given your mother the chance to go away and think about it, and make a sincere apology to you, at some point, if she wants to. I wouldn't hold your breath though because her instant reaction is liable to be her true reaction and thoughts on the matter.)

My late mother said some very hurtful things to me when I was a kid, a teenager and a young adult. She even managed to throw me a petty and trivial criticism when I was holding her hand on her death bed! That said it all really. She was never up for seeing that she was far from perfect and therefore never up for admitting and apologising for her mistakes and the error of her ways either.

I mention about my mother as it has helped me greatly to write some unsent letters to her. My suggestion therefore is that writing an unsent letter (or letters) to your mother might help you too, to express in detail what you feel about everything... your disappointment, your hurt and to get your anger and other feelings out. I kept my unsent letters and have reread them on occasion which I feel has helped me, but others find that destroying unsent letters directly after writing them is also cathartic (for want of a better word for it). You'd need to experiment to see what might work best for you if you decide to try it.

From writing unsent letters to my mother, I can see now that because she gave birth to me she felt she owned me and because of that she also felt that it was okay to say whatever she liked to me.
 
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HealingMe said:
Was reaching out to seek an apology a mistake on my part?
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I am working through the same book. Sometimes I have to stop because a lot of the questions have too painful of answers to get down in one sitting.

I am 59 this year. I have been making amends, writing inventory since I was like 23....I have NEVER gotten an apology for the most painful things. I have gotten apologies, just not for the ones that still provoke TMS and such. I don't think a solicited apology has any value whatsoever.
 
Diana-M said:
I think it was risky. There’s always the chance she would react badly, not giving you the apology you were hoping for —which she did. But— I still think it was helpful to you. It helped you be assertive about what happened (which you couldn’t do as a teen); it gave you more clarity about your mom; and it probably brought up some emotions you stuffed at the time. Now you can process those feelings, at last. I think it was still a win for you and not at all a mistake. And give yourself a lot of credit for being brave enough to do it. Good for you!
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You're right, I realized it was a mistake and risky after the fact. I even spoke with my husband and he asked me why I did that because he could've told me himself it wouldn't help. I do feel proud for being assertive though! Even if it felt uncomfortable. I could tell she was very uncomfortable too and tried to distract herself with something she was doing.
 
I really appreciate everyone's kind and thoughtful responses - everyone is so kind and so helpful here.

I took some time to think about everything. The ISTDP exercise definitely felt a bit raw and intense and I think I even pushed it more when I journaled a bit more about it after a break. The past event maybe doesn't feel like it's holding onto me as strongly anymore. I do feel bad I called her up and blindsided her. I can understand how that was risky. I definitely learned a lesson.
 
 
Diana-M said:
I think it was good. Honestly. Better late than never that you stand up to bad behavior. It speaks to Your Heart— that you love yourself and will protect yourself. The opposite of victimhood.
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❤️ Definitely feels foreign to me. I haven't done it that much in my life.
 
HealingMe said:
You're right, I realized it was a mistake and risky after the fact. I even spoke with my husband and he asked me why I did that because he could've told me himself it wouldn't help. I do feel proud for being assertive though! Even if it felt uncomfortable. I could tell she was very uncomfortable too and tried to distract herself with something she was doing.
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I am unsure how the last sentence above relates to what precedes it. Are you proud that your assertiveness made her uncomfortable, too? Stated differently, are you glad you made her uncomfortable?

In any event, I urge you to read what Dr. Hanscom--in case you are unfamilar with him, he is a former orthopedic surgeon and currently is a prominent mindbody coach--has said about anger, victimhood, and forgiveness in the link below. In the spirit of what Bonnard said above, I hope the link might broaden your horizon and be of use to you in processing your anger at your mother.

https://backincontrol.com/forgiveness-is-not-what-you-think-learn-it/ (Forgiveness is Not What You Think – Learn It - Back in Control)
 
Duggit said:
. Are you proud that your assertiveness made her uncomfortable, too? Stated differently, are you glad you made her uncomfortable?
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Hi Duggit, no I wasn’t glad.

The link is very helpful btw for different levels of forgiveness, thank you. After being able to process my emotion yesterday, I’m at the stage where I can let it go.
 
Sita said:
It's a waste of time. And energy. It is what it is, that's all. Accept it and move on.
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Totally agree. You can't change people, you can't change the past. The only thing you can change is yourself & your reactions to the external world.

This constant over analysis & dwelling on the past just makes you feel like a victim all over again. Your brain can't discern whether you are processing a past thought or event & thinks you are still stuck unhappy in the present. It will do everything it can to keep you in a TMS state of mind.

When I first started the TMS journey it was just Dr Sarno & the old TMS Forum. But it was simple & effective. Nothing today comes close to the simplicity of reading his books, listening to his lectures & then just getting back to normal activity. What was relevant then is still now & and in fact most of the success stories then & now are a testament to this fact.

If you have had yourself physically checked out & you believe you have TMS then you must move forward believing that your body is fine & not broken. This is the first premise towards recovery.

Next think psychologically about what is bothering you. Address the anger & the rage. Done? Now journal for a while. Feel slightly better? Good now move, get up, walk, cook , dance , paint your house, ski, do whatever it takes to make your mind believe you are OK. Better still find things that you enjoy doing.

And keep telling yourself that your body is fine. Remember the first premise.
Much of the discussion here on this forum has now become about less moving without fear & more about what’s going on in the mind, about the past & traumatic events.

Journalling will help but up to a point. It’s ok to write about the present but how reliable are your memories of your past.

Journalling or constantly thinking about certain events in the past can in fact do the opposite of helping. When Sarno said ‘think Psychologically’ I really think he did not mean for people to become self indulgent to the point where they are obsessing about it.

Would you rather keep delving into the past or would you rather get on with enjoying the present & the remaining days of your life by choosing not to live in fear.

Remember that not engaging in normal physical activities gives your unconscious mind all the more reason to reinforce the fact that you are broken.

'Overdwelling' reinforces feelings of fear. Its keeps you trapped, many use it as a crutch to not get physical coz its safer to dwell in that realm. So much of this forum is now about the psychology, the therapy which Sarno said not everyone needs. In fact he gave the number of 15 % as an example if I'm not wrong yet there are fewer & fewer posts about getting physical, moving & getting back to normal activities & more 'psychoanalysing' going on.

Most of our pain is rooted in unhappiness with OURSELVES whether that is a result of past events, more recent ones or even thinking about a future that has not manifested itself. The self is the only thing you can change. You can’t change the past, you can’t change who your parents are, your siblings, spouse but you can recognise certain behaviour patterns that arise as a result of your interaction with these ppl, get out of 'victim mode' & move towards a healthier mind & body.

I hope 2025 brings you all peace & happiness but most of all I hope its brings wisdom & clarity.

Mala
 
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Personally, I don't think there was anything wrong with @HealingMe bringing up a past hurt with her mother. It was obviously something that she was at least somewhat angry about and it gave her mother a chance to express her perspective on whatever it was that she had said to @HealingMe. I say this because I remember bringing up a past hurt with my (now late) father and in response he explained about some things that were happening to him at the time that I previously had not known about, which helped me understand and forgive him; he really shouldn't have taken things out on me, of course, but he apologised (which I believe was sincere) and I forgave because we are all only human.

I do agree, however, that bringing up a hurt far from always turns out to result in the apology that one would like and/or an explanation that is acceptable to one, however, also from my experience, it can still produce an upside for both parties concerned ...

For example, although my late mother never apologised at all for any of her actions that had hurt me when I as growing up and during my early to mid adulthood, when I expressed my view and feelings to her about her behaviour towards me, it did make her more circumspect regarding what she said to me from then on (with only occasional lapses) which generally gave me a break from having to keep "accepting and moving on"...

This also proved to be to my mother's advantage because when she got ill I was still around in her life to help care for her -- and fight her corner with the medical profession and authorities that far from always had her best interest at heart -- from then on until her death; if her behaviour hadn't have changed at all, I probably would have had to have got out of her life. I was, though, as previously mentioned, 'treated' to a petty and trivial personal criticism as she lay on her death bed, which I didn't respond to, and so she had the last word. (Journaling about the latter and writing an unsent letter to my mother has served to help take the sting out of that for me and I am at peace with knowing that, although not perfect, I did the best that I could for her in her time of need.)
 
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