I'm regressing and scared and angry about it

[Aurora]

I was experiencing TMS symptoms last year and so I started seeing a TMS therapist. I was also on Zoloft because I was also experiencing anxiety and depression. I meditated for a while, stopped and noticed my symptoms return and then I started meditating again.

Recently I noticed a resurgence in my TMS symptoms and doubt in TMS itself. That's when I thought something is really off. When those thoughts entered my awareness I started feeling anxiety again. I realize that I haven't really been meditating lately. I've been using it as a way to get some sleep but not to pay attention to what's going on with me.

What makes this so much more difficult is that I have a 15 month old son and I want to get pregnant again very soon. I can find time to meditate but I have to do it on his schedule. Further more I'm worried that I won't be able to handle this anxiety and that I'll have to take medication again which the doctor's strongly advise against.

I know meditation takes time to "kick-in" but I feel like I'm on a deadline since I was hoping to start fertility treatments soon.

I'm so angry with myself for not keeping up the meditation in the first place and I hate this cycle of starting and stopping the meditation. It seems like I was fooling myself for a while thinking, "tomorrow I'll meditate properly". Also I feel like I have the added challenge of taking care of a toddler. Of course I will be talking with my therapist about this but I was hoping other people could relate.

 

[Huckleberry]

I can relate as I have a young son and find that it can be hard to find time to relax/meditate and even when I get the time other things pop up and seem to demand my attention.

Just reading your post it is obvious you are becoming anxious and het up about partaking in a process that is designed to stop you being anxious and het up...as I'm sure you know mentioning having deadlines about how long until you feel the benefits of meditation sets you up on a self fulfilling prophecy of failure.

Whilst meditation is something best done on a regular basis this isn't always possible and do you think maybe that you have those common perfectionist traits of feeling that if you cannot sit every day at a specific time etc etc then the whole process is pointless? Maybe you should try and accept that you have those commitments and that you meditate when you can but ensure that those times you can sit are spent as quality rather then using them for a purpose etc.

I do remember that when I started meditation and TMS treatment I kept my life exactly the same and basically used mediation as a band aid that was stuck on top of my old lifestyle...I was basically just going through the motions. To be honest I actually rarely sit now but what I do alot and this may be advantageous to you bearing in mind your time restraints is actually carry out my daily tasks and activities in a far more mindful manner..I find this hugely beneficial as whilst meditation can see somewhat abstract living day to day in an actively mindful manner offers me great benefits and just makes me feel calmer and more grounded.

Hope this helps.

 

[plum]

Aurora,

I empathise. I'm a carer and find this runs a similar course to motherhood. Each can be a celebration of loving, kindness and nurturing but it can also be exhausting, challenging and negatively self-sacrificing. We learn a lot about ourselves through it and it can be the making of us even though we may have to unravel who we were or thought we were.

I'm also experiencing a tms flare (due to a particularly unpleasant encounter) and have felt a bit demoralised. However I don't see this as a regression because this implies linear healing whereas what actually happens is we spiral. Thus it may sometimes appear that we going nowhere or back to where we started but in truth we're not. We have experience and knowledge to draw on including the maxim that there is no right or wrong way only the way that works for you.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but your post feels very agitated and time-pressured and that's a self-feeding energy. Ease back and take the pressure off yourself. It's nigh on impossible to function let alone meditate in that state.

Don't be in a tumble to do everything so quickly. You don't need meds. If you really want something to help you sink into downtime there are many very very gentle herbs that can do this and many can be bought ready formulated. Valarian and hops are great, for example.

Free yourself from self-imposed demands. Meditate when you can. Play with your toddler, indeed make play a meditation and nourish yourself in moments by cloudwatching, basking in the sunshine, enjoying the cool freshness of rain.

Slow down. Smile. Treat life lightly.