Hi All, the name is Marc, and I am struggling to a degree which is hard to explain. Here is the briefest I can write up about my history, still long. I apologize in advance. Ever since I can remember, I have had chronic digestive issues. I got the term IBS thrown at me probably around 10 or 11 - and am now 36. "IBS" has caused me a great deal of anxiety and grief and the symptoms worsened while in High School given my "limited" bathroom passes and the stress and anxiety this caused me was horrible. I was angry and acted out a lot. However, when I went to college, everything stopped. I was "normal." I was "free" and no longer angry. Unfortunately that was the last normal period of my life, where both my mind and physical body were not in disarray of some kind. I yearn for those days again and at 36 with a wife, kid, and incredibly stressful job, I no longer feel the calmness and pain-free experience I had in my carefree college days is a possibility. My experience with mind-body disorders started again after acquiring a UTI at 24 around the time of my first marriage. The UTI led me to Chronic Pelvic Pain, anxiety, and therefore, my IBS returned. It was like having a bucket of ice cold water dumped on my head. I have not been the same since. I did the doctor shopping/physical therapist routine for a about 2 years until I accepted that what I had was being driven by my mind, and the rage simmering below the surface. This led me to the book Healing Back Pain, which I read, and which, upon reading, caused a large scale reduction in my Pelvic Pain. I am that Type-A, hardcore, sensitive, conscientious person that book described so well and I cant stop being that person, it is who I am and I hate it. The next 8 years, which brings me to today, were mostly quiet and in control, until the end. With pain and without but nothing that I couldn't handle with stress reduction and anxiety medications or meditation and acceptance of what was happening mentally. I was in an OK spot. However, near the end of that 8 years, I had the worst flare up of Chronic Pelvic Pain that I have ever had, this is was in August 2018... It ended up with me going to the urgent care and getting non-opiate pain injections and having to beg and plead for a valium to stop the spasm and pain. The Valium stopped the flare in its tracks and I decided to never be in that situation again, so I ordered a large scale amount on the internet so I would never have to beg and plead with any doctor again. It was disgusting how I was treated. Over the year, I took the valium on and off no more than a few times a week and it helped tremendously with my stress, through a wedding plan, and wedding, and helped with my overall outlook on life, until it didn't. I realized that even though I was taking a very small amount, I developed a dependence, and then I decided to withdraw from the medication. I did so cold turkey, and it was the worst, most traumatic, horrifying experience of my life... this is was just over a year ago and basically 2 months into my second marriage. Every bit of the man I thought I was, was tested over and over as the withdrawal dragged on for around 3 months. The man I was, was gone. The experience changed me. What followed this was a resurgence of extreme pelvic pain, pure insomnia and total sleep deprivation sometimes for days, forcing me to manage my anxiety at an all time high to stop the pain, then followed a re-triggering of the severe IBS to the point of needing a colonoscopy to diagnose, then followed the swollen hemorrhoids, bleeding and protruding that needed treatment via injections, swelling and infection followed which required antibiotics, which left me with C-diff, which failed all antibiotics and needed another colonoscopy to deliver a stool transplant, which worked but left my IBS at an all time high. A newborn in the house returned my insomnia and anxiety... and the cycle keeps on going. I have PTSD from this year and now am currently suffering from some form of Gastritis, which I am getting scoped for on 1/27. The gastritis began with a hardcore worrying session around Cdiff relapse that never happened, then went away, then returned for the same reason and has not left since. I cant even take a shit without worrying about the cdiff returning, I cant even eat without worrying if it will even digest (i appreciate the dichotomy), and worst of all I cant even enjoy my son, born in the midst of this chaos, or my wife, patiently putting up with my descent into hell. At the end of the day, my obsession, anxiety, and fear create symptoms, even on good days, making me overthink and check, and create problems all in defense of my ego that cannot withstand whatever is lurking deep below, the rage, self hatred, hidden and checked goes firing off in the wrong directions. Fact is, I don't really know exactly what I am so mad about. I have theories, but when you strip all of this medical shit away my life is good! Patient wife. Awesome kid. Awesome dog. Beautiful home. Supportive families. Steady work and a great but stressful job that affords me nice things but takes its pound of flesh, yet I am in the middle of this angry, anxious, and depressed from the pain and issues. All I think about is leaving it all behind so I can go retire in the woods somewhere were I wont feel attachment and I wont have stress that triggers these horrific events and patterns to unfold. And it is all my fault. And it kills me to accept it. I know that once my scope shows abnormalities and I hopefully fix them, something else will creep up, or I will create worry to distract from the stresses and rage, and I just cannot stop this behavior. I cannot escape the symptom imperative. I don't do drugs. I don't take pills. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't know what else to do. I overall live an extremely healthy life. Working with a therapist has been a total joke and he doesn't really offer me much in the way of advice or actual treatment other than just letting me bitch. Any advice on this is appreciated, I am at my wits end and I don't know how much more I can stand before I lose my mind.